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2003 tube gossip

25th December 2003
1. Yeah? Well, welcome to my world of shit.
2. I crave pie.
3. They've started making Coke in old glass bottles... I'm a sucker for it, even though it's pricier than the plastic.

4. You're a weakling.

5. She was always the teacher's pet. Like a little chihuahua.

6. Can you hear birds singing?

7. Silverlink is down. Again.

8. Christmas makes me glad I'm muslim.
9. Being a working girl is quite respectable nowadays.
10. Despite all your tears and histrionics, you don't feel any more than the rest of us. Grow up.

18th December 2003
1. George Best should shut up. He's only got himself to blame.
2. Did you see the paper? They've caught Nasser Hussain.
3. It feels like a super stretchy pair of lips, and it fits in your pocket.

4. A lot of these columnists are just rich twentysomething girls. What do they know about life?

5. One hundred years this day... I raped your mum.

6. God, I hate penalty shoot-outs.

7. I like my coffee like my men, sweet and milky.

8. Yeah, they've started doing a broadsheet version of The Sun. It's a nightmare on the tube.
9. We're going to Cairo for Christmas.
10. I fucking hate the Northern Line.

11th December 2003
1. Stop that. You'll get neck ache.
2. If she starts speaking French again, I will go insane.
3. Kolo Toure seems like such a nice bloke.

4. Nowadays they want to be performance artists, but what's wrong with just being an old-fashioned magician?

5. They aren't called Marlboro Lights anymore... I call them Marlboro Beige.

6. That kid has really evil eyes.

7. Elmore Leonard is very overrated.

8. You can't beat a crisp, freshly-ironed light blue shirt.
9. He was left alone for two weeks. He survived by eating wallpaper.
10. I've gone mouldy between my legs.

4th December 2003
1. Lucy, are you ever coming home?
2. I cough and cough and cough and all I get is a tiny little bit of phlegm.
3. There's still time. Debbie harry was over 30 when Blondie hit the big time.

4. If someone falls into a bath, you fish them out... you don't suffocate their friend.

5. Jay Z looks like a fish... like a giant rapping pike.

6. It smells of stilton.

7. I don't want your money.

8. There was something in the cigarette, I think it was a pea.
9. You're a lovely man.
10. It's more of a Van Dyke than a goatee.

27th November 2003
1. Hmmm... I'm going home to drink a pint of Jamesons.
2. Life's a lot easier once you accept that you're not going to amount to anything.
3. Rohan Ricketts has been using some new kind of hair oil on his scalp, you can tell.

4. Management consultant, my arse.

5. There's no profit in mugging any more.

6. Deborah has such a wide mouth... it's not even that big.... just really wide.

7. Yeah, these five gay guys show a straight guy how to be more gay.

8. Craig David has shot his load. It's over.
9. She's a fucking piss-artist is what she is.
10. Have you ever been to Watford? There's NOTHING there.

20th November 2003
1. It's true. Basil Brush is a global figure. I fucking hate him.
2. Les Gillett has changed the face of professional bowls.
3. Eggs are bad.

4. Only I can save you.

5. Is that girl a girl or a man?

6. Every time I look at Canary Wharf I can imagine planes crashing into it.

7. Christ, my hands are so greasy and smelly.

8. Let's just get off here and walk home. It can't be any slower.
9. Yeah, it's Annette... she's a Java programmer. Nice teeth.
10. Ian Walker needs a new haircut... he looks like a prat.

13th November 2003
1. He is the best marabout around.. he has 35 years experience. He will bring back your loved ones.
2. I am afraid I have contracted the black lung.
3. Hilary says she's wants seperate beds. She's tired of my snoring.

4. You're always slagging off anyone in power. Try a less obvious target and I'll start listening.

5. Well, Matrix Revolutions has overtaken Dogma as the biggest pile of shit I've ever seen.

6. Excuse me? Is that your samosa?

7. Yeah, she was so disgusted by her three-in-a-bed with the two footballers that she rushed straight to the tabloids to tell everyone.

