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2005 tube gossip

29th December 2005
1. She had scrambled eggs and fritters for breakfast. Eurrghhh!

2. There's this website for playing pool, but it's all hormonal American teenagers complaining that they're bored.

3. Has the fat bird rang you yet?

4. It's a restaurant but they also play jazz. Like jazz. Like live jazz.

5. What's a rumpus room?

6. It wasn't a Charlie Brown Christmas. It was.... a Charles Manson Christmas.

7. I can't tell you what I want to tell you. It's my secret.

8. Don't turn round. Antonio Banderas is behind you.

9. Oh. Gubbins.

10. If he was American, they'd have put Peter Crouch on steroids and he'd be really beefy.

22nd December 2005
1. It's not that Essien has done three bad fouls, it's that he's done three bad fouls in the space of a month.

2. King Kong! Three hours! Bloody long!

3. She said she's going to mum's for Christmas and dad's for Boxing Day.

4. Is that Charlotte Church? Why is she dressed like that?

5. I am going to have to confiscate your shoelaces in case you try to hang yourself.

6. I still need to buy something for Freddie and Araminta.

7. The trains from Harlow have been shit this week. Unofficial strike or something.

8. Why should I tip the bin men? They don't tip me for leaving the rubbish out every week.

9. I'm more of a minesweeper man myself.

10. You're a gynocologist? Hasn't it put you off vaginas?

15th December 2005
1. There's no place in Christmas for singing foetuses.

2. I know I shouldn't have said anything, but I was drunk.

3. They've removed a heater to make room for extra toilets, but one heater isn't enough for a whole carriage.

4. You do realise that "pensieve" is an anagram of "Pevensie"?

5. I can't stand Jonathan Ross. All he does is talk over the guests and make crap in-jokes.

6. You need a new look... I was thinking maybe classic Nike Air.

7. There's a very simple rule: if someone earns more than me, they aren't allowed to go on strike.

8. Terrorists don't scare me. Signal failures scare me.

9. Do you know Woodhouse college? I studied there... many years ago.

10. Dennis Nilsen lived around here. He wasn't a very nice man.

8th December 2005
1. Money can't buy me gloves.

2. Boris Johnson doesn't look very Turkish.

3. Your rucksack is full of string. Did you have a knitting festival in there?

4. Do nuts give you wind? I ate loads of cashews before and now I can sit down properly.

5. I bought an Ipod so I don't have to listen to buskers.

6. You know all those white boxes at the Tate Modern? We started a rumour there was a golden ticket in one of them.

7. My neighbour had his scooter nicked. Chavs. It has to be the local chavs.

8. Martin Jol has a brother called Cock.

9. Have you ever had the meatballs from Ikea? They're lush.

10. How about a reality show where contestants are tricked into thinking they're making an interesting, relevant programme?

1st December 2005
1. Don't say "maybe". When you say "maybe" it means you're going to cancel.

2. The Passion of the Christ is one of the few Mel Gibson films where the villains aren't English.

3. Want a mint?

4. It's not about megapixels, it's about the quality of the lens.

5. What? Do I have a sticker on my head saying "Don't reply to my emails"?

6. I've never been to the Boogaloo... sounds like the second version of the Good Mixer.

7. Why is the paint never the same colour as on the tin?

8. Don't mind me. Pretend I'm not here.

9. It wasn't a nightmare. It just wasn't a very nice dream.

10. Suddenly the newsagents are full of orange multi-vitamin drinks.

24th November 2005
1. Who was better? Muhammed Ali or Cassius Clay?

2. Are you ready for a new kind of salad? A salad made entirely of beef.

3. Don't Cha wish your girlfriend could cook and clean like me?

4. When you get back from holiday, the first thing you notice is how dirty the tube is.

5. There's a website where they buy an Xbox as soon as it comes out, and then smash the fucker to bits.

6. If they want to deny the Holocaust, let them. Fuck them. They're going to hell anway.

7. Human Resources? They aren't human. They are pond life.

8. Why is it called an Oyster card?

9. I don't know why you ask me that kind of question. There is no answer that will make you happy.

10. No offence, but you mum is a bit mental.

17th November 2005
1. There's loads of money in my bank account - God provides for everything.

