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2004 tube gossip

30th December 2004
1. I can pause live TV! I am practically a God.

2. Can you get some new razors? They are supposed to be disposable, you know?

3. They were one of those crap bands that sounded like Pearl Jam, even though they came from Berkshire.

4. I like her and she likes me, but it's like the relationship is a seperate entity.

5. They kept going on about the Toon Army and I thought it was rather tasteless, given the news.

6. You're tired. I am tired. We're all tired. Let's call it a day.

7. When I am a spy, I shall call myself Horst Gingold.

8. Another Christmas like that and I am moving to Iraq.

9. I can fit my whole fist inside.

10. You want another Stella?

23rd December 2004
1. You're not as old as you used to be.

2. I can stand the cold... it's the fact that it's dark at 4pm that does my head in.

3. Have you seen Neil Mellor? It's like they've cloned Steven Gerrard.

4. Becca worked in a hospital. She said she saw stuff there that put her off being a lesbian for life.

5. I do not understand why English people like pantomime. To me, it is just... stupid.

6. The parents and teachers were all singing one song, and little Nathan was singing another song, at the top of his voice.

7. Honestly, for the first half an hour I thought she was a transvestite.

8. Bob Monkhouse was ok. I can even stomach Des O'Connor... but Bruce Forsyth just makes my skin crawl.

9. I'm dreaming of a shite Christmas.

10. That bloke from Little Britain was in a club in Camden last week. Not the fat, bald one. The other one.

16th December 2004
1. Lisa's cousin let one off in my face and it burnt my face.

2. He plays beginners. Ninety percent of them he beats with Scholar's Mate in 10 moves.

3. Can you repeat that? I never get tired of hearing it.

4. You tie the goat to the van, and then you drive the van very slowly uphill.

5. I got chocolate money, but it was Euros.... I felt very modern.

6. I've felt quite low since Derrida died... there doesn't seem much point in anything.

7. Shane McGowan and Alex Higgins are slowly becoming the same person.

8. You've got something on your chin. I think it's garlic sauce.

9. I took paracetamol. Then aspirin. Then ibuprofen. But I feel worse than ever.

10. She has really musty curtains.

9th December 2004
1. They have the same anti-smoking slogans on the packs in Europe too. We can't escape it.

2. He's weird. At Halloween he dressed up as the Littlest Hobo.

3. You're kidding? There's no way he's going to marry her. She's been engaged about eight times.

4. I couldn't give a flying fuck about celebrity butlers.

5. He went to casualty, yeah? With a bad nosebleed? From drinking? I don't think so.

6. It's a good game. You get to shoot innocent bystanders.

7. When Jenny had a bad haircut, she wouldn't leave the house for a week.

8. I have a splitting headache and when I close my eyes I can see Lee from Blue.

9. How they gonna have the Olympics here if they can't even get a train to run on time?

10. He spent an hour explaining why Apocalypse Now was so important. I'd rather have just watched the film.

2nd December 2004
1. Rebrov's gone from the Champions League to the bench at West Ham. That's the Spurs effect.

2. I can't feel my hands.

3. It's Hollywood Green. Do you get it? Like Hollywood... and Wood Green.

4. Have you made sure that Chrissy can't find the medicine bottle?

5. It wasn't a wasp. It was a hornet. It's quite different.

6. Adam Green? He's basically Jonathan Richman, isn't he?

7. I... really... don't want to die underground.

8. You spend all day stuffing envelopes for refugees. It's not a great job.

9. David Blunkett's lost a bit of weight. He actually looks pretty good if you ignore his eyes.

10. There's nothing wrong with buying from H&M as long as you throw in some glamourous bits from other shops.

25th November 2004
1. I have to take control of my life. No-one else can do it for me.

2. None of them are celebrities. They are just idiots. I hate them.

3. Go to Tottenham Hale. From there you can get the Stansted Express.

4. That Ice Cube song is really old. Why is it suddenly a big hit?

5. I always lose socks and slippers. It doesn't matter how many I buy... they all disappear.

6. Charlotte Roche is a babe. And she knows her music.

7. Don't wear a baseball cap. You'll look like one of those dads who tries to be cool. Or a Tory MP.

8. It's a cheesecake, but it has strawberries or cherries on top. It's lush.

9. I know it's silly, but Cheryl Tweedy and Ashley Cole are a pretty sexy couple.

10. A face like yours doesn't deserve bruises.

18th November 2004
1. I can't think of anything greater than Patrick McGoohan's face.

