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2002 tube gossip

26th December 2002
1. You sound very ugly when you say those things.
2. Even crime can't make Winona Ryder interesting.
3. London is only a 24-hour city in the sense that it doesn't disappear when I am sleeping.

4. I never agree with Julie Burchill, but at least she has a personality.

5. When the drums kick in, it sounds like hell on wheels.
6. You can't beat a good bit of Ibsen.
7. All in all, it's a hell of a shame.
8. He works for a company that makes corporate hackisacks.
9. For about 3 years running, she was the worst thing on television.
10. Everyone claims to be dysfunctional nowdays. Welcome to reality. What kept you?

19th December 2002
1. As well as the Simpsons, he was in that sitcom set in a radio station. Then his wife killed him. And herself.
2. I get Seasonally Adjusted Depression, but only in the summertime.
3. It feels like I'm in love.

4. From Golders Green to makes me worry.

5. Yeah, my dad used to beat him up at school.
6. All I can ever say is sorry.
7. It's the same old story - you drink too much and get naked in front of them. Every bloody time.
8. Let's make an amusing advert modelled on the tube map! It hasn't been done before.
9. She claims she invented electro music in the 70s. She didn't.
10. Everyone claims they like 'dark' comedy. I don't. I like 'funny' comedy.

12th December 2002
1. Everytime it rains, the tube station gets flooded. And it always rains here. It's London.
2. Mum, my bum feels bad.
3. Yeah, he's touring with Cradle of Filth as their second guitarist.

4. Beware anyone who champions the underdog. These people can fight their own battles.

5. I rather look forward to the Ragnarok.
6. You make fireworks go off in the park of my heart.
7. She's short, she's Scottish and she's weird.
8. Howzat!
9. I don't trust Professor Gunther von Hagens one little bit. He is a showman. He wears a hat!
10. Nothing is intrinsically cool. It all depends on fashion.

5th December 2002
1. The little gingerbread fellow has raisins for eyes.
2. You look as beautiful as ever.
3. I tried tying her up with the wire from the kettle, but it did nothing for her.

4. The skin around the edges has gone dry and itches constantly.

5. Ah, there is nothing like Prague in winter.
6. In other countres cashpoints greet you by name - it is quite unsettling.
7. Let's turn the girlband into the Sugababes. We need to focus on the credible end of the market.
8. David Baddiel should be ashamed of himself. I'm certainly ashamed of him.
9. Oh look. Morten Harket.
10. I think you have put me off sex forever.

28th November 2002
1. I can't wait to get home to the cribbage.
2. Oh. My new mobile phone. Oh.
3. Christ! I am so sick of subsidising farmers!

4. Let's kit the boyband out in brown leather jackets.

5. According to Friends Reunited, everyone I know is dead.
6. Nah, the motherboard is knackered.
7. Kill them all! Kill them! Stamp them all out!
8. Sydney Greenstreet, Robert Morley, John Goodman - all great fat actors.
9. William, give the girl your skittles.
10. This inclement weather will continue until January.

21st November 2002
1. Drum and Bass pioneer Goldie is office joker Colin Hunt.
2. Those fat blind women are scary.
3. It was a penalty - it should have been a penalty.

4. Mark my words. Passports for pets will introduce rabies into the country.

5. Puny liberals fear they will be unable to register opposition to a military strike.
6. Say what you will, Harlesden has character.
7. Green Lanes is going to hell in a handbasket.
8. Yes, it is terribly swollen.
9. There is a touch of vomit still on your lapels.
10. Shepherd's Bush tube has two exits, like a double-bum.

14th November 2002
1. I get so upset about the illegal sale of ivory.
2. It's easy to forget how young Sophie Ellis Bextor actually is.
3. Nothing says Christmas like Port and Stilton.