2. You know what I was doing there? I was being the villain from Coronation Street.

3. It is true that Nordic blood flows through my veins.

4. Where is Harpenden? And where is Radlett? And why do they exist?

5. That Madonna song really sounds like Abba.

6. Do you mind? I'm trying to smoke.

7. I sniffed pepper and now I'm really sneezy.

8. I was born in the year of the............ sandwich.

9. My church is very middle-class.

10. The fags in Germany are cheap, but they only have 17 in a packet. You think you're buying 20 but you're not.

10th November 2005
1. All you do is complain. You're 25 and you're already an old woman.

2. Oh yes, Mary Poppins is wonderful. Clive and I want to see it. We love Martine McCutcheon.

3. If Middlesex University is so great, how come they need to advertise?

4. You mong.

5. They're developing these cigarettes that don't cause cancer, but the anti-smoking people want to ban them.

6. Look... you can phone Pakistan for 5p a minute.

7. That wasn't sex. That was hard work!

8. You can go as Charlie Brown and I'll go as Woodstock.

9. You're not wrong mate. It's a fucking joke. A big fucking joke.

10. Whatever happened to Suede?

3rd November 2005
1. Then Emily said "But Nana's wearing a wig!"

2. Clare ain't my girlfriend, she's my baby mother.

3. Is reading a language skill?

4. I'm not from round here... I'm from Potter's Bar, but I wanted to see the game.

5. She was eating a Mullerlight thing and getting it all over her scarf.

6. Jimi Hendrix... that's a Dutch name. Was he Dutch?

7. I waited 45 minutes for a minicab. In the end I cancelled it and got a black cab instead. I hate cabs. All cabs.

8. Never ask a woman why she's angry.

9. Can you imagine what it's going to be like when 60,000 people are here? It's bad enough at Highbury as it is.

10. Come on! Use your head! There's a reason it's called Pro Plus.

27th October 2005
1. Of course it's not Halal. It's a fucking pork chop.

2. Is he black? Is he white? Is he black? Is he white? Is he green?

3. I wouldn't rely on a guy called Anonymous Funkster.

4. Did you see Jordan and Peter Andre on Ross? Absolute classic car crash telly.

5. I used to know this bloke who kept a syringe in his desk. He was allergic to peanuts and needed people to inject him.

6. They are renaming Green Lanes. It's gonna be called Haringay Village or something like that...

7. You gonna go to Ally Pally for the fireworks?

8. He thinks he's at the forefront of guerilla marketing. It's just a few flyers.

9. How is your mum? I heard about the operation. Nasty business.

10. I am absolutely Hank Marvin'.

20th October 2005
1. I always get confused between Safeway and Waitrose, even though they are different.

2. The purpose of a poll is to draw conclusions about the overall population, not just the sample.

3. There's an Arts Fair in Battersea. Should be good, except that it's in Battersea and that's miles away.

4. I'd give it three stars. Out of a hundred.

5. Where's your appendix? Is it on your left or your right?

6. Retief Goosen used to be great. Jim Furyk is cool as well.

7. What I wouldn't give for the sweltering heat of the Kalahari desert...

8. He said he was in an acid jazz band called Barabas.

9. My pastie was alright... a bit squashed, but alright.

10. You're in your secret room. Your special, magical, private room.

13th October 2005
1. I have stolen his mighty beard of masculinity.

2. The first two Philip Pullman books are good, but the third one is just a jumbled mess.

3. It's like... excuse me, you seem to be wearing my face.

4. Have my change. Don't worry - I like to get rid of my shrapnel.

5. Every country has its own fetish: the Germans seem to like shitting on each other.

6. He never washes. When the cleaners saw his shower, they said it was caked with black stuff.

7. Is your name John? Or James? Or Ian? Or Michael? No. It's not.

8. Shaun Wright Phillips is about 4'11". He's tiny.

9. I'm not going to end up being the anonymous sperm donor for a lesbian couple.

10. Livingstone annouces fare increases and the Northern Line suddenly gets closed. It's not even funny.

6th October 2005
1. My lucky number is nine, but my favourite number is eleven.

