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2007 tube gossip

27th December 2007

1. It was all foreigners.

2. All I want to do is watch Alvin and the Chipmunks.

3. Jimi Hendrix used to live round here.

4. It's a wooden box, a bit like a coffin, but with round ends.

5. Hello! Yes! We met last week, I think.

6. Why did he run away when you asked him if he wanted something to eat?

7. Christmas is a time for forgiveness. And space travel.

8. Just because it's set in India, they make out like it's culturally condescending.

9. What you gonna do? Fuck a footballer?

10. I spent ages arguing with her over whether or not my neighbour has a moustache.

20th December 2007

1. Who brings a baby to a party?

2. You know, you never look as bad naked as you think you do.

3. I tell you what, I hate that fat little fuck from Little Britain.

4. In hindsight, no, I shouldn't have married him.

5. It's just bitter grapes, is all.

6. There's an event at RIBA. except you can't call it RIBA any more...

7. Why are the Chinese so underrepresented in porn?

8. She spends all day talking about curtains and wallpaper.

9. Dad, is this a tubular train?

10. I can't believe Alan Davies would do that. I absolutely love him!

13th December 2007

1. What perfume am I wearing? It's called Febreze.

2. That kind of woman will bring you down, man. Bring you down...

3. Can't stand ginger people. I don't mind Leslie, but she's an exception.

4. I know what I am. I'm an alpha female and I like it.

5. She sellotaped her face to a dog.

6. It's quite cool using her car... because of course she's got one of those disabled stickers

7. I'm a size 12, but I can be a size 8 any time I like.

8. We call dad Wallet and mum Laundry.

9. Were you also on the 43 bus?

10. I'm gonna teach you how to use ugly men for money and shoes.

6th December 2007

1. Well you're not like John Terry are you, because he's not a cock.

2. The middle ear? Is that the lobe?

3. I love gospel. I swear, I'd be religious if I was black.

4. He dumped her because she wasn't me.

5. I sometimes got to Cambridge and see Stephen Hawkings running around...well...not running so much as wheeling...

6. Xavier! Wait here! Xavier!

7. Yeah, Saville Row is the fucking nuts for clothes shops, man.

8. It's just like speed dating, but you get to paint a pot too!

9. Well, I already have an elephant, so ... no pressure...

10. Do you think Marmite was made to spite people?

29th November 2007

1. And I was like: "Sir! You can't say that! That's so rude!"

2. When does the Quest start? I've already found the silver trumpet.

3. I think if I had one wish, it would be to have a cake made in the shape of my body... and then have the Spice Girls come and eat it with me.

4. Ate some mango soap.

5. His name's Eros. He's the Greek God of Love.

6. Standard! Ordinary!... Bog of the range!

7. What can I say? I love my life.

8. I am going on a guided tour by myself.

9. If she dies, I'm going to have to write a book about her.

10. You know, not everything you say is funny.

22nd November 2007

1. V....v...v...v... Viacom!

2. Are you home? I thought I might check in on you.

3. I don't own you and you don't own me. Now do as I say.

4. Are you still going out with Alfie? Does he love you?

5. Of course, when I talk about satellites, I'm not including the moon.

6. You don't buy a dog and then shit in your own mouth.

7. Why not just print blank pages? That way there's no ink on your hands, and you don't have to read all that rubbish.

8. Maybe it's time we got a virtual pet.

9. He used to drink three double whiskies before he started work. He was always crashing his forklift.

10. I don't understand why you can't smoke. It's an overground station and you're outside.

15th November 2007

1. What do you call that bit when you stop fasting at the end of Ramadan?

2. You should shave tonight otherwise you'll just have to do it tomorrow.

3. All the seats were free, and she comes and sits right next to me.

4. Do you play golf? Do you have a caddy... do you have a butler?

5. I feel quite buttery.

6. What you gonna do? Dip the cigarettes in taramasalata?

7. Die, die, die, die, die, die.

8. Right now I'm channelling Freddie Mercury.

9. All the women characters are really needy and whiny. It's quite accurate, I suppose.

10. My friend once saw a bloke wanking on the top deck of a bus.

8th November 2007

1. Justin's dog is moving in with us.

2. Where's the remote control?

3. You have contributed nothing to this, as usual.

4. I get really fuzzy ITV and a bit of BBC1.

5. ...yeah, but it's just set too low. Why should the rest of us freeze just 'coz she's a fat bitch?