4. Thirteen urban areas, including Newcastle, have resident otters, which live and breed in the urban water courses.

5. Hey! Pussy Boy! You act so scared! We are gonna do you bad.
6. May she rot in hell.
7. My spiritual advisor told me I needed a bigger hard drive.
8. I walked up the stairs at covent Garden. Halfway up I started regretting every second of my miserable existence.
9. Two in five cars suffer mechanical failure in the 48 months after their three-year warranties expire, according to a new survey.
10. The time has come for bold, imaginative solutions. The days of ad hoc, incremental growth are well and truly over.

7th November 2002
1. Martine McCutchen has revived her fortunes on the West End stage!
2. This is the station where they filmed Bergerac.
3. Oooh, looks like someone's been to Fortnum and Mason's.

4. You've got lipstick on your teeth.

5. There are over 2 million rats on the London Underground. And that's not counting passengers.
6. Excuse me, does the train terminate here?
7. Yeah, I'd never trust a butler. Sneaky sorts.
8. You're such a little Dermot Murnaghan.
9. Gee...London sure is expensive.
10. Kyle Machlachan is surprisingly grey.

31st October 2002
1. Halloween. Goths...knock yourselves out.
2. Pistachio is the king of nuts. And so green!
3. God is all around us. In every animal, in every object, in every person.

4. Hmmm...good Morrissey retrospective at the Barbican.

5. The police have been hanging arounf Bounds Green station all day.
6. Look at me again and I'll cut you.
7. Did you know that otters only live in Canada?
8. That looks a lot like a fishcake.
9. Highbury and Islington station is in zone 2. Angel is in zone 1. It's easy to get confused. You idiot.
10. I can tell you one thing for sure. Robert Pires doesn't eat in Nandos.

24th October 2002
1. Ah, the London Underground. Sweet relief from mobile phones.
2. I work out. I oump iron. I run miles. But still my soul is feeble and weak.
3. First day of winter - central heating fails. Happens every time.

4. Bob Dylan is a whiney old toad.

5. Yeah, we all hung out at Brent Cross shopping centre last weekend.
6. Give me some of that in a bun.
7. If you continue to play the accordian in this carriage I will kick your head in.
8. Please Mr Italian tourist, do block my access to the escalator.
9. The French will eat anything.
10. Oh look. Jesus.

17th October 2002
1. I remember when London was all Rococo and Baroque architecture.
2. Gloria! Not here!
3. Then the cabbie swung the door closed on his head. You could hear the cunch of bone and metal.

4. Neil Young looks like a scarecrow.

5. What's all this rocket nonsense? Give me a proper salad anyday.
6. Everyone knows that Patrick Troughton was the best Doctor Who.
7. I think that man is dead.
8. You can push through the barriers after me. No-one will see.
9. She wrapped it in clingfilm and brought it into work the next day.
10. I just can't get enough of Claire Sweeney.

10th October 2002
1. Manor House? Do I have a choice? Ok....I go for House.
2. It is such a pleasure to finally see Dame Judi Dench and Dame Maggie Smith together on the West End stage.
3. Your soul is a corrupt cesspool. But I like you.

4. It is amazing the lengths that men will go to to get cheaper car insurance.

5. My fingers are chafed from all the rubbing.
6. That man with the mullet and the wrinkled it Lou Reed?
7. Keith Richards is just Keith Chegwin with drugs.
8. The MicroBionta woman gets bustier with every advert.
9. Mum is popping round later to do the ironing.
10. Look, for the last time, you can't bring bikes onto the Tube. This isn't a bloody Silverlink train, you know...

3rd October 2002
1. The party was ok. I spent the evening avoiding men in baseball caps.
2. The Sugababes aren't actually that sweet.
3. Bah. Sex isn't the answer. Damn it.

4. American Beauty, A Clockwork Orange, The Italian Job. The three most over-rated films I've seen.

5. Excuse me young man, would you help me carry my suitcase up the stairs?
6. I'd like to pave over the garden.
7. Kathryn Hepburn beats Audrey Hepburn every time.
8. I have always dabbled in the Kabbalah.
9. Have a lemon tea and go back to bed.
10. I saw Chris Kamara singing Gershwin on TV. It was amazing.