8. The shaver ran out of battery halfway through and got stuck to my beard.
9. Tyler should be in a borstal or dead by now.
10. I used to play Kabbadi at school.

6th November 2003
1. Men who use Macs rather than PCs tend to have quite small cocks.
2. In ten years time you'll be in Panto.
3. I am not your father. Stop calling me dad.

4. It's true - you do look a bit like Russell Harty.

5. The best thing about him is he has loads of spots on his back... I can spend all evening squeezing them.

6. Claudia Winkleman is fantastic... I don't know why she's stuck on BBC 3.

7. My inbox is empty.

8. Of course I love you. I tell you every bloody day.
9. Everyone in London is on cocaine. I find it all faintly depressing.
10. They've been slagging off Pop Idol in the House of Commons.
30th October 2003
1. Richard Madeley is David Icke waiting to happen.
2. Her little boy went to hospital with a cola cube up his nose.
3. Christ! What is that smell?!?

4. I spoke to God and he told me that he hates you.

5. I don't wash my towels... I just throw them out when they turn grey.

6. The next big thing is going to be urine therapy.

7. Look, I try to be open-minded... but fisting? ... Ugh....

8. Never believe them when they say that normal service will be resumed after the weekend.
9. I had a dream that Chris Sutton was angry with me. He had released a folk single and I had slagged it off.
10. Let's do it here.
23rd October 2003
1. I can't eat that banana. It has a bruise on it.
2. Anyway, she has to go round everyone in the IT department and remind them not to wank in the toilets.
3. Why do they call him OJ? Did he murder his ex-wife?

4. My all-time favourite musical has to be Chess.

5. No one is supposed to know about it, but Tony Blair is set to resign in November. No election - the job will go to Brown.

6. You slept with Joanne? So did I. What was it like for you?

7. If there are three derailments in a week you get your money back.

8. Maybe it is natural, but maybe it's Maybelline...
9. So how is your winkie today?
10. I wanna go on a juice diet - I am too busy to chew food these days.

16th October 2003
1. Smallville is crap. It's just Dawson's Creek with superpowers... he hasn't even worked out how to fly yet.
2. Don't worry, a Circle Line train should be along in the next 45 minutes.
3. She made a big deal out of the fact that I hadn't told her I was circumcised.

4. If Rivaldo comes to Spurs I will weep tears of honey.

5. The captain was kind enough to serve me my supper in my cabin.

6. Mein Kampf? Yeah, we did it at GCSE.

7. Be careful in London mate, there's loads of gays.

8. The busker at Bank station was playing "Je Ne Regrette Rien". It was lovely.
9. You shit!
10. Then he kicked me in the womb.

9th October 2003
1. Don't be so proud - you're a fucking idiot.
2. He kept on saying, 'oh, this is not a blame culture', but he was staring right at me.
3. Wow. Is it always that big?

4. I rather like the Independent as a tabloid.

5. I was in Bethnal Green. Everyone was dressed in those bloody trucker's baseball caps.

6. It's like Alpay actively wants to be hated.

7. If I had a pair of decent shoes, I could do anything.

8. Listen pal, it's not on. Give me my money, not another excuse.
9. I love eating my scabs. I can't help it.
10. That lesbian pixie was always gonna win Fame Academy.

2nd October 2003
1. I don't even dream anymore. I just think about unpaid bills.
2. A Telewest Broadband van follows me wherever I go.
3. If you can't be funny, be topical.

4. All these middle-class boys who should be into Coldplay, but say they are into gay black 70s disco... makes me sick.

5. Remember: bombs don't discriminate.

6. There are more Australians in London than in Australia.

7. A girl on Mastermind did the Manic Street Preachers as her specialist subject. It's just wrong.

8. You broke my fucking heart, and now you sit here and tell me it's not personal.
9. Stephen Fry is proof that if you speak in a posh accent and write a few books people will think you are a genius.
10. God, how I wish I didn't exist.

