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6th August 2009

1. Carlo Ancelloti looks a bit fucking thick. Massive, gormless face.

2. Madrid is another one. Terrible drive from the airport.

3. It's a lovely picture. It's a Rubins of a little baby, sketched in charcoal. He looks so serene.

4. What the fuck is a Tinchy Stryder?

5. Where is Cheshire? Is it England or Wales?

30th July 2009

1. He's deaf so we don't often take him out.

2. Why not just barge past me and push me out the way, eh? Twat.

3. Mandelson's got one of those goblin faces. Like Jordan.

4. Me and Jackie were going to head into town but it's roastin' so we're goin' home.

5. A frying pan for 99p? There's got to be something wrong with it.

23rd July 2009

1. Oh, you're such an egg.

2. So... He's the old minister at the church. Has he ever been mistaken for a peodophile?

3. I was sure it was Punjabi food, but it was actually Pakistani. Just goes to show...

4. She genuinely looked like someone's autistic cousin.

5. You going to the performance? Ahmed is in it.

16th July 2009

1. It's about more than just recycling and understanding your carbon footprint!

2. If i didnt get off on humiliation, I'd have a bloody miserable life.

3. I had sex with Abbie last night. Don't tell her though, cause she was asleep.

4. If you can feel yourself putting on weight, is that good thing or a bad thing?

5. A pony is NOT a form of transportation.


9th July 2009

1. Bikes were not invented for my body shape.

2. I don't know how to describe the colour blue to you, but its very colourful.

3. Just tell him you're now seeing someone else so you can't go out with him tonight.

4. She's very competitive. Even in bed.

5. Don't worry. Someone is bound to have a Swiss Army Knife.

2nd July 2009

1. The tracks are over 100 years old... they don't derail that often though.

2. Oh, where is my baby? Where's my Caesar?

3. He'll definitely regret breaking up with her. He was punching way above his weight.

4. I hope to join!

5. I feel sorry for my brother - the ugly, smelly, slobby one.

25th June 2009

1. I don't even know how to do buses. I am OK with trains though.

2. I've heard a lot of strange rumours about Brett Lee.

3. He's got a lovely soft Irish accent. He sounds like a cheese.

4. I'm so glad you have no memory of me.

5. I don't know what 'bludclart' means.

18th June 2009

1. You'll probably know in the first 10 minutes if youre going to like it or not.

2. In America they call brown sauce steak sauce.

3. I don't even know how to do buses. I am OK with trains though.

4. I just came downstairs and she was lying on the table.

5. What's that German film about Hitler in the bunker? No.... it's not a comedy.

11th June 2009

1. I can't believe Britney's meant to be sexy. She actually puts me off women in general.

2. We sat outside the dentist, tooting a horn on the guy's bike.

3. I think we're lower middle-class.

4. When you're on holiday, like, abroad, you get these breakfasts where it's all fruit.

5. Frank Lampard, John Terry and Steven Gerrard. They all look the same, don't they?

4th June 2009

1. I think my Dad must be a virgin.

2. I went to Cheltenham last week. It had no gay people, only one gay bar.

3. When are you going to watch the breakdancing?

4. Sheep is a sensitive topic in this country.

5. But I can see some blue sky.

28th May 2009

1. You know Harmony Funky - it's in Essex.

2. On YouTube there's this video of a guy in a K-hole and he's on a beach and they bury him alive.

3. When I first met your mother I was on Ecstasy.

4. Everyone in London is foreign.

5. There's the most amazing gelato in Barcelona. It's Ferrero Rocher. It's amazing.

21st May 2009

1. You left me looking like a loser.

2. It wasn't the best conversation. She doesn't really have a grasp of sarcasm.

3. Michael fingered the black one.

4. Have you heard the shit that's number one? It's not even music. Makes me feel old, but I'm not old, it's crap music.

5. Who can remember their National Insurance number offhand? I can't.

14th May 2009

1. What's a fifth of 20? It's 10... no, wait, it's 5.

2. I'm gonna punch her in the face and break her nose.

3. Are you 100% sure you want to go to Watford? Cause we need to make sure there's space in the car.

4. Blud! Blud! You checked my myspace page, cause I need to raise the profile views.

5. You know my mate Les? He's Turkish.

7th May 2009

1. I had to chat up three loads of women before they'd let me into the club.

2. Kate Moss is one of my clients... I do her garden.

3. When they say it's going to be a good summer, are they taking the piss?

4. You can be plastic or you can be elastic.

5. Your life is a long line of cracked skulls.

30th April 2009

1. I'm not gettin' on a bus. Buses are stinky.

2. There's nothing you can do about mould on grouting.

3. If you see an American, ask them about the Denver Broncos. They'll know what you're on about.

4. You've gotta wait until you've had a sex dream about your dad. It's all Greek tragedy.

5. Cargo is just a rich man's Wilkinsons.

23rd April 2009

1. Why shouldn't I call up your wife and tell her what a two-timing rat you are? I've got nothing to lose.

2. We found a live frog in the cat's water bowl with its hands over its eyes!

3. He learnt his English from song lyrics.

4. Why did the smartie cross the street? To get to the tube...You know smartie TUBE. London TUBE. Aha!

5. We went to Lakeside and we drank more than we ate.

16th April 2009

1. Whatever happened to that band you liked? You know... The Pixies?

2. Do you know where I can find a telephone cabin?

3. All of this reminds me of the bombing of Dresden.

4. Gonna go to Niketown. Get new creps.

5. There's keeping you on your toes, and there's lopping your feet off


9th April 2009

1. When his mum died, he sang a little song for her.

2. Have you seen the Cornish flag? It's ridiculous.

3. You don't take a girl into the woods unless you're up to no good.

4. He was the only one who had a Lynx Bullet. I was really impressed.

5. Newcastle is a really nice city. They've done it up.

2nd April 2009

1. It was surprisingly quiet in town. I think everyone was a bit disappointed by the lack of action.

2. Jack, you've got a bit of tin foil on your arse.

3. Oh no, it's alright! Just didn't want to say 'I love you' out loud in the tube!

4. I feel sorry for the husbands of the women leaders. They have to mince around with the girls all day.

5. You remember Janice? Used to call her daughter Norman, as in Bates. Well, now the daughter's a bit psycho. I blame the mother.