2. Thankfully there's no level crossings on the tube.

3. Why not try taking the pill with your food, instead of afterwards? It worked for me.

4. I was actually born in Harpenden. But I got out of there pretty fast.

5. I've spent so many years being other people - I have forgotten how to be myself.

6. I'll tell you something... she's not quite as nice as everyone seems to think.

7. He was pretending to play with the phone, but he was obviously trying to photograph me.

8. Everything had that Patrick Caulfield pop art feel to it.

9. Go to sleep. I'll wake you when it's time to get off.

10. What the hell was Ledley King thinking?

11th November 2004
1. Two sausage, chips, beans, egg, mushrooms and a cup of tea. Fantastic.

2. I have no distractions anymore.

3. This body is just my passport in the mortal realm. It is not me.

4. Apparently, all the koalas in Australia have chlamydia.

5. My handwriting is awful; too much time on computers, I guess.

6. Yeah, sure... he's a musical icon, but is he actually any good?

7. Mmmm... she had the softest lips.

8. You're wrong. It's not great tragedy that kills us, it's everyday life.

9. It's all subs and doms and pigs and stuff.

10. There's a melody in there somewhere but I can't put my finger on it.

4th November 2004
1. Someone in a room near me was either crying or having sex with no rhythm.

2. I saw a poster for a missing cat called Oscar. They are offering £300 for his return.

3. Nah... we only drink in the evenings. It's not a problem.

4. You didn't realise? It's obvious. Aslan is Jesus backwards.

5. They showed this girl on crack. She was 25 but looked about 50.

6. I will not let a woman cut my hair.

7. It's gonna be tough for the Reds. Alonso is out. Gerrard is out. Cisse is out.

8. No one is going to vote for Kerry. Have you seen the size of his chin?!?

9. Tell her what you want. That girl believes anything.

10. She has an acidic vagina.
28th October 2004
1. God is just birdseed.

2. You and me, we're not going anywhere, are we?

3. Sometimes I just want to shake her. To make her listen.

4. Meet you by Sock Shop, ok?

5. Horace is my narcoleptic teddybear.

6. In the past, Britain was full of white people. Now it's full of foreigners.

7. I am going to miss John Peel. He was great. He was great.

8. Nothing you say matters to me.

9. If you go to the newsagent, could you get me some Refreshers?

10. I don't have enough money to throw coins at people.

21st October 2004
1. Everyone I know is a bunch of cunts.

2. I once met Lloyd Cole. He had grown a beard and looked like Gary Bushell.

3. My God... there is nowhere in London you can get decent falafel.

4. I'm ripping down that poster. I fucking hate socialists.

5. We get up. We eat breakfast. We vomit. We go back to bed.

6. When the all planet are in alignment, the dark age will be ushered in, and the Spice Girls will reform.

7. That Bigley bloke went to Iraq to make money, despite being advised not to. So I don't have much sympathy.

8. You're really good at pool. For a girl, I mean.

9. I don't want Hotmail on my mobile phone.

10. That Manics single... that's the worst thing I've heard all year.

14th October 2004
1. She'd eat the apple if it was Louis Vuitton or Versace.

2. I will never get married. My mother is a social hand grenade.

3. Everything I do depends on me getting a good night's sleep.

4. Nostalgia isn't enough.

5. She wants to be a life coach, but she's got such a screwed up life. Who'd listen to her?

6. It's a story within a story within a story. Like a Russian doll.

7. The problem with that place is everyone is too bloody English.

8. We went into that posh bar and had a raspberry beer. We were the only people there.

9. I can't believe the fuss they make over a woman wanking off a pig.

10. He's kind sexy in a fucked up way, like Rupert Grint.

7th October 2004
1. All the windows are made out of frosted glass. It gave me a headache.

2. She's not quite ginger. She's got bits of blonde in there too.

3. We can get off soon. It's a sunny day, we may as well walk.

4. It's licorice, but instead of sugar, it's covered in salt.

5. Sharks are blind.

6. The debates are meaningless... everyone has already made up their minds.

7. I don't know what was on that pizza, but it's not chicken.

8. He only got the job because his name is Bana, like the Hulk.

9. This Turkish bloke kept on telling me that he was related to me, that we were brothers.

10. I am just tired all the time. I could fall asleep right now.

30th September 2004
1. I am NOT drunk. It's just hard to walk in these heels.