25th September 2003
1. It was horrible, feminine *eeeeeeee* crying. Nothing butch about it.
2. Everything is temporary.
3. The Sun is rubbish. I only read it for the tits.

4. Why do these rappers boast that they're pimps? It's not something to be proud of.

5. I know a girl in Jordan with hairy boobs.
6. You should really avoid the Wetherspoons pubs in Turnpike Lane.

7. Could you move? Please?

8. Nothing depresses me more that London Fashion Week.
9. Give it a few million years and the insects will take over.
10. Danny looked about fifteen without the beard so i told him to grow it. I'm surprised it's still there.

18th September 2003
1. Well, you know what they say about men with thick necks...
2. I'd like to make an album of just noise and blow everybody's mind.
3. A lot of midgets live around here.

4. Where are you?

5. Au revoir Johnny Cash.
6. Mummy, I don't want a white daddy.

7. Did you see the MTV Awards? Justin thanked everyone who has ever lived!

8. How do japanese people understand each other?
9. Fix your hair. You look like Cherie Blair.
10. Oooh... Martin Bashir is in trouble with uncle Trevor.

11th September 2003
1. Madonna isn't a lesbian. So why is she snogging girls?
2. It's not a transvestite. It's just an ugly woman.
3. We were dabbng ephedrine. It fuckin' rocks.

4. No, she had the other kind of boob job, to make them smaller.

5. Unbreakable = squares and triangles.
6. Eriksson is always measured against some hypothetical, perfect manager - who doesn't actually exist.
7. Safeway isn't as pikey as it used to be.
8. Limp Bizkit is American slang for someone who rims blokes.
9. You and me, we're like Posh and Becks.
10. South Park is still the best thing on telly.

4th September 2003
1. It's time for you to sink or swim. You just want to float.
2. Transport in rural Britain often doesn't work and is just letting people down.
3. Anita Dobson... it's not on.

4. We can walk around Alexandra Park. There are swings and an ice rink.

5. Dress him up like Hitler. That'll show them.
6. Tomorrow? There's no such thing.
7. Pancake Day is a fucking sham!
8. They are learning English, they are learning about American values.
9. Emlyn Hughes will beat that brain tumour. Just like he beat Willie Carson on a Question of Sport.
10. The positivity is at the end of the rope but it's also above and seemingly impossible to reach.

28th August 2003
1. Exoticism counts for nothing.
2. I am not going to sit here talking about three-quarter length trousers.
3. John Drummond...what a prat! Jesus... if you are disqualified, just take it like a man and leave the track.

4. ¡Me cago en la leche!

5. Me and Paul had a few bevvies, a bite to eat, got back home and were both violently ill. I'm never touching food again.
6. Do I look sad and lonely?
7. The foreigners, they steal my manhood.
8. The exterminator got rid of the wasps in my garden but I cant see the dead bodies. There should be bodies.
9. Me am very dangerous.
10. I have a list of new identities I want you to create for me...

21st August 2003
1. Don't bother waiting for ITV to make a decent sitcom. Remember that one with Davina McCall in it? It still frightens me.
2. Money is nothing.
3. If you want to save money start smoking Mayfair instead of Marlboros.

4. Toyah Wilcox as Calamity Jane. No. I can't see it.

5. He fingered her outside Homebase... yeah, the one by Middlesex University.
6. Hoddle won't last the season.
7. You hate me, don't you?
8. I used to get drunk before meeting journalists.
9. Classical dressage is really the most interesting part of horsemanship.
10. Emotions are basically just maths.

14th August 2003
1. Camille Paglia. She's clever, but she knows it. She should just shut up.
2. Hey. No gunk. No junk. Just juice.
3. If we don't get home soon, we're going to miss Quincy.