26th March 2009

1. Did you see Britney Spears in the paper this morning? I thought it was Vanessa Feltz. They could be sisters.

2. Mummy! I want to do my sit ups!

3. No shame in your game. All the normal folks have got to humble themselves.

4. You probably shouldn't take more than five aspirin at a time.

5. It's not a conspiracy. It's too stupid for that.

19th March 2009

1. It smells like elephants down here.

2. What do you like doing at weekends? Do you do the crosswords?

3. I think it's Tanya Donnelly, who was in Belly.

4. I always end up in the seat where you can't see your reflection. I get paranoid about my hair.

5. Did you see the Man Utd result? Ha ha ha...

12th March 2009

1. She's got hair like in a music video. Curly and wavy. You know what I mean.

2. Rihanna. Tsk. She better watch what she says about Chris Brown.

3. And we met some gay guys, and they said that we were female versions of them.

4. The 'spot the difference' is always the same. They raise their skirts and lower their collars.

5. My phone's ringing. It's probably a paedophile alert.

5th March 2009

1. I never do my bedding in a drier. I put it on the line.

2. They found this grave, yeah. And it's really old and it's got Jesus's name written on it.

3. This is Suzanne. It's her birthday today.

4. Then it exploded and there was sick everywhere!

5. It's absolutely stupid that you can only get two prams on a bus at the same time. This is the 21st century!

26th February 2009

1. You know how you tell when Sophie's at a party? When she's not on effing facebook.

2. Stephen Fry's the man. He does it all day long. I don't know how he manages it, but he does.

3. Every shoe shop I went into, I was followed by four Turkish guys shouting at each other.

4. I feel sorry for people who don't have flatscreen tellies.

5. It's ok to put lemon juice on salmon.

19th February 2009

1. What am I gonna do with 200 metres of dental floss?

2. Shire horses are just normal horses that have been fed loads of wagon wheels!

3. Fifteen minutes! The next Circle Line train will be along in fifteen minutes!

4. Lidl in Paris do real special offers... huge TVs for peanuts. What does our Lidl sell? cheap compost and nylon pants.

5. That was before I could drive, so I didn't really understand roads.

12th February 2009

1. Here I am, transcending reality, and what are you doing?

2. This is no time for speaking in tongues.

3. In Russia it snows every day and they still manage to run a country.

4. My spell checker is rubbish. I was trying to order a bag of Wotsits and ended up with a Wetsuit.

5. It's no good. The loo's got a skylight, so people can look at you when you're doing a jobbie.

5th February 2009

1. It's probably your left ventricle... I get all my knowledge from Gray's Anatomy.

2. Ian's asked everyone who's ever slept with him to phone him. So he can't even be bothered to phone them?

3. He came to England in the 1600s and ended up as a clergyman, strangely enough.

4. It's mocktails for me from now on.

5. Crime and Punishment and The Idiot were his two books, weren't they?

29th January 2009

1. He can't have shaved down there in all his 40 years, I've re-named him "Tim Nice But Needs A Trim".

2. You like these trousers? Thanks! They're Vernon Kay's...

3. What's the number for 118 118?

4. I go where I want. I am the Magasihi.

5. But then again, I don't tend to drink my beer in the toilets

22nd January 2009

1. How do you know that you're only 17?

2. Have you seen the busker with the mouth organ at Oxford Circus? He really spazzed out.

3. Of course he's Spanish. Have you not looked at his hair? He has a mini-mullet. Just little fronds at the back of his head.

4. You have a poncho? I have a poncho too! High Five!

5. ...And you were in the shower...Again! That's all you do - wash and breastfeed.