2. She told this joke about Little Bo Peep and he was like... that's not a joke, it's just a stupid rhyme.

3. If you look at Richard Attenborough in Brighton Rock... he's like a baked bean.

4. Sometimes I close my eyes and just pretend that I am dead.

5. It was that point in the evening where he got out the acoustic guitar.

6. Horrible. I stepped on a slug before at it burst.

7. For cabbies, the weekend is sacrosanct. It's when they make their money.

8. He was talking about Peter Kay but I kept thinking of Gordon Kaye from Allo' Allo'.

9. I swear it was that bloke off the Bill with the sideburns.

10. It's not an infection. It's an allergy.

23rd September 2004
1. I'll buy anything if it has a free CD on it.

2. It's not like I said "Hello, you're fat, please sit in my seat and hog all the room," did I?

3. Are you coming to Shanice's? It will be fun. Please come.

4. He only shops at H&M. Everything he owns is beige or khaki.

5. French? Italian? I speak Italian.

6. Why do all pedos have lank hair and beards? You'd think they'd try to look normal.

7. I swear, she is an absolute fucking freak. Avoid.

8. He REALLY looks like Pete Steele from Type O Negative.

9. It's not a proper shed. It's more like a big Wendy house.

10. Apparently, Derrida is hung like a donkey.

16th September 2004
1. I just feel disgusting. You shouldn't shit on your own doorstep.

2. Ben Stiller has a moustache. That's it. That is the whole comedy basis of the film.

3. Ha! It's not as if he enjoys getting spanked, is it?

4. You love chavs.

5. We went to La Porchetta. The one on Upper Street... they have these shirts stuck in wax on the wall.

6. I just get sick of people who believe everything they read. They don't have opinions of their own.

7. That capuccino was tiny. They should have given you two.

8. You getting off here? Stay... we can get a chinese. If you want. I don't mind. It's up to you.

9. I don't know. They all look very aryan.

10. I can feel this... interference in my head. Like mental snow. I can't think until it clears.

9th September 2004
1. Walkers have started doing Feta Cheese flavoured crisps. How very Hampstead.
2. As I've said before... anytime you want to leave the house, just phone me.

3. I feel terrible. I have to stop smoking. And drinking. And having sex.

4. It's a nice place. There's no swings but there's a big slide and some metal horses.

5. Who is that girl? She's like... twelve... and she's singing about relationships.

6. What you're doing is talking out of your arse.

7. Clive Owen is King Arthur. And Sid Owen is Lancelot.

8. Did the driver say something about Green Park? I can't hear a thing.

9. It's not an Indian summer. It's a typically rubbish English summer.

10. Where's Heskey now, eh?

2nd September 2004
1. You can’t get married in old socks and pants. Buy some new ones.
2. I couldn’t believe no-one in the building had a Nokia charger.

3. He looked like he was about to cry when I saw it on the news.

4. It’s not a white Kit Kat, it’s a lemon Kit Kat.

5. But I love photocopiers.

6. What is the post in Kazakhstan like?

7. There’s nothing worse than those white Ipod headphones

8. I just flicked a cup holder at Sara.

9. She has that Japanese print of a wave… it’s got to be the most popular poster ever.

10. What’s in a pork pie apart from pork and gristle?

26th August 2004
1. Spurs will win the league soon. I am not fucking around. I mean it.
2. He has this massive ashtray that's like an Aladdin's lamp.

3. I saw Frank and Laura. I was on the top deck of the bus and they couldn't see me.

4. Wanking horses?

5. It's got that "dang-a-nanga" guitar sound.

6. He's short and French. But otherwise unremarkable.

7. All the papers were acting like someone had died. It's just a race.

8. It's a litre of beer... It's definitely more than a pint.

9. I could list a hundred reasons why Walter Mosley is better than James Ellroy.

10. Your cellar smells of death.

19th August 2004
1. I'll eat eat peppers and green peppers, but not the yellow ones. They taste like dirt.
2. They try to make out that Michael Moore lives in a giant palace on the moon.