25th September 2002
1. Julio Iglesias used to play for Real Madrid.
2. There are loads of dodgy kids hanging around Kennigton tube station.
3. My favourite celebrities are all dead. Or I pretend they are dead, anyway.

4. Nowdays, if you haven't got broadband, you may as well forget it.

5. No-one plays the zither like Anton Karas.
6. Oi mate! You look like a poof!
7. Now Jemima, stop bothering that man.
8. The Kurt Cobain revival has begun.
9. Let's invade Belgium.
10. Is it wrong to start like Robin Williams this late in the day?

19th September 2002
1. Your Frenchman will eat a Croque Monsieur without flinching.
2. Escalator out of order. Again. They have to order the parts from abroad, apparently.
3. This isn't a city. It is the punchline to an old, old joke.

4. This year we're going to be hearing a lot of Doo-Wop influences in rock 'n' roll.

5. Mum, stop it. You're too old to wear that!
6. My Big Mac just crumbles before I've finished eating it.
7. One thousand years ago we wouldn't have known the news outside our village. I wish things were like that now.
8. Stuff the turkey yourself.
9. The homeless are getting cheekier. They see it as a vocation nowdays.
10. I'm not saying we should bomb Iraq. But we've got to bomb somewhere!

12th September 2002
1. I can do magic. I can do realism. But no way am I doing magic realism.
2. Politics in this country is all about hair and teeth.
3. No. My other sister. The fishmonger.

4. Daniel! Sit down! You want a clip round the ear?

5. Birmingham = Raymond Burr + Ming the Merciless + Ham sandwich.
6. ...and the vicar says he won't even inform the police.
7. Why do both Jonathan and Paul Ross believe they are qualified to review films?
8. I buy all my baked goods from 'Keith's Quiches'.
9. Sylvester Stallone is no Michael Caine.
10. Never trust a man with a penis.

5th September 2002
1. Once again, forsaken by divine forces.
2. The circle, hammersmith and metropolitan lines are closed between Baker Street and King's Cross over the weekend. It is an absolute disgrace.
3. Milk, two sugars. Ok, make it three.

4. Joanna. Is it you? Christ, you have changed.

5. My favourite singer is Steve Winwood.
6. Broadband internet has not improved the quality of my life.
7. I bought a prosthetic stomach so I can empathise with Emily through the pregnancy.
8. Unions are taking over this country.
9. I'm tired. I am realising all the thick bullies I remember from school now have successful careers in the media.
10. Happy New Year!

29th August 2002
1. Too many kids cycling on the pavements. Think they're hard...they should cycle in the road.
2. It seems we're not going anywhere.
3. Heather Cooper was my favourite TV astronomer.

4. John Suchet isn't as tall as you'd think. He's always sitting down on the news.

5. Toronto has a marvellous subway system.
6. A Bloody Mary must be left to settle. No point drinking it straight away.
7. That child seems to have his arm stuck in the door.
8. He was playing an acoustic guitar. It was that kind of party.
9. Things are going suspiciously well. It makes me nervous.
10. favourite names.

22nd August 2002
1. This heat is unbearable. I just lie in bed and sweat all day.
2. My new themanwhofellasleep T-shirt is gorgeous. I have had so many hot dates since I purchased it.
3. I have no money, and yet the credit card companies keep on sending me letters saying I have been selected because of my wonderful credit rating.

4. Nina Simone looks like a bloke.

5. You smell of oysters.
6. My mum once gave me some advice: never get off the train at Walthamstow.
7. The new season has only just started and I am exhausted already.
8.No! Winnie! No!
9. My weekend was directed by David Lynch.
10. I can't face any more weddings.

15th August 2002
1. If you weren't so beautiful I'd like you a whole lot more.
2. Well, happy Birthday Rachel.
3. You don't understand! It's the weather the holiday can't spoil.