6. Yeah, she looks like Kylie. If Kylie is a 6 foot bearded transvestite.

7. The wheels on my case go round and round, round and round, round and round.

8. I reckon the parents did it.

9. So, how many episodes in a series of 24?

10. It takes me about 3 minutes to read London Lite.

1st November 2007

1. Oxfam screwed him over pretty badly.

2. How does it feel to be a doctor?

3. Well, was it a crumpet or a muffin. I mean, there really is a significant difference.

4. It's terrible, but as I get older, I stop hating Bruce Forsythe.

5. She's not a popular-culture-loser anymore.

6. They threw rice at the wedding. Not boiled rice or egg-fried rice.

7. I bet the next Dr Who will be black.

8. I've had a chest infection for 3 weeks. It's not AIDS.

9. Have a happy life. No. Fuck off and dance.

10. Steptoe and Son, Ever Decreasing Circles... Rentaghost... all the classics.

25th October 2007

1. I'm worried the window frames, I'm worried about the doors, and I'm worried about Paul.

2. Yeah, but to be fair mate, I think that Cher actually does believe in life after love.

3. Of course Haloween is more important than Christmas....especially if you're dating a witch.

4. If I won the lottery I'd put £200 on my Oyster card.

5. It would be terrible. Mark says it would be a bit like throwing live kittens off the balcony.

6. If I was stuck on a desert island I'd just eat lobster.

7. Hello? Yeahhh..... I'm in big big trouble.... I've got the keys to the fridges here!

8. I said to her, even though you work for a Not-For-Profit, it doesn't mean you should look like a bag lady!

9. Dress up as a radiator. That'll show them.

10. You can't shoot someone just because they are Brazilian.

18th October 2007

1. There were lots of sash windows.

2. Antoine du Beke's real name is Tony Beak. Isn't that fantastic?

3. Elephants... rhinos... they're all pachyderms.

4. I don't like cricket.

5. I'm not quite sure how you defend yourself with a knife.

6. Most Dizzee Rascal fans are white. I'm not saying that like it's bad, but it's interesting.

7. Close the shop early and don't open it until they apologise or pay you.

8. Maxwell Caulfield. He was in The Colbys and Grease 2.

9. Did you really go to work in your slippers?

10. You can compare music and language but they're not the same things.

11th October 2007

1. Of course I don't fuckin' trust him. At the end of the day he's a copper, innee?

2. Neither of us have slept with anyone else. Except me, cos I lied.

3. Is there a BBC4? Nobody told me.

4. I don't even know where all the Dr. Pepper came from.

5. Australia is not a country; it's a continent.

6. They say blind people never actually fall asleep.

7. Here comes a hawk!

8. Every four years these clowns become rugby fans... makes me sick.

9. You can't buy a dildo at Woolworths.

10. He wasn't ugly...just uglier

4th October 2007

1. In years to come people will remember the day they first shopped at Amy's Ardware.

2. Imagine just driving in a straight line forever until you reach the end of the world.

3. I can't work out how to get the rice not to stick.

4. Do you remember Darren? He collected beermats. He's getting married to some Thai girl he met on the net.

5. I'm not that kind of girl!

6. Is he still banging on about Lisa Stansfield?

7. Are we going through Northampton?

8. He said I looked like Ernie Els, but I've no idea who that is.

9. I never got the point of Virgin... you don't even get the Sky channels.

10. For starters I'd have a butterfly. For the main I'd have a mouse and for dessert I'd have a creme caramel.

27th September 2007

1. I'm in the office 8 hours a day, and I reckon I spend 2 hours of that on Facebook.

2. Damn, not again. Ii always get stuck having to buy toilet paper.

3. Lobster, crab and shrimp and all that are the insects of the sea, it's true.

4. Bloody huzzah!

5. Do they still do phone books?

6. Charley and Beeswax are gonna steamroller your face.

7. It's not so much that I want to succeed as I want you to fail.

8. Technically, "nauseous" isn't a word. It's "nauseated".

9. In this day and age! Still with the queen on money and stamps! It's crazy!

10. You get to dress your zwinky.

20th September 2007

1. I can't read this shit. It's just patronising.

2. I had one of those once but it escaped and got under the fridge. Some nights I think I can hear it trundling under there.