4. What is this white stuff? Salad dressing?

5. Stop! Enough knickerbocker wisecracks!
6. Yeah, yeah. Whatever. You're still going to end up with a bloody nose.
7. By the way, I got the blood test back. Positive.
8. I was stuck on a Virgin Train to Warrington. The air conditioning was broken and the windows were closed. We baked.
9. Look. A canary. You don't see many of those on the tube.
10. If you're going to act like a whore, I'm going to treat you like a whore.

7th August 2003
1. I have a lot of time for David Pleat.
2. Nah. I wash my hair on a Friday. I've still got 2 days before I need to wash it again.
3. When I was young I was so short that my legs didn't reach the ground.

4. She acts like being a lesbian gives her a special license to be rude to people.

5. Let's hope it rains soon. Lots of wet, wet rain.
6. If we ever move to Southgate, shoot me.
7. That Dominic Mohan was on my tube. He reads all the papers at once. And he has an i-pod. He smells a bit.
8. Be a mensch... you know what a mensch is? A human being.
9. Steve Ovett always looks like he is about to die.
10. I live in a creative vacuum. It's a Dyson.

31st July 2003
1. This love's not a game, you know?
2. Dolly Parton was always better than Elvis.
3. He said that Christian teachers in comprehensive schools need to see themselves as "missionaries in a strange land."

4. Michael? Oh. Bugger.

5. You are no different from the others.
6. This eternal truth is above the logic of force, the concept of environment, or the terminology of society. Go figure.
7. Ben Affleck doesn't even have a face.
8. In the future you will be able to get a plane across London. An airport on each side of the city.
9. She says she need a second operation because one boob ended up bigger than the other.
10. Fame has changed you.

24th July 2003
1. I am composed of thousands of tiny pixels.
2. She crept back in when no-one was looking, and stole all the condoms.
3. I asked for a latte, not warm milk with a splash of coffee.

4. Karen, will you take that out of your mouth?

5. This Big Brother is basically suffering the backlash from the last series, when they were all fame-hungry whores... so now we're saddled with a load of god-botherers.
6. There are loads of commies in London.
7. Don't worry... Robert Fisk will get what's coming to him.
8. Trigonomically speaking, you're an idiot.
9. Twat!
10. Everything Morrissey predicted in the 80s is coming true.

17th July 2003
1. The bus passed this alleyway, and there was a woman with her tits out, feeding her baby.
2. Orlando Bloom....he's ok, but he's nothing special. Just another pretty boy.
3. Soon I go camping in Prague. I hope to practice my English.

4. This is gonna be the summer of ragga.

5. He's got belief in himself and is a mature 20-year-old. He'll score goals at any level.
6. John Travolta could have been in Chicago. He was right to turn it down. It's shit.
7. I never trust milkmen.
8. The doctor said I have to stop smoking while I'm taking the hormones.
9. Lance Armstrong has no bollocks.
10. He's having a mid-life crisis. He's 35 and has decided to become a pop star. He's leaving it late.

10th July 2003
1. What's that big cathedral called?
2. Hush now. You've made your point. Let's not have another argument.
3. Dean Richards' nose fascinates me.

4. She said she only goes for guys with fucked up teeth.

5. I would like to kill everyone. Except you. Obviously.
6. Cecilie showed me this little deli off Upper Street that does the most fabulous chorizo sausage.
7. There is NO room for another music magazine. They're all the same anyway.
8. I picked up 400 Pall Mall in Duty Free. They taste like cardboard.
9. Rufus! No! It's got germs on it.
10. I found him at about 2 am. He was trying to piss into a postbox.

3rd July 2003
1. My life is like a bad Daily Mail headline.
2. 2003 is going to be a big year for Patrick Swayze.
3. Her legs were so hairy. I know she's German, but it was still a shock.

4. I could spend all day looking at Olivia Williams.

5. It was embarassing. Everyone else was wearing a suit and tie, and he was in a tshirt and jeans.
6. Yeah. They're definitely fake. But great to look at.
7. Whenever the train is delayed, they claim it's a suspect package. It's's just a points failure again.
8. That shootout in Green Lanes? Turks and Albanians. Drugs, innit.
9. Billy Zane! What a character.
10. Pamela, you're not going to get him. He's mine.