4. I really can't stand Hoxton. I can't even find it. I get off the tube at Old Street and then get lost...

5. Sheila has never been good friends with her body.
6. London's multiculuralism is neither bad nor good. It's just a part of the city.
7. There's another nail in the coffin of youth culture.
8. Jimmy Nail has never bettered Crocodile Shoes.
9. "Jesus Wept" is the shortest verse in the bible.
10. Where have all the flowers gone?

8th August 2002
1. You don't get it! I enjoy being a cultural stereotype.
2. I love the sudden burst of arid sunshine when the train emerges from the tunnel at East Finchley.
3. The only good thing Marin Amis ever wrote was at the end of London Fields, when he finds out who is father is, and talks about how men are always their fathers, just like women are always their mothers.

4. You're my sugar petal, you're my wine stain, you're my gravy boat of love.

5. Mike Myers is both overrated and underrated.
6. In my dream I hover a lot...I don't fly, I just walk on air as though it were solid.
7. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I just stay up all night listening to vintage Elton John.
8. Give me death before you give me "Pirates of Penzance".
9. You are my universe.
10. We're all part of the Sancho Panzer Division.

25th July 2002
1. My nipples have been secreting an oily perfume.
2. I only take the tube to avoid conversations with minicab drivers.
3. June Whitfield has always been middle-aged.

4. Please take a moment to register this program....can you spare some change?

5. Let's go surfing.
6. Murder. Love. Milk. Gills. Drama. Ennui. Past. Pasta.
7. The neighbours are making noise again. I can't take it.
8. Kelsey Grammar will always live in the shadow of David Hyde-Pierce.
9. We're going to be hearing a lot of sixties-style Merseybeat this summer. Not sure if it is good or not.
10. Nah, the system works ok. You just need to download the drivers.

18th July 2002
1. Hmmm...Indepedence Day. I certainly don't feel independent.
2. You call it a Greek salad. I call it dull.
3. Who buys futons nowdays? They're so 1993.
4. Happy Birthday Nathan!
5. What the hell is Mark Curry doing back on national TV?
6. You cannot hold me responsible for any of it. You made your choices.
7. Too much poetry is based on old photos.
8. Hasn't Emma Samms aged well?
9. The new ticket machines on the London Underground are useless. I get on at Bounds Green - broken! I get off at King's Cross - also broken!
10. Jesus, it's hot.

11th July 2002
1. Take a nice piece of bread, spread pesto on it. Toast the bread. Add feta, cherry tomatos and a smile.
2. I'm not going to listen to any of your goddam pinko crap.
3. Yeah, she falls in love with a different guy every six months.
4. You can use vinegar to clean glass, but you can't spray Windowlene on your chips.
5. Since when did they give prizes for gender hatred?
6. My favourite sandwich? Poached salmon and rocket.
7. How can we use lesbian chic to promote our new products?
8. I am the un-God.
9. You make me physically sick.
10. Are Randy and Michael Crawford twins?

4th July 2002
1. I live in a Cindy Sherman Tank.
2. Most anti-semitism nowdays comes from the left wing.
3. Cyclops was always king of the X-Men.
4. It is time for the Eurythmics revival.
5. The train unions should just declare war on the general public and get it over and done with.
6. The mean, the mode and the median. I love them all.
7. It was as big as a bean.
8. I pledge my allegiance to neither the Cripps nor the Bloods.
9. Her solo career never matched the highlights of her work as a dinner lady.
10. can't fight City Hall.

27th June 2002
1. You have led me down the garden path. And now my feet are covered in gravel.
2. Her bosoms are practically spilling out of her top - it's obscene!
3. Kraftwerk, Can, Faust, Neu!...I could go on.
4. Once a week you should eat grilled fish.
5. A plantain is like a big banana.
6. My fashionable retro T-shirt makes me stand out in a crowd.
7. Everyone knows that Jackie Mason used to be a Rabbi.
8. He's the kind of bloke you might fancy on TV, but if you saw him in real life, you'd be disgusted.
9. Nah, Ronaldo is wicked, man.
10. Chelsea Clinton's boyfriend is no older than twelve.