15th January 2009

1. Uh oh. Bogey at 9 o'clock.

2. How come Top Shop have their own radio station?

3. Hello! Excuse me! I'm wedged in here.

4. What would you rather save? The whales? Or the banks?

5. I was watching this old film, and I suddenly realised where they got the idea for Mr Burns in The Simpsons.

8th January 2009

1. Yeah, she got banned from the supermarket for running around trying to see herself in the cctv cameras.

2. I'm too old for that. I've already done all my rebellion and dressing up.

3. Why does everyone go to the Slug and Lettuce? They only have one telly.

4. It's a fix! In the ads they show flames coming out of the cinema screen... now way will that happen.

5. If you hold a door open for a woman, she'll only take advantage.

1st January 2009

1. I know I shouldn't be gloating at a teen mum's expense but I just hate her so much.

2. Minor delays.... there is no such thing as a minor delay.

3. You use all them long words, right? What do they mean? What does "contemplating" mean?

4. Do you know how much it costs to get a tree surgeon? You may as well just buy a new tree.

5. And what did he give himself for his 27th birthday... a tattoo of a transformer. Its not cool man, just not cool.

25th December 2008

1. Can you believe they had a school trip to CERN to see the collider?

2. People whining about being ill over Christmas gives me the shits.

3. I'm looking forward to the Gavin and Tracy programme.

4. We can't eat in that place! There's no mobile reception.

5. ...and talking of fat, sour-faced, miserable old cows.

6. I wasn't having sex, I was giving him a blowjob. Anway I don't fancy him now that I've sucked him off.

7. There were all these teenagers on the bus... hassidic jews. And one of them had never heard of Facebook.

8. I can't believe they banned from the shopping centre for life.

9. Isn't Dubai in Angola?

10. No, I don't like rolls, too much bread in them.

18th December 2008

1. She's named her goldfish "cod".

2. Well, I thought a brooch would have made a nice Xmas present in a kind of retro, ironic sense, but she asked for the receipt. Bitch.

3. I'm begging you not to leave me. Don't make me beg.

4. How can McDonalds sponsor The Olympics?

5. They're "Inspire" by New Look. That means that they're fat girl's trousers.

6. I know this girl, yeah, and she went to the doctor and she's in those stirrups, yeah, and the doctor tells her to wipe her arse.

7. It's not racist because chavs aren't a race.

8. The 134 is ok. It's quite safe. I'd avoid the 29 though.

9. So if you have a mommy fish and a daddy fish, they might have little baby fishes!

10. I'm gonna bash him up beforehand.

11th December 2008

1. And this delightful young creature must be your daughter.

2. The banks are very good nowadays. As soon as they saw irregular payments they cancelled my account.

3. It's time. It's time for you to let me go. Now run! Run into the light!

4. We've just been to the most exquisite puppet show.

5. Raaaa! Raaagh! I've got a sore throat. Me need Strepsils.

6. My doctor has a foreign name. I'm just sayin'...

7. I think she's the friend of a naval officer.

8. What kind of monster tries to steal from Marks and Spencer?

9. That's the best busker I've ever seen and she was doing Steve Miller and it was actually really good.

10. Where's the party? The party is in my mind.

4th December 2008

1. So let me get this straight? You're asking me out on a date so you can get to know my boyfriend.

2. Joe Kinnear has my granny's hairdo.

3. She had a heart attack at 54. Completely fucked up her work.

4. He wanted me to go play golf. Like I'm some kind of poofta.

5. These are people who regularly go on holiday to Zurich.

6. Whilst I was waiting for this train, I saw six go by in the other direction. That's the Hammersmith and City line for you.