2. Oh god. I hate these poxy stairs.

3. That bloke from New Order looks so old... he's aged about 40 years in the last decade.

4. Ha ha ha! Free food! Chicken on a stick!

5. I accidentally called his girlfriend by his ex's name, but I think I got away with it.

6. They give you a ticket every time they stop you, so you're gotta be clever and give a fake name and address.

7. I think you'll find that everything you've ever done is overrated and rubbish and you're going to die in a piss-filled ditch.

8. We're gonna get drunk, we're gonna have a fight and then we're gonna get a shag.

9. Once again, the Sun and the Mirror have the same headline. It's very disappointing.

10. She always buys him the same present: sex toys.

29th September 2005
1. Why have we even got a fax machine? Who uses faxes in this day and age?

2. To a degree, all the SSRIs can make you suicidal.

3. We're due a cold snap... it will kill off all the germs.

4. Blair talks the talk, but it's all hot air. Style over substance. The public know it, but what can you do?

5. Oh, how the ghost of you clings - these foolish things... la la la

6. People who jump in front of trains are so selfish.

7. Wagamamas can lick my sweaty balls.

8. I see all relationships as doomed to failure.

9. He wants to go to the British Lawnmower Museum... it's in Southport.

10. Is Moe Dalton innocent?

22nd September 2005
1. Indian people always eat Indian food and they don't explode.

2. It's not diamond. It's cubic zirconia on silver.

3. You can't see anything... it's too hazy.

4. All this shit about Kate Moss. Like everyone else in showbiz doesn't have a toot.

5. Defoe scores great individual goals, but he doesn't link play or score team goals.

6. Can we go somewhere new? I don't think I can stand another pizza.

7. The bloke from the Shield really looks like Ross Kemp. It's not that they're bald... it's because they have small mouths.

8. She doesn't have a name. They just call her "The Child".

9. I used to work in Kilburn and I always met nice Irish people.

10. The journey planner is shit. It takes you round the houses.

15th September 2005
1. I'm not a misogynist. I just hate women.

2. Katy is ok, but Paul just sits in meetings and disagrees with everyone.

3. Every train, there's always a tourist in shorts hunched over an A-Z, looking puzzled.

4. I'm not posh, I've just had a decent education.

5. We've got subsidance. Either that or the house is sinking.

6. It's the same group of people who did Anchorman but it's nowhere near as funny.

7. We're speaking French! We're speaking Patois - you know what I mean?

8. Ape Escape is ok... It's not as good as Dynasty Warriors.

9. I've never done Su Doko. It looks too much like maths to me.

10. Jordan makes me physically sick... all these whores craving fame at any cost.

8th September 2005
1. It sounds like someone singing Queen songs in Russian.

2. This kid was riding a bike on the pavement and nearly hit me. Then he swore at me for getting in the way.

3. A Londoner is someone born and raised in London, not someone who has lived here for five years.

4. The B-sides are rubbish... just remixes.

5. Do you remember when we were kids, and we used to play with Parmindier and her cousin?

6. Noel Gallagher would never grow a goatee - it's not his style.

7. Death is the end. That's it. No more thinking.

8. If we can't get off there, what can we do? I don't feel like spending all day on the tube.

9. Welcome to the world of erotic hypnosis.

10. I'm meeting Lucy in the Old Parr's Head. I haven't seen her in ten years.

1st September 2005
1. Suddenly, everyone is using the word 'polymath'.

2. Mr Bronson is dead. He wasn't just in Grange Hill...He was in Star Wars.

3. I've got a building job next week, it's in Stanmore or Bushey or somewhere like that.

4. You're not supposed to smoke, but it doesn't really matter... it's an outdoor platform.

5. All she ever does is cry.

6. I am not a cowboy, I do not ride a steel horse and I'm not wanted dead or alive.

7. You've got a goober on your sleeve.

8. I binned all the porn on VHS... there's no point in it anymore.

9. They're proper Converse. One star.

10. Stephen Fry is quite good at lots of things, but not actually great at anything.

25th August 2005
1. It wasn't Starbucks or Costa Coffee. It was the other one.