3. He's got one of those "I love N2" T-shirts.

4. People talk about ethnic cleansing, but never about murdering all estate agents.

5. When I was a child I went to school with Mr Simmonds.

6. I'm like a dog with a bone.

7. Show me one English show as good as Dexter.

8. There's no stigma attached to Marks and Spencers anymore.

9. Every day this week he's used my mug.

10. Helen is terrified of anaphylactic shock.

13th September 2007

1. They took a perfectly normal pub and turned it into a gentrified gastropub full of Sean Pertwee lookalikes.

2. What are you doing here? I thought you were in Dubai?

3. I never felt like killing no-one.

4. Fancy a night of passion in Potters Bar?

5. I think by now people know you can't smoke on the tube.

6. You can be Lithuanian, speak no English and they'll employ you, but if you're Australian, you've got no chance.

7. I'm gonna facebook your mum!

8. When I touch her buttons nothing happens.

9. Have you tried having fun without drinking? It's not easy.

10. She's not allowed to have a chequebook.

6th September 2007

1. Was Ronan Keating in Westlife or Boyzone?

2. I get the feeling I'm supposed to be some kind of alpha-male hunter gatherer.

3. You can go online and make a payment to offset your carbon emmision before the flight.

4. Hi Melinda! It's Rufus! I'm on the mobile. On the train. As usual.

5. She's a silly, silly woman.

6. I hadn't realise quite how gentrified the area had become.

7. I've inherited a Lithuanian gardener.

8. In a few years chequebooks will be obsolete.

9. Tube strike? Who would notice?

10. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Don't even look at it.

30th August 2007

1. Is it a temperamental card?

2. He woke up one morning and his toes had fallen off in the night.

3. It's gone really bad - it's the worst night ever.

4. The grass is always greener on the other side of London.

5. You shouldn't put that in your mouth. It might be a Chinese toy with extra lead.

6. I was sort of going for a David Niven moustache.

7. What is a qualia?

8. Look at the grease! I didn't ask for a greaseburger.

9. When I went to Bournemouth there was no surf.

10. His pillowcase has seen better days.

23rd August 2007

1. That's just the way I walk.

2. I'm not scared of the sandwich, I'm scared of the pickle inside.

3. Are you family or do you need money?

4. Have you noticed how many people on the tube look like Vladimir Putin?

5. Stand up comedy leaves me cold.

6. How do you spell 'idiot'?

7. Brian, did you put my other hair extension in your bag?

8. It was my fucking Mum's fault. She thought I wasn't going and she didn't wake me up.

9. She must have been sick. It's all over her shoes.

10. The only topics of conversation at the party last night were hedge funds and sex.

16th August 2007

1. Promotions are so random where I work, I'm in despair.

2. Of course, the War on Terror isn't a real war.

3. Gahh! Her hair looks like steel wool with clips in it.

4. I want one of them phones that play the cds.

5. That guy looks just like that guy from South Park.

6. The warranty costs more than the toaster itself.

7. My personal life is like a 3 and my professional life is like an 8.

8. Yes! Amputation is always the answer. That's what my dad used to say.

9. I was like, out of my face, like OUT ... OF MY FACE!

10. Breaking news: I found a handkerchief.

9th August 2007

1. Imagine! Calling ME a tramp and him wearing Levis!

2. I've had a text. It says 'train delayed. Meeting moved to 9:00. Bring Maltesers.'

3. My mate got knocked out by a lesbian called Nose Bleed.

4. Have I ever told you about the time I nearly choked on a carrot in a falafel shop in Amsterdam?

5. I hate it when you're feeding the ducks and there's one duck eating all the bread. Ithink it's just unfair.

6. Have you ever tried shaving with a Remingtom Fuzz Away? It really fucking hurts.

7. Somewhere in a bucket in France are some pebbles.

8. Well, he got round there and it had one of those blue toilet seats with the fish in. He had to change it straight away...