7. JLS should win. They're the best singers.

8. Let me off! Let me off! I'm bustin' for a piss!

9. What's a bearded man got to do with checking your cervix? Aside from the fact that he looks like a cunt.

10. They've banned Slade in the office.

27th November 2008

1. I wanted to see your performance, but I was in an exam! Sir should have told me.

2. We wont have time for dinner, so I’ll pick up something in Tesco. Some Flumps or something.

3. Whatever you do, don't tell mum that you saw me.

4. That's the sweet smell of success.

5. Oh I'm a silly, silly old cunt.

6. Leona Lewis... yeah, she thinks she's sizziling, but she looks like an Afghan Hound.

7. I was sitting opposite this old gentleman who had a really hairy neck and red eyes.

8. He has more gin than hope these days.

9. I always mean to buy the organic stuff, but then I get to the supermarket and the normal stuff is soooo much cheaper.

10. Stop actin' like you're a gangbanger. You're a twerp.

20th November 2008

1. I saw a woman go into Woolworths and ask if they sell wine.

2. We need catheters!

3. My boyfriend is so much younger than me. I'm nineteen and a half and he's only eighteen.

4. They have loads of Westfields in Australia.

5. She has a very loose perm, like someone from 1987 who hasn’t realised time has moved on.

6. Horatio was wearing his sunglasses from season 2.

7. Have you ever been to the Eden Project? I think it’s a bit overrated.

8. I know we can do it. But can we do it within the timescale?

9. He cycles to work, but he doesn’t have to sit in meetings wearing his leggings.

10. It’s quite a big functionality change.

13th November 2008

1. I don't want you to get into the habit of eating, ok?

2. You're never going to catch an alien dressed like that.

3. You've really got a British Gas fleece?

4. I wouldn't call it a newspaper, it's the Daily Star.

5. Gérard Depardieu? Yeah Gérard Depardieu. Who does he play? Asterix or Obelix?

6. It wasn't even a book club, it was just two people who had never, ever met.

7. Would you drink beer out of a Wellington boot? I wouldn't.

8. Its not a scarf, its a pashmina.

9. I knew he was a bit different because of the way he tucks his shirt in.

10. I had a royal flush. Like when the queen goes to the toilet.

6th November 2008

1. I want a pirate ship! I want a pirate ship!

2. They had the most humungous bakewell tarts.

3. Oh, he got a real bargain! It was only 250k!

4. These little banana sweets. They used to be soft. Now they're rock 'ard.

5. His strides were so tight, he was the one with the camel toe!

6. Guess what i saw today?? Two dwarves! TWO OF THEM!!

7. You remember that advert... he put all his money or red and it came out black?

8. I have to get my handicap down.

9. Every single bloke in London now owns a stripy scarf.

10. You know what they say. The best laid plans... go to rat shit

30th October 2008

1. I'm going to a lecture about the global economic crisis. Have you heard of it?

2. He's buying a TV and it's not flatscreen. That makes no sense to me. It's like cutting off your nose.

3. It's a pyramid scheme. Like they have in Egypt.

4. David Bentley's got a chin as big as Jimmy Hill's.

5. There's no point tidying if you've got a two-year-old.

6. Not now. Mummy's got her period.

7. Well, it's like the Olympics, isn't it? There's no prizes for coming second.

8. I love the picture on the side of matches. You know, the man with his arm on fire.

9. Another Friday, another punch-up outside The Slug and Lettuce.

10. My timetable this week is art, art, art, art, design, art, art, art.

23rd October 2008

1. Don't you get it? It's a tribute to Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopes.

2. Does this mean you want to finger me, twice?

3. I'd give it all up for a phone that made me breakfast.

4. We spent the weekend hanging out in New Look.

5. Talk to someone else about it... I'm not a techie.

6. He's some type of crusty rapscallion.

7. Sam and Dave... like the singers?

8. I'm not saying Boris is good, but I was sick of Ken. What was he doing hanging out of Chavez? We don't need that.

9. It's crayfish and rocket. I'd prefer a BLT. I'd prefer a piece of raw meat.

10. Do you want an extra strong mint? I've got one in my pocket.

16th October 2008

1. It doesn't matter that I don't get on with my dad. I'll always be his daughter and she's got no right to say those things.