26th June 2003
1. What language do they speak in Portugal?
2. You can't beat a good, old-fashioned sausage roll.
3. The Appleton sisters are dead classy.

4. Why are all the alkies in London Scottish or Irish?

5. Are you American? You have a strange accent.
6. That's not a dog - it's a rat with delusions of grandeur.
7. Just buy her some flowers and tell her you love her.
8. We were held up at Angel while the guard chased some beggars off the train.
9. Every year they say it could be Henman's year. Wake up! It's never Henman's year.
10. No...It says in Metro that deodorant is bad for you.

19th June 2003
1. Beckham will do well in will be like the crusades. Either he'll convert the heathens or just kill them.
2. Paper, scissors, stone!
3. Excuse have some sleep in your eyes.

4. All I ask for is a kidney-shaped swimming pool in the Californian sun.

5. You have some gum on your face.
6. Go to the the family planning place. They'll give you free jimmy hats..
7. He won't care about your tits. He's a leg man.
8. No, it's a shark!
9. The Jewish Weekly News? Who reads this shit?
10. I have a magic touch.

12th June 2003
1. Madonna raps like Mr Plow.
2. I miss the eternal maternal embrace.
3. Look at that bloke's walkman. No-one has walkman's anymore. Look at him. I hate him.

4. We're on our way to the Face relaunch party.

5. She spiked his drink with Viagra...he couldn't even piss.
6. Daddy, when do we get off? It's very hot.
7. That girl in the leather coat has an Adam's apple.
8. Oh god....Beyonce...I am yours.
9. Every summer they apologise for the tubes being so hot, but they never do anything about it.
10. That was the worst offside decision I have ever seen.

5th June 2003
1. I am a toilet.
2. Gemma - I just don't fancy you. There's no other way of saying it. Sorry.
3. If it ain't Louis Vuitton, what's the point?

4. He's lovely. A dentist...very rich.

5. Check out my bandana.
6. Be careful on the DLR. The have loads of inspectors checking tickets.
7. That plane is on fire.
8. Everyone is a lesbian nowadays.
9. R Kelly is fuckin' nonce.
10. It's the time of year when old men wear sandals. Lots of crushed, splintered toenails.

29th May 2003
1. I know what you went through was terrible, but can't you just be stoic and get on with it.
2. Silvio Berlusconi always gets what he wants.
3. Nous devons descendre ici pour Highbury.

4. Bloody gypsies.

5. She was at the party when an ant fell out of her nose. No-one knows where it came from.
6. Steve? It's you, isn't it? It's me! Debra!
7. He ended up in bed with the skinny girl from customer services.
8. Tense? Nervous headaches? Bulging veins? Probably a heart attack.
9. Shane Ritchie is a nice Harlesden lad.
10. He spent 4 years in a chatroom.

22nd May 2003
1. My arms hurt. My back hurts. My eyes hurt. I feel like an old man.
2. Hasn't Shane Richie done well for himself?
3. I'm more of a Raymond Carver man myself.

4. It was trickling down her leg. She didn't even notice.

5. The Docklands Light Railway is like a mini-rollercoaster.
6. Poor old Celtic.
7. The brain is a funny thing.
8. What's the point? Is there any point at all? Sod it, I'm going home.
9. We are entering a dark, dark tunnel.
10. She swallowed it all.

15th May 2003
1. I don't trust Phil Tufnell. He looks like an evil Stan Laurel.
2. There are no parks.
3. Chancery Lane is closed on a Sunday. Get off at Holborn.

4. Ossie was a real gentleman and that was his reputation. He was a real ambassador for the game.

5. Somerfield is much cheaper.
6. Donita Dunes lives near me.
7. No. I haven't missed you at all.
8. She's suffering from an ear infection.
9. Let's move. Let's just get out of here.
10. No. It's blood.