3. He has a weird face.

4. Amy Winehouse is cool... because she has a big mouth and she knows it.

5. It was amazing. Everyone there was a model or an actress.

6. No. It's classy. It's Von Dutch.

7. You doing anything this weekend? I'd be up for Soho.

8. Nah... it's strictly for guys who can't get a girlfriend.

9. He's my favourite director, but he hasn't done anything good since Fight Club.

10. I've been coughing like that all week.

12th August 2004
1. Shadow puppetry really has nothing to do with mainstream puppeteering.
2. I was walking up from Ally Pally and I saw the hugest rat.

3. Natasha Bedingfield is just Daniel Bedingfield with a wig. It's like Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson. They're the same person.

4. She has thighs... like muesli.

5. Andreas has a moustache now. He's becoming his dad.

6. He's like an arthouse director, but it's all basically porno stuff.

7. I could have loved Danny Murphy, but it wasn't to be.

8. Thank god for the rain. I was going crazy in that heat.

9. Is that a plum?
10. People are beginning to wake up to the fact that London's a rip off.

5th August 2004
1. I had to explain that gazpacho was any cold soup, not just cold tomato soup.
2. The civil service is full of reformed goths and indie kids.

3. Are you joking? Because it's not funny.

4. There were all these questions about mobile phone etiquette. Who cares?

5. Abigail was wearing some kind of Dutch smock.

6. I bumped into her on the way to that Tamara de Lempicka show.

7. She has this gallery... and it's all pictures of her... with various religious celebrities.

8. I love that new picture of Britney. It makes her look so much more human.

9. They were playing ragga and jungle in the garden at 3am. Bloody wankers.
10. It's sad when people have multiple abortions.

29th July 2004
1. Oh yes, it was a lovely exhibition. She does wonderful flowers made of varnish.
2. If you're a poet, you're basically unemployed, aren't you?

3. I'll put it this way, everyone in hip hop knows what Dre and P Diddy are like...

4. The first bee sting doesn't kill you. It's the second sting that triggers the anaphalactyc shock.

5. It takes a team of 200 elves 14 years to fix the escalators.

6. It's jasmine... no... wait... it's sandalwood.

7. Yes I know him... he's about to marry my sister!

8. Winston. Clive. Leonard. Phillip. Leslie. No.

9. I wouldn't say my life is dull. Just drab.
10. You know what it's like... it's pre-season. It doesn't mean a thing.

22nd July 2004
1. It's a courtroom drama about a man whose cock has been cut off.
2. I haven't even heard Keane and I know it's going to be shit whiny Radiohead stuff.

3. When the dog explodes... I swear... it's the funniest thing you'll ever see.

4. Eminem looks like he's got AIDS.

5. I'm sure you will look lovely anyway.

6. They all turned her down, but if it had been in private, they'd have all said yes. I am telling you.

7. It's 18 quid. My beautician and I have an arrangement.

8. There's no point continuing. You can guess why!

9. Finsbury Park? What's a Finsberry?
10. There are loads of those flying ants all round London.

15th July 2004
1. She left the baby crying on the back seat of the car.
2. The tomfoolery is over!

3. They are making a mistake. Crespo is better than Drogba. He just needs a regular start.

4. An acorn is not a proper nut.

5. He's a freak. And he doesn't even know it.

6. You can't take part in an foxhunt and then complain afterwards that you didn't really want to do it.

7. Telford smells really bad.

8. Matt really looks like a bloke I knew in Leeds.... his name was Hodgeson... I can't remember his first name.

9. She was going on about being a barrier between the west and crypto-fascism.
10. I have no fear of flying but I am scared of crashing.

8th July 2004
1. It's not Baileys. It's a smooth Irish cream liqueur. But it isn't Baileys.
2. Mariella Frostrup is really thick. She thinks having a foreign name makes her clever.

3. No trains. A points failure at Moorgate.

4. I have no fucking interest in how some fucking journalist conquered her alcoholism and made an article out of it.

5. Dr Who was not Welsh. He came from Gallifrey.

6. It's a kind of terracota colour. It's almost pink but not quite. It's like rust.

7. The delays aren't because of the rain, but they use the rain as an excuse anyway.

8. My kids all know everything about Bowie and Bolan etc. I would die of shame if they couldn't sing along to the Pistols.