2. Have you tried them? They're lovely. Like little fingers... little Madelaines...

3. Apparently boot-cut jeans are out of fashion. Since when?

4. That's what you get when you spend all your money at the Officer's Club.

5. Looks like you've been snortin' mate... all over your face!

6. Grayson Perry is quite handsome when he's not dressed as a Beano character.

7. And the mice, what do they do? Where do they crap? Under your pillow?

8. They've closed the Woolies in Wood Green. They're going to turn it into a theme park.

9. We need an information architect.

10. Why do they play classical music by the ticket office? Is it to put off the kids?

9th October 2008

1. Do you think I should turn ginger?

2. It's so weird! The singer from Midnight Oil is now part of Australia's government.

3. I keep burping up loukaniki.

4. What would YOU consider a normal brain function?

5. It's alright. We've only dropped 1%. No need for panic.

6. He's like a latter-day Raymond Snoddy.

7. It doesn't matter who wins the US elections. Nothing will change. It's a two-horse race and both horses are owned by the same people.

8. Stripes aren't supposed to make you fatter.

9. Ha ha ha! Perhaps you know me by my other name... Doctor Faustus!

10. She talks a lot, doesn't she?

2nd October 2008

1. She's on tour with Judas Preist, doing the make-up.

2. But this was no ordinary Apache helicopter!

3. If you need someone for Strictly, give me a bell.

4. I kissed a girl, and I liked it. The taste of her Terry Pratchett.

5. I'll do it. I'm a risk taker.

6. J'habite dans la petite maison.

7. You know Perry Mitchell from Eastenders? He goes to my pub. He's got a dog like that.

8. When I walk past Planet Organic, I always make sure I shout some abuse.

9. This bloke started talking to me about how they are widening the M25. How boring is that?

10. It's always special when someone leaves me a copy of The Sun instead of Metro.

25th September 2008

1. Oh yes. Let's all laugh at George Bush... because that hasn't been done before, has it?

2. I had never seen Big Ben until about three weeks ago. There was a tourist taking pictures and I thought "What the fuck?"