20th June 2002
1. Thor's magic hammer was called Mjolnir.
2. David Bowie or Madonna? Who has reinvented themselves more?
3. It always rains on my barbeque.
4. Harold, stop playing with the immigrants.
5. It is calculated that by 2004 everyone in Britain will have appeared in Art on the West End stage.
6. I kept on confusing love with pride. That's how I lost her. Oh please, just give me a drink.
7. Sting, where is thy death?
8. You can lead a horse to water, but what's the point?
9. It is impossible to find a proper bagel nowdays. Bagels should always be boiled before they are baked.
10. I love you Kate Bush.

13th June 2002
1. God help us all when your generation comes to power.
2. More live-action adaptions of vintage cartoons please!
3. This train is making some very unhealthy sounds.
4. We need the carrot and the stick to solve this problem.
5. I can deal with the past and the future, but the present destroys me.
6. Quiero una noche de amor contigo.
7. Is Earls Court still closed?
8. Was Herge a fascist? I hope not.
9. Sunderland should never have been built.
10. Why does John Motson keep making refernces to breakfast tables?

6th June 2002
1. You are an accident waiting to happen.
2. He did it all over my ear.
3. I think perhaps we met in Poland? No?
4. Scary Spice is really diversifying in an attempt to find a viable career.
5. You look at all these supposed health foods. And the first item on the list of ingredients is sugar.
6. If one more person tells me that Slash from Gun's N Roses was born in Stoke...I will scream.
7. We all have problems with the past tense.
8. Politicians try to hard to be liked. They should just get on with making decisions.
9. The belly-button was the most painful piercing.
10. TS Elliott is an honourary Brit.

30th May 2002
1. Would you STOP going on about Samuel Beckett? There are other things in life.
2. I am not being contrary. You're the one being contrary.
3. That bloke in the Burger King advert is in loads of other ads...a beer advert, and one where he's a police officer...he has that gormless bloke look that ad agencies love.
4. Beware the angry stoat.
5. The Beckham cut will sweep the world. Even though popstars did it first. They don't have his global appeal.
6. Ronnie Barker was always my favourite.
7. All my ideas are in this little briefcase.
8. I have terrible ulcers all over my tongue.
9. God help us all if the USA gets good at football.
10. Twiggy is just old.

23rd May 2002
1. I am the sun. I am the stars. I am the universe. I am very lonely.
2. I heard that Scotland had detached from the rest of Britain and was floating towards the Arctic circle.
3. Why oh why does the BBC insist on changing the timeslot for the Antiques Roadshow? Come on Beeb! Pull your finger out!
4. There are too many jokes made at the expense of opera.
5. Oh dear. I appear to be out of a job.
6. That man resembles a bloated satsuma. He needs peeling.
7. Jordan - she's not real, she's just some silicone-enhanced slab of bacon.
8. You can change from the Picadilly Line to the Victoria Line at Finsbury Park just by crossing over the platform.
9. This Christian newspaper focuses on just the right issues.
10. I am translucent. Some light just passes through me.

16th May 2002
1. Every can of coke I buy seems to come from abroad. They are covered in foreign writing. It's not right.
2. There are just too many celebrities. We need a cull.
3. Brian Blessed is an ok actor, but he tends to underplay his roles. I'd like to see him really cut loose.
4. NEVER play around on the platform - it is very dangerous.
5. Big Star's version of 'Femme Fatale' is beautiful.
6. My head keeps falling off.
7. Well, that's democracy. If people want to vote for the far-right, they will.
8. Jonathan! Put it away!
9. Matt Jansen looks just like that bloke out of Buffy.
10. Oh, little Benny Bear, you are naked again!