8th May 2003
1. Sophie Dahl has very large eyes. It looks like someone has nailed boiled eggs to her face.
2. Just when sideburns became fashionable again, he shaved them off.
3. Bingo!

4. Nous allons a Highbury...c'est le match contre Southampon.

5. The Vanilla coke is disgusting.
6. Get off. Now.
7. Are there McDoanlds in heaven?
8. Mum. I need the loo again.
9. The Appletons make me cry.
10. So he slammed the blokes head against the window and threw him of the train.

1st May 2003
1. Picasso used to pay for meals by signing the napkins in restaurants.
2. I think perhaps I will die on the London Underground.
3. Oh, we've had a lovely time. Jamie's spent the morning kicking pigeons.

4. My apple turnover is dry and flaky.

5. I'm sick of men.
6. You are the only one who doesn't make fun of me.
7. I miss Saint Etienne.
8. Tomorrow I get my ears syringed...I know I won't sleep tonight.
9. Thursday is named after Thor, the Norse God of Thunder. I used to read the comic.
10. Beckham's moving to Milan. Trust me.

24th April 2003
1. Oi. You. Fattie.
2. I keep on walking away from cashpoints without my money.
3. She's well fit. Cracking arse.

4. Life is not long enough to know who Fran Cutler is.

5. I was stuck between Kings Cross and Farringdon with a carriage full of German tourists.
6. It was like watching a cat toy with a mouse.
7. Your bourgeoise sensibilities mean nothing to me.
8. Not only is it St George's Day, but it's Shakespeare's birthday. He wrote 37 different types of play.
9. Charlemagne shared the rule of the kingdom with his brother, Carloman.
10. So, anyway, on his deathbed he suggests that I buy the lawnmower off him. I said no.

17th April 2003
1. I hate Dervla Kirwan.
2. As soon as the sun comes out, I start listening to Astrud Gilberto.
3. John. Are you ok? You look very drawn.

4. Ah, my kidneys.

5. I woke up to find a dead bird in the gutter.
6. All of us miss DeForrest Kelly, but he's not coming back.
7. You're not a woman. You're just a cruel caricature of femininity.
8. Jesus's last supper was the Passover meal.
9. Mummy, how many stops are left? I need the toilet.
10. Everything in my life has gone wrong since I gave up drinking.

10th April 2003
1. I love Peter Ebdon.
2. Lately I've been having very erotic dreams about Doug Ellis. It's not very nice.
3. I love it when you cook for me.

4. Is Paddington named after the bear?

5. Osama Bin Laden is like the Tupac Shakur of the terrorist world. He's dead, but they keep re-releasing old statements of his.
6. Billy? Is that short for Billiards?
7. You need more fibre. It keeps you regular.
8. I ended up working in a bar in Torremolinos, and they all took the piss because I could speak Spanish.
9. If Hitler were alive today he'd be writing scripts for Men and Motors.
10. Nearly everyone in America is circumcised.

3rd April 2003
1. April Fool's Day is the day when I want to die.
2. I can't get the taste of sand out of my mouth.
3. Michael Portillo's face seems to be made up of steaks and sausages.

4. Get off at Hammersmoth and walk until you fall over.

5. In 15 years time Wayne Rooney will be a fat alcoholic playing football in China.
6. The Spanish are protesting by banging pots and pans together.
7. Let's put it this way, the photo he sent me could have been him, but it was 10 years old. I wouldn't have recognised him.
8. Die, evil wasp! Die!
9. He was the most famous popstar in Estonia.
10. Gordon, have you ever considered that I might not be gay?

27th March 2003
1. Pharrell Williams has his fingers in an awful lot of pies.
2. That's right...a bit lower.
3. Her young brother is in university now. He's still annoying but at least he's out of the way.