3. They put me in a bubble.

4. She likes Irish men, but that's alright, I suppose.

5. I mean, it's a gym, not a men's toilet.

6. You want to come to John's birthday party tomorrow? We can drink beer and play video games!

7. Do you ever feel like you exist? I mean, look at my face, it's like a painted picture.

8. I could feel the piss coming but I couldn't stop it.

9. I hate the way they call the airport London Luton. Since when has Luton been part of London?

10. This city is filthy.

18th September 2008

1. It makes no difference to me whether you talk or not.

2. I've got a lot of respect for Hans Segers.

3. It's all part of my magnificent philanthropy.

4. Jasper likes jumping out of windows, don't you?

5. She's from Bolivia. It's part of America.

6. We went to the Francis Bacon exhibition. It's good but it's very depressing.

7. Every day I look at my sunglasses and think, "No. Not today."

8. You're talking about rawl plugs, aren't you?

9. Why is the sky so green?

10. I'm using it as a bookmark.

11th September 2008

1. I'm sick of painting by numbers. I want to create and not be the same. Why should I put blue in all the number 3s?

2. You shouldn't trust him. He's clever.

3. Oh I hate Woolworths! It's so depressing!

4. The best thing about grapes is grape juice.

5. They're going to make a film of The Hobbit. Probably with midgets.

6. This is summer's last hurrah.

7. I like burping, it's relaxing!

8. This is Japanese beef, yeah? And they feed the cows beer and massage them.

9. You can't eat it... it's cocoa butter.

10. We're here, we're queer, we don't like Germaine Greer.

4th September 2008

1. I had to go to the hospital, I've got three kidneys.

2. If you can unfold the bed, you're welcome to it.

3. You can't expect the future to unfold in a linear progression. There's always anomolies.

4. He likes being Scottish, but he doesn't like being in Scotland.

5. If I had a pound for every battery thrown at me...

6. Asians are good at the internet.

7. I've never been to Dagenham. I don't suppose I ever will. I don't feel ashamed about it.

8. I definately wouldn't go out with a man named Winston.

9. What happens at kids parties these days? Do they all have guns and bandanas?

10. Didn't Nelly used to have a sticker on his face?

28th August 2008

1. You can't have a church without a steeple.

2. The thing with trams is that tourists keep getting run over, which is great.

3. Simon's getting his face fixed.

4. I don't know everything. I'm not Gandhi.

5. Hold your nose. There's a smell of death.

6. Do you know where I can find The Houses of Parliament?

7. Most football fans just sing the same songs, but they change the words.

8. Why would someone from The Wire appear in a Guy Ritchie film?

9. I just got stopped by a Frenchman asking me out on a date.

10. You can't take upskirt photos anymore... the cameras make a beeping sound.

21st August 2008

1. Those Coke glasses at McDonalds are certainly popular.

2. I've gotta stop. Last Christmas, the whole family was there, and I kept on sneaking off to see how Spurs were doing.

3. They send a film crew. They were probably from Estonian telly, but it still counts.

4. He's a gay South African. He's got plenty to worry about.

5. Why do they employ people who you can't understand?

6. Ah! The very man I wanted to avoid.

7. There was no ransom note attached. It's all very suspicious.

8. You shouldn't mistake self-loathing for real insight... unless you're drunk.

9. Elvis was born in Tupelo. I think that's where the band got their name from.

10. Nah, I'm between projects at the moment.

14th August 2008

1. And the courgettes, they go mad.

2. Gold. Weapons. Oil. Silver. They're all good investments.

3. How many fucking wankers does it take to change a lightbulb? You. Just you.

4. There's always some Japanese tourist at Kings Cross, lugging a suitcase in front of me.

5. I showered love on her... I really did...

6. Grief. You don't know the meaning of the word.

7. Olympic medals don't mean the stabbing stops, does it?

8. Thirty grand for sitting down and occasionally pressing a button... not bad.

9. I swear I've seen more people drinking on the tube since the ban started.

10. I've lost my spork.

7th August 2008

1. Lunch? I don't even know what lunch is anymore.

2. If colour had smell, man, that’s the smell of brown!

3. Pencils... check. Ham sandwich... check. A-Z... check. Bollocks.

4. Who wants to smell like Britney Spears?

5. I'm just going to tell them I work well under pressure.

6. That's what you call a grandstand finish.

7. I was down Southend seafront at the weekend, everyone was Polish!

8. This poor girl was literally covered in shit.

9. They're remaking Knight Rider, aren't they? Surely the end of the world is nigh.

10. Why don't people ever talk on my daily route? Eeugh!

31st July 2008

1. Actually, it's not illegal if the vodka is in a Coke bottle.

2. We need a whore for the garden.

3. Fuck me, the tourists attack.

4. I haven't sat down on the tube for about three months.

5. They should make deodorant a compulsory part of tube travel. Sure could sponsor it. They'd make a fortune.

6. Malaysia? That's in Indonesia, isn't it?

7. What does that prove? That God is a Rocker!

8. This is Anastasia, my partner in crime.

9. He just keeps dragging his bum across the floor and I don't know what to do about it.

10. Could you please stop singing?

24th July 2008

1. Obviously, their 5-star hotels aren't the same as our 5-star hotels.

2. I'm just a glove machine.

3. That, my friend, is why I'm a former copper and not a serving copper.

4. He is really full-on wooing her.

5. This little chav kid was sitting on the swings and spent about 20 minutes screaming at his mum to push him. Very council.