9. I got groped in a pyramid once.

10. I despise leeks as a vegetable and I'm not afraid to say that.

2nd August 2007

1. In New Zealand, everybody called me Frodo.

2. HE has cool hair. Looks like his head's been carved.

3. I mean, she lives in Chiswick. That's worse than France!

4. What am I supposed to do with a cupboard?

5. If you want it to stop, you have to clamp down on them. Without exception.

6. He's omniscient, innit.

7. Tell your mum I want my boxers back.

8. They smother all the pizza in olive oil.

9. Yeah. Gareth Southgate. Right.

10. He said it was big, but I have to say I wasn't expecting it to be that big.... pheweeee!

28th June 2007

1. If you've got acidic soil, it goes blue. If it's alkaline, it goes pink... I think.

2. Man, those are shitty headphones.

3. Is your name Turkish?

4. Did you see that thing about Kramer from Seinfeld and how he was slagging off black people?

5. Gordon Brown isn't going to change anything. He's creepy. Bad body language.

6. After the baby my boobs were like a FF... which is like Jordan.

7. Have you decided on the wallpaper or are you sticking with magnolia?

8. Whatever you do, avoid Hangar Lane.

9. Jimmy Choo is geting divorced.

10. In films it's really easy to unlock a door with a credit card. But I couldn't do it.

21st June 2007

1. It's not really Birckenstock weather.

2. We've got one of those rose killer guns.

3. I waited for 20 minutes for a Circle Line train. Twenty fucking minutes!

4. Ullah! Where are you man? I'm near Bayswater! Ullah! Ullah! You're in Kilburn! Ullah!

5. She stands there in front of the train and I have to reach round, press the button and open the doors.

6. Do you have any food?

7. You're a grubby little man.

8. I only befriend people I know in real life.

9. That's not a real name. That's a name from Eastenders or Corrie.

10. How's Godzilla going?

14th June 2007

1. I'm going to Spain. It won't be much fun, I'm taking my parents.

2. Everyone googles themselves eventually.

3. Ok. I'm thinking of a number. Bzzzzzzz! I am telepathically transferring the number into your mind. Bzzzz!

4. Not really a fan of the Kate Moss range. Just not my bag.

5. I think Woolies do duvet covers.

6. His ringtone is opera. The music from the Old Spice adverts... you know, with the surfer.

7. Daniel's having a baby. I mean his wife is. He's not pregnant.

8. Wigan, Derby and Fulham are all going down.

9. When was the last time an English person served you in McDonalds? I think I'm made my point.

10. Some twats were chucking stones and stuff off the roof onto people in the street.

7th June 2007

1. I can't believe I'm saying this but I miss school sooooo much.

2. Your hair's really curly. Is it your real hair?

3. Ever since they introduced the wheeley bins we've got loads of mice.

4. I wanna be like Pete Shelley!

5. He's got an Andy Capp tattoo.

6. I tell you what I like about Metro. The interviews on page 10. Aside from that...

7. I saw that new Pirates of the Caribbean film. The first two were good, but this one's absolutely shit.

8. Where can I buy a plough?

9. You got Halo?

10. She didn't look that old but she did smell a bit of wee.

31st May 2007

1. It's easy putting your vest on back to front.

2. I always bring my own plastic bags nowadays... stops wastage.

3. You ever been to Akbar? Probably the best Indian round these parts, but I they don't tell you what meat's in the curry.

4. Do you remember back at school when that teacher crashed his bike?

5. I'm not gonna talk about it anymore because you don't listen and it only makes things worse.

6. I...can...rap. I... can rap... like... a shark...attack.

7. Why do they have escalators if they never work?

8. What star-sign are you? I'm Capricorn the goat.

9. His socks are rank. Really disgusting.

10. It's got those pop-pop studs instead of proper buttons.

24th May 2007

1. I saw Bill in the Masons. He's divorced or something.

2. There's too much hype about Harmison. At test level, he's a really average bowler.

3. This is ridiculous. It's May. It's May and it's bloody freezing.

4. It's business and shit, innit.

5. You're not getting married are you? Really? Golly.

6. Terrible smell. Blocked drains.

7. Jago? Sounds a bit foreign. Sounds a bit like Dago.

8. Who was the bloke who went to the pole... Shackleton? The one who was Kenneth Branagh.

9. Royals. They are the worst cigarettes ever.

10. It's like that whiney band. Not Radiohead. The band with Gwyneth Paltrow's fella.

17th May 2007
1. What's it got to do with you? Is it anything to do with you at all? No! No! So leave me alone!