9. I don't know what was in that curry but my stomach is all over the place today.
10. Imagine Primal Scream, but as a Japanese boyband... that's how they sound.

1st July 2004
1. Alan Hansen starts evey sentence with... "if you're looking for"
2. I swear she had cum on her face.

3. Every single bloody advert is about football... it drives me mad.

4. Nah man... he's not a secret agent... he works in Dixons!

5. The best HMV store is on Piccadilly in Manchester.

6. Wicked wicked wickedest.

7. There's a birds nest in my boiler.

8. Show me what you're made of.

9. Just because you think about him all the time, doesn't mean he cares about you.
10. He's not a great singer. He just whines.

24th June 2004
1. It looks like there are loads of black seeds below the flowers, but they're actually hundreds of little ants.
2. I can't sleep. I can't dream. I just lie there.

3. Toto was the dog. Dorothy was the girl.

4. I'm in the mood for spiritual ascension.

5. You have to look at Dickens within the social context or he appears horribly prejudiced.

6. Dad, can you read me what it says in the paper?

7. That Beastie Boys album is good. They sound less white than they used to.

8. Houses with nice views are depressing because they make you think about life too much.

9. They have Pole Idol in that place. It's like Pop Idol but for pole dancers.
10. He has headlice... but not on his head.

17th June 2004
1. And now she's getting married. Isn't that ironic?
2. The guy in Belgium I'm working with has tried everything not to pay me.

3. I've ordered enough free samples to do the whole bathroom.

4. It's not the full spectrum of ideas, but it's at least red to indigo.

5. Can anyone think of a good name for a cult?

6. Michaela is pregnant again. I can't remember a time when she hasn't been pregnant.

7. This weather is great. I put my laptop in the garden and do everything from there.

8. I swear... he has the hugest balls you'll ever see.

9. Gerrard, Heskey, Beckham and James... they all need shooting. Bastards.
10. It's those dismal NHS homes. So depressing.

10th June 2004
1. People keep saying that it's not the heat... it's the humidity. But it clearly IS the heat.
2. Why would you need a spoon when you already have a fork?

3. Shitting hell.

4. I use the old 'yoghurt pots and string' routine. Untraceable.

5. Kim Wilde is a great gardener.

6. I left it on my car's backseat after spending £30 on it at Greenwich Market. The fucker melted in the heat.

7. Can you imagine a life without shoes?

8. He's gonna like this job - there's basically no client contact.

9. I would sooner chop off my bollocks than vote for George Galloway.
10. What? No. I can't hear you. I am not listening.

03rd June 2004
1. He has a mobile phone made of stone.
2. If you want to avoid Big Brother you're going to have to live in a bomb shelter for two months.

3. When people say "interesting" they actually mean "boring".

4. At the beginning of every season I am optimistic. And then in the first game we lose ot Birmingham or someone.

5. It was the smallest bit of cod I've ever seen.

6. You're not ugly, you just have a funny bone structure.

7. I always forget to renew the prescription. I suppose that's part of the problem.

8. Ugghh... phlegm.

9. This Mourinho guy is a bit cocky... I like it.
10. George Harrison's son... he needs a haircut.

27th May 2004
1. What happened with Ron Atkinson? I was on holiday and missed it all.
2. I swear, I've lived in London my whole life and I've never heard of Dollis Hill.

3. Seriously, I am never waxing again.

4. She said she wanted a facial. I said I'd give her one... she didn't think it was funny.

5. I had a keyboard that played a Billy Joel song when you switched it on.

6. David Beckham wears white socks. Fuck me.

7. A pony is a cross between a horse and a deer.

8. You're not the weirdest person I know. I know Alan.

9. Does anyone actually use Wellman capsules?
10. I am the freestyle Freecell champion of the world.

20th May 2004
1. All the good things in my life are bad.
2. The industrial burgers have a lot of bread in them.

3. It's this book that explains how Mary wasn't Jesus's mum, she was his girlfriend and the Holy Grail is really the Messiah.

4. A Tasmanian estate agent is marrying the crown prince of Sweden - or is it Denmark?

5. Wow. You've really caught the sun.

6. Before he was gay, Elton John asked my mum to have sex with him.

7. Diagnosis Murder? Diagnosis fucking rubbish, more like.

8. Rosh Hashanah is a better festival than Glastonbury.

9. She’s really cool but for some reason she always smells of ham.
10. If only he was part of your gang, eh?

13th May 2004
1. In my brain there is a prostitute on every street corner
2. They aren't rats, they are just very dirty mice.