4. No. I'm not pro-war. I just can't muster up the moral outrage and smugness to oppose it.

5. Every time I tell someone my name is Hannah, they tell me that it's a palindrome, as though I didn't already know.
6. We spent the evening making cheesecloth ghosts.
7. Sometimes I wonder if I am entirely fictional.
8. You're so wrong it is laughable.
9. I'm not saying I don't know how to get home. I'm saying I don't know when I'll get home. You guys have cabs in London, no?
10. My cat is called Felix and he absolutely loathes that cat food.

20th March 2003
1. She's burying bodies. Paperboys, men who came to read the meter, Jehovah's Witnesses. She'll kill anyone.
2. Robbie Williams wants to see democracy brought to Iraq. Good for him!
3. We are witnessing the renaissance of Serie A.

4. All I ask is fifteen minutes with Britney and a hacksaw.

5. There's a place near me that does a 'spiritual workshop' once a week.
6. Oh! Your tiny hand is frozen!
7. Monica Lewinsky has been up in America host a new reality dating show. Mind you, she's a bit fat.
8. Where you going? What's going on? Why? Whyy wasn't I told?
9. I am a bit disappointed. I expected more carpet-bombing.
10. Go on. Lend us a fiver.

13th March 2003
1. Every charity shop in London has a copy of 'Jaws' by Peter Benchley.
2. My fingers still smell a bit funny.
3. Make your mother’s day by pampering her with a special gift.

4. Chris Tarrant. Why?

5. We are placing the nation's hopes on Jose Maria Aznar.
6. Martin Scorsese is looking very old nowdays.
7. A Tory government would tackle crime by teaching police officers how to touch type. I don't see how that would help.
8. If you have another baby, I am going to leave you.
9. You're full of crusty secretions.
10. I am very nearly cured of happiness.

6th March 2003
1. Hand-rolled cigarettes never stay lit for very long.
2. You can't go wrong with a bit of Stan Getz.
3. A deadly virus is threatening the red squirrel population of England.

4. I've just been drifting for a while now. It's time for me to fall in love.

5. Phillip. No. Not here. Not now.
6. Let's go home, get drunk and listen to the House of Love.
7. For ages you've been telling yourself you're ok. You are NOT ok.
8. It really is time for a Spice Girls reunion.
9. Oh, if only I could spend all my time playing online poker.
10. I had a dream last night that Eidur Gudjonson was dying of AIDS. It was unpleasant.

27th February 2003
1. Leap years are like salmon, jumping heroically upstream.
2. Just and a few beats and it'll be a sure-fire number one hit.
3. People act like Wilfred Owen was the best WWI poet, but he was just the most popular. He's no Sassoon.

4. ...and so the lobster says: 'that's not even my car!'

5. It's unusually mild for the time of year.
6. If the Government actually listened to people, it would be total chaos.
7. I hope you die.
8. My back hurts.
9. George Lucas was born a nerd and will die a nerd.
10. I'm not a pedant. You're the pedant.

20th February 2003
1. The accursed Siamese flu has struck again.
2. He was a German philologist and philosopher who became well known for his iconoclastic style and aphoristic writings.
3. Her face looks like a typing error.

4. I am sick of weird Spanish exchange students giving me dirty looks.

5. Some people in the third world can't afford DVDs and have to watch VHS videos.
6. He is very shy and hides behind a bluff bravado.
7. I want to kill Zandra Rhodes.
8. Oh my God! I couldn't believe it! Justin Timberlake was there!
9. You are a nice girl, but you're never going to make it as a diagnostic radiologist.
10. Guarana Boost bars have taken over London Underground vending machines.

13th February 2003
1. It's hardly Eriksson's fault. International matches have just become an irrelevance.
2. Toby, you're my friend. I like you. But we will never be lovers.
3. It's so nice to see the RAF flying over London again.

4. A travelcard now costs £4.50. I could buy a car for that.

5. Those triple-decker burgers from Burger King are amazing!
6. Faye Dunaway is set to play the Duchess of Windsor.
7. He's the kind of wacky fool who claims he's a Jedi Knight on the census.
8. Your problems will only be solved by death.
9. I have never liked you.
10. Big-nosed freak!