6. I don't see how anyone can be offended by a piggy bank. No-one's asking anyone to eat it...

7. How can I be racist? I'm half Italian!

8. Jason Bateman likes to walk his dog over my face.

9. What's the worst medical procedure you've ever had?

10. She won't talk to either of us, but she happy to take our money.

17th July 2008

1. Ok babe, I'm off scrumping!

2. That was the longest 10 minutes of my life.

3. I don't really speak much Polish. All I can say is Polski Sklep.

4. It makes me so angry that I want to drive up the motorway in my Range Rover chucking food out of the window.

5. The guy in the Sugar Puffs advert is the same guy who plays Fate is the dating ads, isn't he?

6. I once met Tibor Fischer.

7. It's bloody outrageous. Not one Circle Line train is going beyond Edgware Road.

8. Bebo seems to be quite popular with kids who want to shoot each other.

9. It's chalky, not chewy.

10. A load of American girls got on, and they were all wearing Liverpool shirts.

10th July 2008

1. Who on earth ends sentences with "Cheery-bye"?

2. On the bus down Green Lanes I saw two muggings and some chav girl screaming her head off at a Sikh guy.

3. I like my nose now. I've grown into it.

4. The problem with working with kids is that you end up with nits.

5. Poor old Boris.

6. I tried a public loo for the first time in ages. I paid 20p, went in, saw a load of shit and walked out.

7. The W3 is diverted. Ferme Park Road is underwater.

8. We really enjoyed our time in Frome.

9. It was a self-catering cubicle.

10. Big Phil Scolari? I assumed it was ironic and he was really tiny. Like a midget.

3rd July 2008

1. And then we invaded Canada for no reason.

2. Do you wanna go dancing Saturday? No! not clubbing! Dancing!'

3. Cack-handed just means left-handed. It's Arabic or something.

4. LA's not really a theatre town.

5. When she turned up the dog went mental. That tells you something.

6. Where's the hash key?

7. I had to ask him what a snaggle check was... fortunately he gave me the all clear.

8. All that fuss about Jay-Z... I've seen loads of rappers at Glastonbury.

9. Pickpockets, eh?

10. She eats frozen chips, straight from the freezer.

26th June 2008

1. It's like Mad Max, only much more gorier.

2. Everyone's going to a hen night at G.A.Y. It's for a civil ceremony.

3. She's not really into food management.

4. I call the remote control "the merote".

5. And that's when you wonder how you managed with such a small fridge.

6. Some guy has worked out where you have to stand on every platform so that when you get off the train you're by the exit.

7. Who decides to become a proctologist?

8. She's got a walk-in cupboard full of her dead boyfriends.

9. We're like two teas in a pod.

10. Wind your neck in, cunto.

19th June 2008

1. I'm going all freaky. I'm liking shit that I never thought I'd like.

2. Always time for a Brazil nut.

3. I dunno, he did spend a lot of time accosting strangers with a pink ukelele

4. Half an eggshell is enough. Really.

5. I'm looking forward to watching Wimbledon and not seeing Tim Henman's parents in the crowd.

6. Who is the person who makes the announcements? Is it someone famous?

7. Some people get so angry. I don't think they realise they're making such a fuss in public.

8. If you don't get children, you just don't do it.

9. I'm off to Dubai next week. I can live like a rock star for eight pounds an hour.

10. Why is it that bin stories figure consistently in the world's news?

12th June 2008

1. That Pythagoras doesnae exist. He's just a fucking theorem. Like Einstein. If Pythagoras exists, show me a fucking picture.

2. A lot of people don't actually think that Hugo Chavez is a very nice person.

3. I got out of a beige bed wearing a beige t-shirt and put on beige trousers. You know... got a bit lost in the wall.

4. He keeps leaving notes on the fridge. Suicide notes.

5. I never thought I'd wear Converse.

6. It's ok. It's too long and it's black and white and it's French and everyone dies at the end.

7. Is there a cheeseboard?

8. All that press over Heath Ledger... and yet no-one seemed to notice when Brad Renfro died.

9. Wait... I am sure Boris also banned making out on the tube.

10. I think they're pins, I mean - they're not needles...

5th June 2008

1. What could you possibly do with A-Levels in food technology and social care? She's not going to be a lawyer with that.

2. The other day, about five years ago...

3. Don't be stupid... Chinese food and Japanese food are the exact same thing.

4. Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Because you smell like birdseed.