3. Stop that! It tickles!

4. A3 is twice as big as A4... the smaller the number, the bigger the paper.

5. There's nothing more crap than wanking on a webcam.

6. Dan was on Blockbusters about ten years ago. He doesn't exactly advertise it.

7. I hate travelling on the tube with a suitcase.

8. You know about Shania Twain and the wooden leg? I thought it was only me and my mates.

9. Her new bloke is called Lawrence or Horatio or something.
10. I don't understand all the fuss about Orlando Bloom. He's plain and always has a shit haircut.

6th May 2004
1. The 20 year runner has gagged himself.
2. He has the flattest head of anyone I know.

3. There's an Arsenal in Argentina, an Everton in Chile and a Liverpool in Uruguay.

4. Are you sure you're meant to stick it up your arse?

5. Believe me.... no-one does smalltalk better than me.

6. Uma Thurman always looks like she's been punched in the face.

7. I never know what they mean by 'smart casual'.

8. It was the first time I've ever had a kebab sober... it wasn't nice.

9. There were these three guys calling each other niggers, but they were all white.
10. How the hell did that baked bean bloke get to the snooker finals?

29th April 2004
1. We got a bottle of vodka and watched eight hours of Gilmore Girls.
2. There's nothing you can tell me to explain any of it.

3. Condaleeza Rice is a total MILF.

4. I spend all my time trying to neutralize the threat of women, and then I just get bored.

5. Fishing doesn't count as a sport.

6. Brenda is convinced he's still alive.

7. I think that it's time for us to go our seperate ways.

8. The Velvet Undergound are like... Kenco... and the Strokes and Mellow Birds.

9. Everyone is so gay.
10. There's nothing morally wrong about eating horsemeat.


22nd April 2004
1. Of course he's nice. All married men are nice.
2. Can I use this ticket on a bus?

3. How can it be a guarantee if they charge you to fix it?

4. The Marathon seems to take place about every 3 months.

5. It's like you get into London and the first thing you see are crackheads.

6. There's fit, unfit and then there's me.

7. I happen to like dandruff.

8. His trousers finished about a foot above his shoes. He had very smooth legs.

9. She gave him a shiner in KFC.
10. Anyway, so he explained how we always live in the moment and how time is an illusion.

15th April 2004
1. Are you sure this is chicken?
2. Your headphones do make you look like a bit of a wanker.

3. Piss is good for you.

4. Jeremy is the nicest bloke you could meet, but he is a bit posh.

5. No...I never read Tintin. I was an Asterix boy.

6. I've got that Phil Collins song stuck in my head now.

7. Go on, then. Do it.

8. She kept going on about how photography wasn't art.

9. I kicked his fucking head in.
10. Denim is old news. Who wants to look like a member of B*witched?

8th April 2004
1. Steven Gerrard has the lowest hairline... it's like his hair actually begins with his eyebrows.
2. If you blow yourself up, you're probably not a very reasonable person.

3. No. I wasn't saying you smell bad. It's musk. It's manly.

4. There's no way that Wolverine could kill the Hulk.

5. I can't believe all this shit about Beckham. In fact, I refuse to believe it. It's horrible.

6. A Cadillac is the coolest car ever.

7. What station is this?

8. I am dead.

9. You won't catch me riding a cock.
10. He sweats so much! It's like he's taken a shower.

1st April 2004
1. I can't stand orange juice that has bits in it.
2. I've seen a lot of young men wearing cowboy hats and I don't think it's a good thing.

3. My dad always says - and he's right - that football management is the only profession where failure is consistenly rewarded.

4. You've never even been skiing. How do you know your legs would twist?

5. I don't want a fingermouse.

6. Venezuela isn't a country, is it?

7. Fair maiden, may I offer you a crisp.

8. If you're certain it's him then you should call the police. It's out of order.

9. Can you smell gas?
10. I bet they show that clip of people harvesting spaghetti. They show it every year.

25th March 2004
1. It's ridiculous. It's freezing cold and he refuses to wear a long-sleeved shirt.
2. Your hair smells like bananas.