9th May 2002
1. The liberal press has persecuted Ike for beating up Tina Turner, but he made some fantastic records.
2. Impossible!
3. You don't see Hermesetas anymore.
4. I am Atlas, holding up the world at gunpoint.
5. Mug Tree - £1.99
6. Never throw away a receipt or a lit match.
7. ...and the vicar said: "That's not a sponge finger!"
8. You can change onto the Silverlink at Highbury and Islington and get to Willesden Junction that way. It's quicker.
9. If I argue with you, it's only because I care.
10. It is very fashionable to bash Americans, but think of your favourite film...favourite actor, favourite singer..etc...all American!

2nd May 2002
1. Les Dennis is a really nice person.
2. These new fonts haven't many us any happier.
3. Everywhere I go I see church spires. I want to climb them. I want to send messages of love to the city.
4. It's backache.
5. I appear to have swallowed my tongue.
6. You can make an easy pizza by using a naan bread as your base and adding tomato puree and cheese.
7. It is just a low-down, funky beat.
8. Death. Death. Death.
9. If he's such a nice guy, then how come nobody likes him.
10. David Blaine is half Jewish, half Puerto rican.

25th April 2002
1. Can you smell cordite?
2. George Orwell writes beautifully. He is due for a revival.
3. They've apparently already cast Christian Slater as the Silver Surfer.
4. Susannah is some form of marine hermaphrodite. Bloody good cook though.
5. That man has a Hitler moustache and is staring at us.
6. Wrong. I'm a fridge.
7. Mother, why are you so vulgar!?!
8. That Middle-East correspondant always has bags under her eyes. She should get more sleep.
9. It's about this time of year that most people start enquiring why there is no air conditioning on the tube, and it's actually a very fascinating tale...
10. Please stop playing that accordian.

18th April 2002
1. I love the smell of fried onions, burining greasy on a old-fashioned griddle.
2. Bob Monkhouse is something of a misnoma. He is neither monk nor house.
3. People who bake their own bread make me sick.
4. I spent the whole day in a sleeping bag. I looked like some of a slug.
5. What little girl doesn't dream of growing up to be Darcy Bussell?
6. Can you accomodate?
7. Nah, they're implants.
8. We are the cosmic force that undermines your pathetic existence. We control you from a far distance. Cower! Puny earthling!
9. John Virgo scares me.
10. ketchup. Just burger sauce.

11th April 2002
1. Say what you will about Saddam, he looks good for his age.
2. I light another cigarette before I've even stopped smoking the previous one.
3. We busted that bitch real proper.
4. What has happened to James Wattana? He was the Thai-phoon.
5. Delicious? Yes. Nutritional? No.
6. I can ride horses. I can ride donkeys. But I can't make love to you.
7. Most gangsta rappers are quite polite in person.
8. No, Piers is straight.
9. I like girls with garlic breath.
10. When I was 17 I used to have dreadlocks. Silly old me.

4th April 2002
1. My ear has swollen up like a balloon
2. The tulips and crocusses are coming. I like Spring. I like colour.
3. Does this train go to Birmingham?
4. Gordon Ramsey is a fabulous cook, but he has a dreadful potty-mouth.
5. Ironing should be satisfying...removing creases should feel good, but it doesn't. It's just boring.
6. I'm afraid the autobiography has been relocated to Holland. Your name will be Pieter.
7. Mmmm...pearl drops.
8. I'm gonna bust your head.
9. I don't care what you're going to say - I disagree.
10. The blonde highlights accentuate my passionate nature.

28th March 2002
1. Kaiser Wilhelm was a marvellous draughtsman.
2. Has New York's drop in crime come at a high cultural expense?
3. I like Tic Tacs and Poppets.
4. I hate it when the train stops like this between stations. The least they could do is make some kind of announcement.
5. My breasts are sore.
6. Their armies are legion. The apocalypse is nigh.
7. Excuse me, are you my father?
8. Barry Took, Billy Wilder, Milton Berle, Dudley Moore...all dead now.
9. Angela Lansbury will never be accepted as Miss Marple.
10. I don't trust men with nose rings.