2. Cut the crap Chris, and tell me what happened when you got to the petrol station.

3. Your nose is full of dried blood.

4. Poor little Caleb. He keeps falling into holes. Very accident prone.

5. Fuck. I really need some breakfast cereal. Crunchy Nut Cornflakes make me come alive.

6. If you're going to waste my time, I'm gonna piss in your ear.

7. I'm gonna have a word with my bitches.

8. The Charlatans keep releasing the same album, over and over.

9. There's a message on my phone from someone called Marcus. I have no idea what he is talking about.

10. It won't be long until you can call anyone in the world for free.

18th August 2005
1. Have you deleted all the files? All of them?

2. I don't think it will ever rain again.

3. Get off at Finchley Road. There's a big B&Q or Homebase or something.

4. Jessica Simpson wants a handclap for the way she works her back. She doesn't have back. Or a brain.

5. What's that big shiny building by Moorgate? Does it have a name?

6. Can't you eat fish and cheese together?

7. My teeth smell of pain.

8. If we don't get out of here, I'm going to start dancing.

9. There are more Pound Shops in Wood Green than anywhere else.

10. I think you should seriously think about conversion.

11th August 2005
1. Ed Wood did "Glen or Glenda". It's about transvestites, I think.

2. I can still taste yesterday's prawn toast.

3. The Park by Lancaster Gate is Hyde Park, isn't it?

4. Can we set an option so that the compiler will evaluate every function of a project?

5. For my last birthday I got a miniature galleon. Totally useless.

6. Let the ungodly games begin!

7. Bob, I admire your enthusiasm.

8. Some people just aren't built for love.

9. He promises to bury his books and break his staff once he regains power. So he's not all bad.

10. Craig is the worst. He makes my skin crawl. Fucking ponce.

4th August 2005
1. Celeste! Celeste! Where are you going? Come here?

2. The neighbours have bought their kid a drumkit. It's just noise noise noise.

3. Dialogue and atmosphere don't matter at this stage. You need to have the narrative structure in place.

4. No offence like but I can't imagine you being skinny, like ever.

5. You have to paint the mouldings that's all you have to do.

6. Goodbye Mein Kampf.

7. Mummy, if there was a crash and I rescued you, would you say thank you?

8. Bruv, what you doing? You holding out on me?

9. It's not about us understanding them. It's about them integrating properly and learning to understand us.

10. I think Alan Patridge was based on Alastair Stewart.

28th July 2005
1. Edgar Davids! I still can't get over it! Edgar Davids!

2. Did you understand any of it? I was totally lost.

3. From now on you're going to be eating a lot of pork.

4. I don't get all the fuss about Donnie Darko. It's not that great.

5. The Piccadilly Line will be closed for many months. Remember that minor accident on the Central Line?

6. I am walking down a long, dark corridor.

7. She said that Tom was just being lazy, but I think there's more to it than that.

8. A brontosaurus could kill a stegasaurus... easily.

9. Ananova seem to always have a lot of stories from Chile.

10. I bought an A-Z. I am walking everywhere. If nothing else, I'll get to know London better.

21st July 2005
1. I saw Nigel Lawson on the Central Line today. He got off at Marble Arch. Surely he can afford a cab?

2. Shireen, are we all bopping to the same beat?

3. You should shave off your goatee... you don't want to get an uneven tan.

4. I don't want to hear another sob story about a man with no head.

5. Dilbert is the least funny thing ever.

6. It's you and me. Just the two of us. Does that make you nervous?

7. Borderline, Crazy for You, American Life, Vogue, Cherish. In that order.

8. Have you got a pen? Or a sword?

9. So, Voldemort is Darth Vader and Dumbledore is Obi Wan Kenobi.

10. Larry? Do you mind if I call you Larry?

14th July 2005
1. Thora Birch used to be sexy. Now she's another skinny peroxide nothing.

2. Queensway is closed. It's not terrorists... they are re-painting it.

3. I heard your fart on the stairs. I bet it launched you up them.

4. How can you not wear a bra? I feel naked without one.

5. No, only Sloanes go to the Proms. Forget it, we're not going.

6. Can't I have the Satie ringtone?

7. You're from San Francisco? I always wanted to ride on those trams.

8. She wants to teach me how to do a breast examination. I'm up for that.

9. I'll grow a moustache too even though I'm a woman.

10. Who the fuck is Barry Sarll?

30th June 2005
1. What is to become of us, now that winter draws close?