3. I would like to shoot Mel Gibson's dad and then deny it ever happened.

4. Jason and Phillip are also looking to adopt... I think it's really sweet.

5. He makes out like he's the top dog, but he's just a bullshitter. A real wanker.

6. I heard he cried at his wedding. Can you believe that?

7. Bob Hope used to beat his wife and kids, i swear.

8. Don't be daft - my parents like you. You can't expect them to understand everything you do, they are old.

9. Can they still add letters to the alphabet?
10. I don't understand. Do we get off here or not?

18th March 2004
1. Georgio Versace? What is that? Cheap shit.
2. Van Bommel is on his way to Spurs.
3. Let's forget about kids and just enjoy ourselves.

4. Who cares about Rachel Hunter and Penny Lancaster... no one gives a fuck about Rod Stewart's sex life.

5. I actually had the best hoummous I've ever tasted in Tangiers.

6. Jimmy White... it's hardly a surprise, is it?

7. You see all these idiots in New York Yankee baseball caps. I don't get it. You don't see guys in the Bronx wearing West Ham hats.

8. Guantanamo Bay... it's like a place from Home and Away.

9. Nature makes mistakes. I don't.
10. Whitney Houston is just white trash... except she's black, I suppose.

11th March 2004
1. I smoke cigarettes because I like them, not so that I can get criticised by you every ten minutes.
2. Lemar looks really weird in that poster. It looks like he's wearing a bra.
3. Sara has scratched all across her back.

4. He has tried not to show too much emotion - he just wants a normal life now.

5. You are not the first person to tell me that, you know.

6. Why do they have mosaics of hot air balloons at Finsbury Park station?

7. Suddenly Greg Rusedski is British again.

8. I am dead.

9. Milena is moving down south of the river with her new bloke.
10. Behave yourself Charlene... I have magic powers. I can make little girls disappear.

4th March 2004
1. Swiss people try really hard to be interesting, but they aren't.
2. Orange kitkats are back!
3. There's nothing more beautiful that that smell after it's been raining.

4. I am forever crying Linux tears.

5. Wolverine is really short, but the actor bloke was tall, so they had to make everything else bigger to make him look small.

6. I saw this pregnant woman sunbathing topless on holiday. Her nipples looked like Wagon Wheels.

7. Dev went hunting - he wore barbour and everything. I'd have paid good money to see that.

8. You're not wrong. In fact, you are wrong. Sorry.

9. She sits at home and only listens to Blossom Dearie.
10. Everyone nowadays is a pervert. What happened to old-fashioned boring sex?

26th February 2004
1. She undresses in front of the window. But it's not sexy, she really mings.
2. There is no way Richard is going to be there another year. It is not going to happen.
3. Gary Docherty couldn't get into a pub team.

4. Brocolli is a most underrated vegetable.

5. I don't think we should see each other after the wedding; it's still too painful.

6. All the blokes were really into Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter... full-grown men... it was sick.

7. Toby is in another shit indie band, doing the toilets of Camden and shagging fat birds.

8. I would describe you as... sleek and well bonded.

9. He's a fucking cheesehead.
10. That bloke from Friends is really fat.

19th February 2004
1. I've got a spot on the back of my head that is killing me.
2. Nah mate... there's no room. Seriously, it's not personal... we just don't have the space.
3. I didn't understand that film. Nothing happens. They just sit around in Japan talking to each other. It wasn't even funny.

4. Will Young is gay.

5. He's my friend, not your friend. He's also David's friend, although David doesn't really like him.

6. Miss Owuso said that I was the best in the class.

7. She waited all day for the programme, and then in the end they got her name totally wrong.

8. A lot of people mistake Palmer's Green for Tuscany.

9. Fuck it! Now I've got garlic sauce on my lap.
10. All she did all day was talk about herself. She didn't ask me a single question.

12th February 2004
1. The sooner we get out of Loftus Road, the better.
2. I love Aquarians - they are so ruthlessly cool and aloof.
3. Dear Jim, please could you fix it for me not to be on a tube train stuck in between stations.

4. You shouldn't have mentioned his nasal hair.

5. Yeah, apparently I am institutionally racist.

6. I hate the muppets. I always thought Sesame Street was far superior.

7. Oooh.... my nipples are hard.

8. I played the lottery for the first time yesterday and won. I put down twenty quid and won a tenner.

9. Bobbie Gillespie is the nastiest streak of piss I've ever met.
10. It's like Heat magazine for mentally retarded blokes. I like it.