21st March 2002
1. Bring on the empty marmosets.
2. I have a deep yearning to appear respectable.
3. The application of tefillim is a profoundly spiritual process.
4. Taste my greasy meat.
5. A group of asylum seekers have set up camp in my pancreas.
6. History will vindicate me.
7. Why can't I change onto the Northern Line at Kings Cross?
8. You'll never guess who I had in my cab last week?! Joe Bugner!
9. Tom Cruise is as charmless as he is short.
10. I walk until I fall over.

14th March 2002
1. Whereabouts in Benin are you from?
2. I'm so glad we can still be friends.
3. Taxis never stop for me. Colleagues have shunned me.
4. The new single is ok. I just feel that they are a band that has run out of time.
5. My shoulders are hairy.
6. Last night it was very cold. There was a pigeon on my sill this morning. Its feet had frozen. It was stuck there.
7. You are dreadful.
8. I love the works of Carlos Scannapieco.
9. Well, maybe in the next life I'll come back as a parasite and know what it's like to be you.
10. I want to be as sleek and invulnerable as a swan.

7th March 2002
1. I don't love you anymore.
2. Soft light just passes straight through me. Perhaps I am not quite human.
3. Women scare me.
4. Please. I need to win the lottery. Please. I need this.
5. Martin Amis is certainly cleverer than Kingsley ever was, but his work is so self-consciously self-conscious. It makes me anxious.
6. Spring comes to soon.
7. That busker will destroy me.
8. I don't like films where it is all a dream. I mean, what a cop out!
9. Are you themanwhofellasleep?
10. Bounds Green isn't so bad.

28th February 2002
1. I am the leap year!
2. The anti-capitalist march was a qualified success, but I wish I hadn't bartered my walkman for that brown rice.
3. My flesh is beginning to rot.
4. Should I shave my crabladder?
5. The rooftops of North London have a strange and inexplicable beauty.
6. Locusts!
7. My lucky number is 28. Hence, today is my lucky day.
8. They reattached the hand, but it doesn't feel right. My life isn't what I thought it would be.
9. Would you be interested in reading some literature? The kingdom of heaven is still very much open for you.
10. I just can't believe Spurs lost. Sheringham was really off form.

21st February 2002
1. 'From Dusk to Dawn III' wasn't as good as 'From Dusk to Dawn II'.
2. My lips are dry and dusty.
3. Cocker spaniel, hedgehog, canary, mantaray, horsefly, camel....ugh....I hate camels.
4. We all have the virus nowdays.
5. Nuneaton.
6. Do they really have to close the station because one set of escalotors is broken?
7. The film totally ignores his bisexuality. It is a sham.
8. Hector, have you finished with that fish-head yet?
9. Women's Curling! Brilliant!
10. Whenever you're ready, we can start harvesting your organs.

14th February 2002
1. I wish to be elsewhere.
2. Was Bob Marley really Welsh?
3. My life has been greatly enhanced by my new Mp3 player.
4. Golly. Posh Spice does sweat a lot.
5. Choo Choo! I am a steam train!
6. The broken-backed insect gods will ravage your land. I pity you wretches. You'd be better off dead.
7. Ah, Holborn. It is a perfect balance of Picadilly and Central lines. Hmmmm...
8. My deodorant offers me invisible protection, much like an odour-free guardian angel.
9. If I were a woman I would marry Robert Crumb.
10. The greatest day in human history occured on the 5th March 1974. It has been all downhill since then.

7th February 2002
1. I am not Spock.
2. When I woke up, the leg was gone. I haven't seen it since.
3. A penguin beats a gazelle anytime.
4. Brenda drives a small car, she is not as happy as she used to be. Clive has left, he's shacked up with some Canadian bloke. Very hairy.
5. My leather jacket doesn't suit me as well as it did 35 years ago.
6. The horses have bolted from the stable! Oh Mr Cartwright, you must help us!
7. We are the Tom Cruise missiles.
8. Nu Metal is the worst thing in the world.
9. I have made new friends over the internet. If only I knew their real names...
10. How clever! They're using World War II to advertise beer.