2. I never know what to say. I just stand there and look at her tits.

3. He wrote a paper about the acoustics of church bells.

4. You shouldn't stop taking codeine if you've been on it for more than a week.

5. Actually, Jasmine quite likes the idea of a hypnobirth.

6. Christopher Ecclestone is a hard act to follow.

7. Here's to you, Andy. They'll all see you in the next life.

8. She's been logging on to that Norwegian dating site.

9. He does well for himself, considering he's an effeminate, bisexual pimp.

10. They do grilled halloumi, loukaniki and pork for breakfast.

23rd June 2005
1. You know what it's like. Black people age differently to whites.

2. Maxwell is so clearly a fake posh twat.

3. The East London line is the oldest... was built in 1843.

4. We are laying bets on when Simon Pegg will be totally bald.

5. I wanted Chelsea to win because it was a novelty. But the novelty has worn off.

6. That shirt is fantabulosa.

7. There was a question on the quiz machine: Starsailor are influenced by Neil Young, true or false?

8. He is a fool! He is a bafang!

9. If he was a James Bond, he's be George Lazenby.

10. It's so hot. I want to lie down in the bath and fall asleep.

16th June 2005
1. Don't worry about time - it's very fluid.

2. Scott Parker has done nothing to deserve that kind of price tag.

3. It's like that old adage about boiling a frog.

4. I wish he'd realise that depression is not something to be proud about.

5. There's all these tiny scabs inside my nose.

6. Have you still got my sachet of salad cream?

7. I was surprised how attractive Ann Coulter is.

8. You're my girlfriend. If you won't do it, who will?

9. They made the Dalek all wimpy and emotionally needy. What a load of crap.

10. Don't touch me! I am contagious!

9th June 2005
1. All that's happened is that it's confirmed every prejudice I have.

2. Broadband has increased the size of my cock.

3. Is there a Specsavers in town? I want more contact lenses.

4. There's nowhere on the tube to spit phlegm.

5. Fuck the Bid. The last thing I need is a million tourists. Can you imagine it?

6. When I have a job, I don't have the time, and when I am unemployed, I don't have the money.

7. My life is like a shitty Ananova news story.

8. The Sugababes are not serious. They're just pop bints.

9. Does it matter that he's a liar? He gets the job done.

10. Pissheads, chavs and beggars. Great.

2nd June 2005
1. I reserve the right to be rude to ugly people, particularly ones who dress like that.

2. We must listen to the pan pipes of peace and understanding.

3. Pretty soon you'll be able to use your mobile on the tube. It will be hell on earth.

4. Ha ha ha ha! You've got moobs.

5. Wembley was originally a small forest called Wembalea.

6. Answer me this... why is it that now I am getting hitched, all these men start flirting with me?

7. They do free shipping on new futons.

8. I saw this old Capri with silver rims... like a ghetto Essex slag.

9. All nature is tuned to a very specific pitch.

10. I did David Baddiel's house the other day. A block of concrete kept eroding his phone line.

26th May 2005
1. I have no idea what I am doing, but I am enjoying it.

2. Have you sterilised that?

3. In the book, count Dracula has a moustache.

4. Yeah, you could go to the Queens, if you want to pay three quid for a pint.

5. He spent three years working for Haringey council. He started off quite liberal and ended up as Enoch Powell.

6. Jennifer's dad sent her a nice cuddly cat, so that's nice.

7. Who's that bloke from REM? He's a poof, isn't he? Stupid poof.

8. I am a plumber. I am a roofer. Whatever you need.

9. The real problem is that a lot of these kids are stupid slags who jump into bed with anyone.

10. You need a Sports Almanac from the future.

19th May 2005
1. My nose is blocked. My ears are blocked. And I am shivering.

2. Did you just take a photo of me?

3. They are honey balls. I got them in a greek place in Green Lanes.

4. She whipped his ass. Londoners underestimate out of towners.

5. I wouldn't say that Sisyphus is an essentially absurd hero.

6. Yeah, but Darren Day is blaming coke for being a wanker. If I was cocaine, I'd sue him...

7. Can we please stop talking about this? Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes without speaking?

8. Fuck! This coffee is hot!

9. You can deal with that at home with a cream - you don't need a check up.

10. I feel sorry for Kylie, but there are loads of less famous people with worse problems.

12th May 2005
1. Luke Haines doesn't just whine... he's very positive in his negativity.