5th February 2004
1. Let's have an inquiry, shall we?
2. I said I liked having fun... that doesn't mean I just drink Bacardi Breezers and get my tits out all the time.
3. Nobody believed her about Gareth Gates either.

4. My son earns more fucking money than I do.

5. God, are you there? I'm underground.

6. We lost 4-3? Are you kidding? They were down to ten men and we were 3-0 up? I hate everything. Football is so shit.

7. All these bands, they just recycle old Stooges songs... whats the point...

8. Is that fairy Michael Winner?
9. With an Ipod, you can listen to songs ten times faster than normal. You can listen 75 songs in an hour.
10. What? There's a train station called Popular?

29th January 2004
1. I think it's best you stop talking now.
2. One snowflake and London grinds to a halt.
3. A suit jacket, a woolie scarf and a canvas bag... very trendy.

4. Nah, he's ok. He's alright. He's a bit of a geezer, but his heart's in the right place.

5. Of course I like Chili sauce... I'm Indian. I grew up on it.

6. I'm waiting for a train to take me to Edgeware.

7. I've never seen a fatter goalie than Kevin Pressman.

8. She says she's bisexual, but she's just being trendy.
9. Chris will be along when the pubs close.
10. You're quite the intellectual, aren't you?

22nd January 2004
1. If you toss a coin, it's twice as likely to come up tails than heads.
2. Ever since the diet she smells really bad.
3. He's not homeless, he's just scruffy.

4. You can't just walk into someone's house and take their computer! You have to ask!

5. Apparently the Oyster cards can charge you four quid, even if you're only going two stops.

6. Johnnie Rotten has already won it, hasn't he? The others don't have to bother turning up...

7. He's a gay superhero. His alter-ego is Clark Bent.

8. You're so wrong it's untrue... Opeth suck.
9. The District Line is closed. Again.
10. Oh Sofia, don't worry. Tomorrow is Wednesday and after that it's only two more days to the weekend.

15th January 2004
1. The sky never did fall on Chicken Licken's head.
2. If Kilroy had accused the West of being intrinsically violent, depraved and anti-women, no one would have been bothered.
3. Every time I have sex I get the flu.

4. You're prettier when you don't chew with your mouth open.

5. When travelcards go above five quid, there will be rioting in the streets.

6. What is it with Indian kids? I know a 12-year-old who already has a full moustache.

7. He never listens, does he?

8. Hey, why you not give up your seat, idiot? Family wants to sit here.
9. He wasn't hung - he was hanged.
10. Hold me tighter. It's cold.

8th January 2004
1. She wanted button mushrooms, so I just cut the stalks off.
2. You can never have too many hats.
3. He walked to work from Fulham... about 3 hours in the rain... it stopped raining when he got there.

4. That's Chas. From Chas 'n' Dave.

5. You're going bald, aren't you?

6. Rio is guilty as fuck. I don't know why everyone assumes he's innocent. He's well dodgy.

7. I've been enjoying some strange Night Nurse-inspired dreams.

8. Jordan's got no class. She's no Linsey Dawn Mckensie.
9. Can we lock the kids in the basement and do a runner?
10. It's strange... the poorer the area, the longer the queue at the cashpoint.

1st January 2004
1. There's nothing in life that I can't solve with a screwdriver.
2. Jenny is back with her boyfriend. It's over.
3. No way are Spurs going down.

4. You look like Swamp Thing.

5. Ring out the old. Ring in the new. Ring-a-ding-ding.

6. I only had one bottle of wine, but I was fucked. I was puking out my nose.

7. Close your eyes and pretend you're somewhere else.

8. Where's the drugs? Where's the drugs? Where's the drugs?
9. It's just another year. No big deal.
10. I can't believe Natalie Imbruglia is getting married. I'm gutted.

Please note: none of the statements on the page reflect the personal views of themanwhofellasleep. If you send me something you've overheard, I'll try to include it. I may polish up the spelling, but that's it. Contributions to Tube Gossip are copyright Greg Stekelman and permission to reproduce all or part of any contribution must be given by me! If you want to post some quotes on your blog and include a link back to here, fine! If you want to rip off the page and reprint it as though it's your own idea, you're a very silly person.