2. That was simply sublime!

3. You're being very anti-semistic.

4. There was a lost bus on my road yesterday. She was supposed to be on Colney Hatch Lane but she took a wrong turn.

5. Ugh. My eyes have gone all spinny.

6. Today I spent a fiver on ciagrettes, pasta and rusks.

7. The chances of you seeing a unicorn are fairly small.

8. I never understood it. Clive was never management material and we all knew it.

9. She weeps like a harmonica.

10. Paper says that Gudjohnsen might end up at Spurs, but I don't see it myself.

10th May 2007
1. Ha ha ha! A pox upon you!

2. Can you imagine if your surname was Key and your dad named you Alan?

3. Does this train go to Bushey?... I've got shit on my trainers.

4. Nee bunt Hosen.

5. Leticia, would you stop fucking pissing around!

6. I've got an unhealthy obsession with Mr Men.

7. Man, I expected something more than salad.

8. I don't see what's wrong with dressing up as a black guy.

9. The photos all came out really grainy. Like it had been snowing or dark, but the weather was perfect.

10. At first I felt sorry for Paris Hilton, but she's still driving around. She's taking the piss.

3rd May 2007
1. I spoke to Del Boy and he says if you don't wanna speak to her just hang up the phone.

2. Hmmm... it's a bit Bruce Springsteen.

3. How often do you change your sheets?

4. The 134 stops around here. Or maybe it's the 43... I'm not sure.

5. There's going to be a lot of macramie.

6. You can pay by card if you want, but there's a minimum charge of a tenner.

7. Let's think about it. I'm not going to just say yes without asking my parents.

8. Lucy Pinder is so fit.

9. It'll cost you many a shilling.

10. You're never gonna win the lottery using them numbers.

26th April 2007
1. Your heart will stop beating in 20 seconds.

2. This girl asked me where Porchester Hall is. Is that the same as the Porchester Centre?

3. You don't have to stick your arm out and hail the train... it will stop anyway.

4. No, sweetie, you can’t eat that. That’s mummy’s button.

5. Get your tits out for me. Get them out. Get them out now or I’m going home.

6. Do you know how to copy stuff onto CD?

7. There was this really fit Somali woman, but she had this moustache. Not like proper hair, just dark shading.

8. This new sushi place has opened up. It’s just raw fish.

9. It’s quite cold today. I’ve got lots of layers on.

10. If I go to Fopp I’ll spend all my money.

19th April 2007
1. We need to get some of those candles for the bathroom.

2. Cricketers are sexy, but only when they wear whites. I can't be doing with all the colours.

3. I can't go there sober and then bop around to Kelly Clarkson.

4. Seriously. I feel like shit. I'd kill myself if it wasn't so exhausting.

5. I'm middle-aged! Growing old disgracefully.

6. Last time I was down for the marathon, I took the whole family to the Tate Modern.

7. I lost my old mobile in Salzburg.

8. He's bearded. He kinda looks like Ben Stiller's weird friend in There's Something About Mary.

9. What do you think of leopordskin? For the curtains.

10. There's no trains from Kings Cross this weekend, so we're gonna go to Euston and then drive.

12th April 2007
1. Nathan can't stop his sneezing.

2. You know that feeling when you can't shake off a dream...

3. When's it due? You gonna do it natural?

4. It'll make us look good, give us some leverage.

5. Acupuncture doesn't work like that... it's about dampness and reducing the mucus.

6. My dad always makes a joke when he sees a white person on the BBC.

7. They got my name wrong. I spelt it out for them but they screwed it up anyway.

8. The harmonies are out of key.

9. How tall is Johnny Wilkinson?

10. I was feeling very heavy and then suddenly I felt very light.

5th April 2007
1. Gimme some dirty ass bitches and a gat and I'm a gangsta.