2. What the fuck is wrong with this place?

3. Oliver Letwin is a space cadet. I mean that in a good way.

4. Watch where you're putting that backpack, mate.

5. I am tired of pseudonyms. Soon the whole world will know my true name.

6. We went to Ask Pizza. I won't be Asking again.

7. They should rename the road Emo Kid Lane.

8. He was in Mexico. They arrested him and he had to beg for money to get five bucks to get back to the States.

9. I didn't know Reading was dangerous. Well. There you go.

10. They show him playing this Fender in the video, but he can't even play the guitar.

5th May 2005
1. It's weird how 80% of smokers smoke Marlboro Lights.

2. People complain that Irvine Welsh is always Scottish, but they don't complain that Martin Amis is always English.

3. I called her and says I was going, but she says she ain't going cause Kenny is gonna be there.

4. You're beautiful on the inside.

5. The Matisse at the Royal Academy is supposed to be marvellous.

6. What are you lot on about? Get some taste and listen to something proper like Eminem or 50 cent.

7. She just needs a good dose of cock.

8. Can we just agree that we're going to eat soon?

9. They are these little tiny pills. They aren't like normal aspirins.

10. I like Deicide. I like Skyclad. I like Bolthrower. I like Bathory. I don't listen to shit like Limp Bizkit.

28th April 2005
1. Don't even ask me that. You know I am skint.

2. There are supposed to be little balls here, but all I feel is one big ball.

3. I don't like all this peasant-chic. I know real peasants and they don't dress like that.

4. My arse is feeling a bit worried today.

5. Perhaps that is because London Underground employees are ignorant fuckwits.

6. Once again I have failed to win the lottery.

7. Edgar Davids wears those glasses because he has Glaucoma.

8. You could buy me flowers from time to time... it wouldn't kill you.

9. That’s his personality. He’s just too illogical.

10. I saw one of those... like.... half-cars... we don't have those in the States.

21st April 2005
1. Even when I was a kid he was 7000 years old. But somehow he hasn’t aged a bit since then.

2. I wonder if a mistaken psychiatric adventure could be made.

3. Basil is not qualified to assess anything.

4. Who is Erik Edman? I didn't even know he was a Spurs player. When did we sign him?

5. How can you confuse an acronym with an ecosystem?

6. I can feel my mind beginning to dislodge itself.

7. You've got good hands.

8. It will be too late to interview anyone because they’ll all be too traumatised.

9. The difference is I’m not a dyke. How hard can it be?

10. I've been reading Camus. He's a kind of soft cheese.

14th April 2005
1. Look at me! Look at me! I am Eric Djemba Djemba!

2. He only went and put a full can of baked beans in the microwave.

3. I've got the shakes today.

4. Did you go to school with Rhodri? He was half Welsh.

5. All I want is a minicab driver who doesn't light incest in the car.

6. Poor old Camilla. Her only crime is to be ugly.

7. Is there another exit here? I am supposed to be meeting a friend.

8. It's like if you haven't shaved in ages and it's like hacking through the jungle.

9. Apparently they are going to have a funeral pyre for Andrea Dworkin. They set her on fire and float her down the Mississippi.

10. They have put the Cookie Monster on a diet.

7th April 2005
1. Yeah, yeah. We’ll get someone crazy like the Sisters of Mercy. Are they still going? Best ever.

2. I will call you during the election. Best of luck. Bye. Best of fuck.

3. How can they do a reality show about Britney Spears? She doesn't live in reality.

4. I just want cheap shoes. You know... 35 quid. Where can I get some round here?

5. You might have fertility problems if you keep sitting that way.

6. Stop kissing your teeth.

7. On the telly he looks blonde, but he's well ginger.

8. Have you seen the macaw in Wood Green? It's wicked.

9. Did she tell you she's pregnant, yeah? You gonna get rid of it?

10. Mate, I won the £2500 prize. I told the boss I’ve been to the Caribbean a million times, so we’re going to Australia instead.

31st March 2005
1. Nous sommes les chavs.