6th February 2003
1. If you touch me again I am calling your mother.
2. Paolo di Canio is a big fan of Mussolini.
3. Happy Birthday Angela!

4. The older I get, the more I appreciate Gareth Gates.

5. I have always been fascinated by the world of publishing.
6. Those new Lockets adverts are very hardcore. I will not be buying any of them...
7. I accept that modern culture has to be disposable, but some things do seem worth saving.
8. He got very drunk and tried to dance on the piano like he was Snoopy. He's an idiot.
9. If the ticket machine is broken again tomorrow, I am going to start hitting people.
10. That bloke off Frasier used to be in Cheers.

30th January 2003
1. If I bumped into Ken Livingstone, I'd string him up before he could run off.
2. Andre Agassi is a real ambassador for tennis.
3. Cold blows the wind from the North.

4. Christ. Safeways is so depressing.

5. Why does it take a month to fix the Central line?
6. The Welara pony is a cross between the Welsh pony and the Arabian horse.
7. There isn't enough Manga on TV.
8. The water pressure was low all around the area.
9. I have grown to love the fear.
10. I'm sick of helping French People.

23rd January 2003
1. Begone! Accursed Wretch!
2. How can they close the lines between King's Cross and Baker Street every weekend?!?
3. You have the chin of a Welshman.

4. Long live the misfits.

5. He's definitely gay. A mate of mine is in the business.
6. It's a very eclectric fusion of jazz and hip-hop
7. If that woman doesn't stop playing the violin, I am going to hit her.
8. Carmen Electra is still well fit.
9. What's fascinating about the internet is that it has a whole new set of aesthetic criteria
10. I've never trusted him off the telly. Funny beard.

16th January 2003
1. This is exactly the kind of smoking gun that Bush is looking for!
2. Ralph! Ralph! It's me...Jessica.
3. You can stick your DVD-rom up your arse.

4. Oh good. Smarties in a bar!

5. You don't hear much from Apache Indian nowdays.
6. I love those beer adverts with the fat bloke in them.
7. Yes, he went to Gordonstone.
8. Hmmm...there's a lot of transsexuals around here.
9. It's a great place. Every Sunday the curry is half-price.
10. The cabbie kept going on about the birds he's shagged off the internet.

9th January 2003
1. Daddy, can we play a game of brinkmanship?
2. They're nothing more than an AC/DC covers band.
3. De donde eres?

4. We get off at Wood Green, home of Ricin-manufacturing-terrorists.

5. I'm always fond of Larkin and Eliot, but other modern poets...lost on me.
6. My teeth hurt.
7. Lisa Goddard is the worst celebrity I have ever met.
8. No-one survives their adolescence unscathed.
9. Peaches and cream. Oh yesss....
10. He disappeared quicker than Travis.

2nd January 2003
1. It was a crazy seventies night. We were wearing curly wigs and everything!
2. Don't worry. Only the stations with lifts are closed.
3. I would never punish my kids by hitting them. I just make them feel guilty and all twisted up inside.

4. The police must have something better to do.

5. The buzzards are circling overhead.
6. No thank you. I do not want to buy a travelcard.
7. Jemima! Maximillian! Behave yourselves - we're not in Muswell Hill anymore.
8. Terminator was certainly Michael Biehn's greatest moment.
9. It keeps dripping milk on the floor.
10. Was Joe Strummer really that important?

Please note: none of the statements on the page reflect the personal views of themanwhofellasleep. If you send me something you've overheard, I'll try to include it. I may polish up the spelling, but that's it. Contributions to Tube Gossip are copyright Greg Stekelman and permission to reproduce all or part of any contribution must be given by me! If you want to post some quotes on your blog and include a link back to here, fine! If you want to rip off the page and reprint it as though it's your own idea, you're a very silly person.