31st January 2002
1. My life as a performance artist brings me little happiness.
2. I am a twelve-year-old boy. Why must mum and dad get divorced? I hate them. I wish I had a dog.
3. Brocolli and Stilton soup is good.
4. Muhammed Ali is screamingly inarticulate.
5. If I see H from Steps, I will bludgeon him to death with a spanner. That haircut! That chin! Who does he think he is?
6. Always more questions...
7. Kelly, will you listen to me? I love you, but not like that. We will change. It will work out. Please don't tell mum.
8. I am Anubis.
9. Nobody knows what my body really looks like.
10. George Foreman's special grills look scary.

24th January 2002
1. Death becomes me.
2. Metro prints all of yesterday's news with unerring accuracy. I will keep it to read on the journey home.
3. The carriage clock persuaded me to go for that pension.
4. I am many.
5. I am one.
6. Confetti ripieni di cioccolato al latte.
7. Haha! Yes, well don't get back together with her. Do it if you want, but you know it'll end badly and I don't want you complaining about it to me. Seriously.
8. Woody Allen is a poor man's Ronnie Corbett.
9. My deflector shields are dangerously low.
10. Britains prospers without me. I have no place in this world.

17th January 2002
1. I am 'Bored of the Rings'.
2. Janet Jackson has had almost as much plastic surgery than Michael Jackon but vainly clings to some sense of artistic and moral superiority.
3. I should never have killed that kid.
4. Kate Winslet = Nut Cutlet.
5. We prefered Europe when it was further away. The Euro is tantamount to homosexuality.
6. Robin Williams is not Jewish. Why does he think he will be funny if he puts on that voice?
7. Gulls have plucked out my eyes.
8. You cannot lead your horse to water here. You have no permit.
9. Chicken Kievs! I don't want any more chicken Kievs! Just leave me alone.
10. I am proud of my big-boned son.

10th January 2002
1. You are all whores.
2. Damn your eyes, Gladstone!
3. These macaques aren't as friendly as I had anticipated.
4. I have nothing to fear but fear itself, which I fear intensely.
5. Billy Crystal has never had a funny moment in his life.
6. These self-help manuals are no good at all. I was telling Jessica the other day about how I felt impotent and useless and she just yawned. She's not very tolerant of my foibles.
7. Karen Keating has disappeared from our TV screens.
8. The Welwyn Garden City to London Moorgate service has been cancelled due to lack of drivers.
9. My Palm Pilot fills me with a sense of infinite woe.
10. Nick Cave has a very long face.

3rd January 2002
1. Hooray, another year! This year will surely be better than the last year. The inexorable march of progress will bring us all happiness.
2. I wish this train would move, as I need the toilet and do not wish to urinate in public.
3. Why does George Lucas insist on that walnut-whip hairdo?
4. You have no proof.
5. I am the immortal one. I was alive before the Pharaohs and will be alive when this world is dust. Mock me at your peril, for you cannot encompass the scope and geometry of my soul.
6. Haringey council has once again screwed me over.
7. Don't you love me Snoopy? I love you. I love you so bad it hurts.
8. By adding a hip-hop drumbeat to my spoken-word monologue, my peers will consider me eclectic and bohemian.
9. This meat is not properly cooked.

10. This country doesn't have enough TV programmes about redecorating your house.

Please note: none of the statements on the page reflect the personal views of themanwhofellasleep. If you send me something you've overheard, I'll try to include it. I may polish up the spelling, but that's it. Contributions to Tube Gossip are copyright Greg Stekelman and permission to reproduce all or part of any contribution must be given by me! If you want to post some quotes on your blog and include a link back to here, fine! If you want to rip off the page and reprint it as though it's your own idea, you're a very silly person.