2. Urghh... I know what's going to happen. She's going to make her stinky cauliflower cheese.

3. The train is no good, isn't it?

4. I'm gonna get me a modded Xbox.

5. What constitutes deadly force?

6. Teresa's real father turned out to be a right shit.

7. My mum's friend had botox and her eyes all swelled up.

8. If 2pac is immortal, how come he's dead?

9. The girl at Boots didn't know who the leader of the Opposition was.

10. Where's all these pigeons I've heard so much about?

29th March 2007
1. There's no denying it: it's a Seldon crisis.

2. Excuse me, could I swap seats with you? I'd like to talk to my friend.

3. The Fratellis are just shite. And Scottish shite, which is worse.

4. Dust gets everywhere.

5. Where do you go at weekends?

6. Paul Collingwood is quite attractive for a ginger.

7. I can't believe she's getting rid of my old subbuteo set.

8. Why don't cyclists have a license?

9. My girlfriend uses this Neutrogena scrub on my face.

10. Listen to that. It's Polish.

22nd March 2007
1. I don't like Annika. She's so pretentious.

2. Kit Kats have been foil-wrapped for ages.

3. You know what they're like, Brendan. They're all gypsies.

4. He has a big chair and pretends he's Alan Sugar.

5. I was gonna go to St Margarets but ended up going to Clayfield College.

6. Lick the paper.

7. There's a fantastic organic place in Muswell Hill that does fresh pesto.

8. This is a fragile ecosysytem.

9. Four quid for a bath bomb! That's just insane.

10. Don't mind the dog, he's child-friendly.

15th March 2007
1. I've been married to my husband for 53 years and he's never sent me flowers. If he did it now I'd think he was up to something.

2. You don't need a mouthguard for swimming.

3. It's a race against time and space!

4. Remember that Shaman song? Love, sex intelligence? It was so shit.

5. I wouldn't bother with Sky. Freeview has CSI most days.

6. Daniel Miller is a tiny-dicked, Marxist wanker.

7. I once knew a girl called Jordan Bennett. Felt a bit sorry for her.

8. What's a written warning going to do? It won't stop him doing it again.

9. Innit, innit? Innit.

10. The roof is done in. Slates everywhere.

8th March 2007
1. Great place to study... great place to shop... you wouldn't wanna live there.

2. She always wears my dressing gown.

3. This city is making me racist.

4. Andrea leaves little balls of tin foil wherever she goes.

5. What do you think of the band The Gossip? I really like their song.

6. I hate it when you do your make-up on the tube.

7. What's wrong with Specsavers?

8. Do birds talk to each other?

9. Treat yourself! Get a colonic!

10. I am Venezualan. My husband is English, you see.

1st March 2007
1. Gerald Kaufman thinks the world is flat.

2. I don't like the sound that ducks make when they are sad.

3. They teach you how to pass exams but they don't teach you life skills.

4. Rock. Roll. Easy.

5. You're a cider-drinker. You have no right to speak to me.

6. Every week there's a story about some unknown player who might be playing with Beckham in Los Angeles.

7. Is that how you get your jollies?

8. I'm gonna be a businessman so I can wear a suit everyday.

9. You've got to bear in mind that Germans are 75% water.

10. Everything is expensive.

22nd February 2007
1. I bring you death.

2. Does this ticket tell you how long the journey is?

3. Whoops a daisy! Someone's fallen over.

4. You have to push it in really hard.

5. The ones who drive 4 by 4's are laughing! They don't care how much they pay.

6. I've got ricin in me headscarf.

7. I hid inside one those plastic coverings that you put on suits.

8. C'mon Celtic! Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup the Hoooooooops!

9. This'll knock you out. It's anti-hystamine.

10. I'm drinkin' Rizzle Cola.

15th February 2007
1. Don't touch my memory stick.

2. Robbie Williams is quite old, isn't he?

3. You can get a mouth guard to stop grinding your teeth.

4. I'm not going to Peckham. Not with all the shootings.

5. This woman was getting off the train, and her baby's pram got stuck in the gap between the platform. I had to help her.