2. We had this really spicy chicken soup that burned my lips.

3. I am going back into my meditative state.

4. Steve Dillon draws everyone the same.

5. He's a bit of an absent father and a bit of a pisshead.

6. I had this dream that David Bowie was a poacher who could possess animals and control them.

7. Excuse me? Do you know how to get from Pimlico to West Brompton?

8. Joss Stone sounds like curdled milk.

9. Don't mind me. I am going to do my nails.

10. And there's all these flying fish in the sea and they look like a rainbow.

24th March 2005
1. Why don't you watch where you're going, you fat fuck?

2. A lot of Americans don't believe in evolution. They are creationists. Or idiots, as I like to call them.

3. How am I supposed to organise a wedding for 150 people?

4. She can eat a whole bag of chicken balls in ten minutes.

5. You should see that band, The Others, they have such retarded haircuts.

6. I am fighting in the front line in the light-entertainment wars.

7. He has absolutely massive hands... they are like waffles.

8. You need some kind of USB cock.

9. It's not even self-parody... it's Alastair Stewart.

10. She kept on talking about Sweden, and I had to remind her that I am a Norwegian, not a Swede.

17th March 2005
1. They say the new Woody Allen film is a return to form. But they say that every time he makes a new movie.

2. I know a few women who could do with wearing a burkha.

3. Hello. Yes? Yes. No. I'll be home in five minutes.

4. Ugh... what is this stuff... some kind of pickle?

5. I like women with deformed heads.

6. What's the grey line? Is that the Jubilee or the Bakerloo?

7. Come with me. Walk with me. I'll buy you a sandwich.

8. All human tragedy is grist to your sordid entertainment mill.

9. Let's not mince words. He's a cunt.

10. The moon is exceptionally large tonight.

10th March 2005
1. Will Ferrell's hair is disgusting.

2. Did you hear that? I can't believe they'd talk about discharge on the tube.

3. Yoda es fuertissimo. El puede vencer a Count Dooku. Pero Jesus es aun mas fuerte. El tiene muchos poderes.

4. Let's not go over this again. I'll meet you at 6pm and we can decide then where we're going to eat.

5. Mark my words, Crespo will be back at Chelsea next season.

6. It's my mum's birthday on Sunday. I am buying her a cow.

7. She gave me this pack of chewy kid's vitamins.

8. How am I supposed to survive on fifty quid a week?

9. Ha ha! You're it!

10. Luke actually says "LOL" when he thinks something is funny... freak.

3rd March 2005
1. She keeps calling me a boozy newshound.

2. I expected better from Dizzee Rascal. He's sharp. He knows what's going on.

3. Every week there's a story about some weird theatre event in Chile.

4. It seems like every builder in London is a former punk.

5. All I want to do is read comics and sleep.

6. Last night I had an epiphany. I realised that life is essentially awful.

7. What the fuck is a bilge rat?

8. Are you going to eat those chips or just play with them?

9. Jenny Eclair is like a black hole where comedy dies.

10. Bring it on. Bring it on. Bring it all on.

24th February 2005
1. One day soon, corporations will be sentient.

2. I saw Clive Owen coming out of that gym by Ally Pally. He's very grey.

3. You're just some jumped-up cockney bitch who talks out of her backside.

4. You have to admit that Satchmo was a pretty stupid nickname.

5. How old is she? My Nicholas is two now. He's got teeth.

6. These...chavs. They slap strangers and they film it on their mobiles. It's crazy.

7. It's like they've never seen snow before.

8. He's got all these sores and scabs on his lips... it's well rough.

9. Every time I switch on the radio, there's a bloody Australian telling me to cheer up.

10. I've never been to Brixton. What's it like?

17th February 2005
1. Victor Neuburg was better than Alastair Crowley.

2. She's got conjunctivitis. There's pus coming out of her eye.

3. Have you gone to the toilet today?

4. I love a bit of dulce de leche.

5. My chicken had loads of veins.

6. I thought a shirt and tie would be enough, but they had to lend me a dinner jacket.

7. That Chinese kid is going to be Snooker world champion one day.

8. Believe me, you don't want to go to Osterley.

9. She's desperate to get broadband and I think we both know why.

10. A lot of journalists secretly fancy Roy Keane. There's no other explanation for it. They want a bit of rough.

10th February 2005
1. Yeah! And then we could tell them that we're porn stars!