6. I wanna see more of Mark Ramprakash.

7. The Hammers aren't very happy.

8. They closed my clubs!

9. Why does everyone go to Borough Market?

10. Born Free... as free as the wind blow... forever... born to follow la la la

8th February 2007
1. The train came quickly. God is blessing us.

2. A small lesson for you: The bigger and richer the company, the easier they will fuck you over.

3. Why are Ghana and Nigeria playing in London?

4. South Indian food isn't like your normal Saturday night curry.

5. No-one at work cares how many pens you nick.

6. You don't get better than the Brisbane Lions.

7. I saw Derren Brown. He was in the cafe in Waterstones. The one on Piccadilly.

8. Oh Jesus. I've got awful shits.

9. There's that twat who looks like Lou Bega.

10. I have never seen a single second of High School Musical.

1st February 2007
1. I'm going over to his house to jam melodically.

2. Oi! Oi! Could everyone budge up please.

3. This burger is a bit sweaty.

4. My friend Karma says that Orange phones are shit.

5. That is a very small stapler.

6. It's a collaboration. Between me and my hands.

7. To be honest, I have a hard time believing you when you talk with that accent.

8. Someone is sitting on my scarf.

9. Do you want a bit of hot dog sandwich?

10. I don't understand that armless woman in Trafalgar Square. It's all too politically correct.

25th January 2007
1. I'm getting falafel... with like... oil... and like... lemon juice...

2. He ain't got no blade. He's all talk and no action.

3. We're gonna go to Brannigans over in Romford. You gonna be able to make it?

4. My printer doesn't work... I've got the wrong kind of USB cable.

5. Down under... yeah... they call chavs Bogans, or Bogeys or something.

6. It's hard to choose a name for the baby, because you never know how it will sound in ten or 20 years time.

7. I wouldn't worry. They'll keep you on file.

8. Austria has a very high standard of living. Lots of opera.

9. If you can find me an NHS dentist, I'll marry you.

10. Right. Good. Fine. Because we need the outline design by Thursday.

18th January 2007
1. All I wanted for Christmas was one of those Razr phones.

2. Felicity and Olive will be there. You should come. Bring Toby.

3. I've got one of those packs of tiny screwdrivers.

4. I don't think much of the new Opeth drummer. He's not in the same league as Martin Lopez.

5. You know a place for pizza? Ok. We get pizza.

6. There's no way Fabregas is as good as Stevie Gerrard.

7. Everyone has rubbish chairs, except for Barry... he's got this huge leather chair with proper armrests.

8. I think there's an Albanian restaurant in Kilburn.

9. There's nothing wrong with Family Guy, it's just a blatant rip-off of the Simpsons.

10. I do recycle. I just resent the fact that the bins are so big.

11th January 2007
1. I know that I can walk into that exam and pass it easy.

2. There is milk in the house, we just don't know where it is.

3. Please don't. I get embarrassed when you hug me in public.

4. Get a decent hot water bottle.

5. Who buys their fruit and veg on Berwick Street? It probably smells of porn.

6. Mummy, there's a place we can sit!

7. Mark talks really slowly. It's boring.

8. I know lots about you. Your favourite goal was when you cut inside and curled it into the top corner.

9. The Boots on Bond Street is huge. It's too big. I get lost in there.

10. I don't know what happened. It must have gone straight into my junk mail folder.

4th January 2007
1. I have no doubt that you know all the answers. You seem to know everything.

2. Three minutes is a long time in football.

3. Something.

4. It's not like I walk around with two vaginas sewn into my armpits.

5. Vests are for old men.

6. Good people don't deserve that.

7. Ivy, Rose... Tulip... there are lots of girls named after flowers.

8. You should see the size of his monitor! It's massive.

9. What has Rod Stewart ever done except smoke too much?

10. If you don't like Bond films, then you'll like Casino Royale.

Please note: none of the statements on the page reflect the personal views of themanwhofellasleep. If you send me something you've overheard, I'll try to include it. I may polish up the spelling, but that's it. Contributions to Tube Gossip are copyright Greg Stekelman and permission to reproduce all or part of any contribution must be given by me! If you want to post some quotes on your blog and include a link back to here, fine! If you want to rip off the page and reprint it as though it's your own idea, you're a very silly person.