2. They sound a bit like Mother Love Bone.

3. What is the point of life if I can't break someone's heart.

4. I very much doubt you will be alive in twenty years time.

5. She's sorry she missed your birthday. She was drunk. Again.

6. Where are Tottenham getting all the money from?

7. Me and God are not getting along well together.

8. Irene and Fran are engaged. Do you remember Fran? He got off with me once.

9. He turned up at work yesterday with a sack full of chopped wood.

10. November comes back to me with a wistful Proustian air.

3rd February 2005
1. He's the one wearing the pink corduroy cap.

2. You look marvellous. Tuscany agrees with you.

3. Remind me to call the shrink, yeah?

4. He's dead I'm telling you. He's fat, unshaven and dead.

5. I'm having a nap. Wake me when we get to East Finchley.

6. I just can't stand them. They're all such pretentious wankers.

7. We're going down Sugar Reef to try to hit some footballers.

8. Who's that American bint that did a version of 'Angels'? I hate her.

9. Oh my boobs are falling out.

10. Harry Potter is so gay.

27th January 2005
1. Like my mum always says: you don't polish the best china with wire wool.

2. I like that advert where the car pisses on the dog.

3. The more I see Nicole Kidman, the harder it is to believe that she ever married Tom Cruise.

4. How's dad? Still got that beard?

5. Ten years ago I was in college and she was twelve. Twelve!

6. We have to change at Earls Court. The trains on the District Line are very picky about where they go.

7. One day all this will be scorched earth.

8. They killed 90% of the jewish population of Poland. I'm sure the Poles didn't object.

9. I am a loser. I am always a loser.

10. How old is John Terry? He looks about forty.

20th January 2005
1. Who's your geography teacher? Mine is Mrs Smillings.

2. Come on! Let's get drunk. It's Tuesday... it's practically the end of the week.

3. Life would be much easier if I was born without a brain.

4. When you buy someone a present and it's really what you want for yourself, then it's a bowling ball present.

5. I fucking hate filling in timesheets.

6. You can't say "isolation" without saying "I".

7. They need to find a babysitter who speaks cantonese.

8. Mike Leigh always seems a bit parochial. I prefer universal artists.

9. Are you going to the wedding? They've invited me but I hardly know them.

10. It's awful. I'm nearly thirty and living with my mum.

13th January 2005
1. Wood Green is now the official stabbing capital of London.

2. I feel like Gummo, the forgotten Marx Brother.

3. You can sing "I love Martin Jol" to the tune of "I love Rock 'n' Roll" by Joan Jett.

4. He was hospitalised for falling up a flight of stairs... it's unusual, at least.

5. Someone needs to remind Queen that Freddie Mercury is dead.

6. Your dad does scare me... he's always drunk.

7. Why is everyone getting so worked up about a bit of swearing?

8. I met her on the way to the Royal Academy. I started talking to her about art... she is absolutely gorgeous.

9. This is where Thomas the Tank Engine comes to die.

10. No. She is not my identical twin. I'm male and she's female - we can't be identical.

6th January 2005
1. I don't see how someone jumping over the London Eye is going to help us get the Olympics.

2. Don't try walking up the stairs. Just press the button and wait. There's no hurry.

3. Simon Pegg lives in Crouch End. He's always whinging that people don't take him seriously.

4. She's not going to believe you. I don't believe you and I was there.

5. You always point out when I have drool on my chin or sleep in my eyes... so let me comment about you.

6. It's ok. It's no Hero or Crouching Tiger. It's a bit of a silly film, really.

7. In Russia they celebrate Christmas by setting fire to a tiger.

8. It was a metre over the line. I swear... these things only happen at Old Trafford. Fucking cheats.

9. Eventually, everyone in Asia will get adopted by Angelina Jolie.

10. He sneezed and got snot all over her. It's not a great way to start a date.

Please note: none of the statements on the page reflect the personal views of themanwhofellasleep. If you send me something you've overheard, I'll try to include it. I may polish up the spelling, but that's it. Contributions to Tube Gossip are copyright Greg Stekelman and permission to reproduce all or part of any contribution must be given by me! If you want to post some quotes on your blog and include a link back to here, fine! If you want to rip off the page and reprint it as though it's your own idea, you're a very silly person.