5. Is that the one without eyebrows?

6. Let me check on my GMTV time.

7. Have you seen that Zeitgeist film? It's about religion and finance.

8. We're going up to Kenwood for a picnic.

9. I don't have a television. I just watch YouTube.

10. You can't copy and paste "in Portugal" for some reason.

29th May 2008

1. Emos, Emus, they're all the same; pale looking grumpy birds dressed in black.

2. Yeah, it's going ok. Except I fancy my boss. He's married, two kids.

3. Okey dokey, I'll see you later after I've dumped my boyfriend.

4. I told you before... I'm not allowed to go into the Post Office anymore.

5. Did you eat my lunch again?

6. I got these... Giorgio Armani... five Euros they cost me.

7. Hey bruv, is this the way to Kentish Town?

8. He's not smoking anymore. He spends all his time chewing on one of those plastic cigarettes.

9. I always end up with short men.

10. If you want to see a woman in a burkha, go to Primark on Oxford Street. It's full of them.

22nd May 2008

1. Have you let one off? Fuck bro, that stinks.

2. The funny thing is though i keep waking up with odd socks on.

3. Look at everyone, out and about, having fun. What fools.

4. It was raining, except i wouldnt normally mind, but the gerbil was soaking.

5. Most of the unicycle hockey team came from Cambridge.

6. You've lost weight. You'll be too thin to get through the door.

7. I like that Midsomer Murders. All the stars have been in it. And Jane Asher.

8. I have schizophrenic eyes.

9. Who does she think she is? You're underage! I don't give a fuck about your friends.

10. There was some line-dancing going on at the wedding, by the way.

15th May 2008

1. I just absolutely can't support Australia when it comes to sport.

2. Oh my god, I've been drinking non-alcoholic beer!

3. Naughty boy! No babycino for you!

4. Everyone knows you don't have sex on your wedding night anyway

5. And then she said, Oh I'm going to Cannes. My friend Benicio will be there, y'know Benicio? The Actor!

6. My mum went on holiday and suddenly it's hot!

7. You are so obtuse!

8. I never understand why Jesus didn't use his superpowers to escape the Romans.

9. Do they use the Black Sabbath song in the film?

10. The problem with women is that they're just too wet.

8th May 2008

1. Steve, Miquita and Alexa are all going. You know Steve don't you? Oh of course you do - the Welsh mafia.

2. My breast just went all the way down to the end of the tube.

3. I woke up and he was doing a headstand on my shoes.

4. Was this before or after the nose job?

5. Don't talk to him. He might stab you.

6. The first season is ok, but a bit formulaic. The second series is much more morally ambiguous and all the better for it.

7. The woman's muffin is calling and asking me to eat it.

8. She thinks that being famous is getting on Flashbox.

9. Shit. My phone is still in bed.

10. Jeeves, fetch me my pipe and slippers! And gin! I must have gin.

1st May 2008

1. Oyster card? In Scotland, it's called a Haggis Card.

2. I swear he would've eaten that pigeon as well if I hadn't been there.

3. The new Portishead stuff is well dull - if Isee another 5 star review im gonna go mental.

4. She can't even kill herself right.

5. Of course, RD Laing was vilified for his approach to treating schizophrenia.

6. It's handball. It's handball. It doesn't matter what direction the ball is going.

7. I've got a 20 megapixel face.

8. Busy? It's been superbusy!

9. I just don't know what it is about me that attracts stalkers.

10. Stop cussin' my eyebrows you condom.

24th April 2008

1. She just started crying. It was brilliant.

2. I had cheesy chips, yeah, and then I fell asleep and he had the rest of my cheese.

3. This is Moorgate. It's not Margate? That's far away innit?

4. You can't spin around under some trees with a camera and call it an art film.

5. Madonna... where do I begin? It's embarrassing seeing a 50-year-old trying to dance like that.

6. It's classic White Coat hypertension.

7. Do halogen lamps give you cancer?

8. How does a Chinaman hold an election?

9. Ooh, he's such a German. He's always starting things and then running away.

10. It's supposed to relax me, but my arm isn't getting enough oxygen and it's stressing me out.

17th April 2008

1. It's not for me, it's for the dog, innit.

2. I have far too much pride to go scurrying around under an umbrella.

3. It's the children I feel sorry for.

4. Crab lotion?

5. Money... all my money goes on Tesco's and sanitaries.

6. Are you Polish? Or do you come from Europe?

7. Well what can I do? He's put food in my mouth, and he's put weed in my mouth.

8. Mel gibson? He can't be in another film, I'm sure I saw him get his head chopped off in Braveheart.

9. Sometimes I wish I was my mum.

10. I bought a pair of slippers in Asda for £2.50!

10th April 2008

1. I've got a Barney Gumble bottle-opener. Does that count?

2. When you're ready to talk, you know where I am.

3. Why is Charing Cross hospital in Hammersmith? It's misleading.

4. That 50 quid is spending money for court.

5. Bring back hanging! For one night only!

6. I think he used to have something to do with World of Twist.

7. You have to step back to appreciate it. It is like a pointillist painting.

8. Sasuke kun!

9. I've started carry around a plastic bag with me... just in case I go shopping.

10. There are trees and there are leafs and there's the sky and there are willies.

3rd April 2008

1. If one sausage raises your chances of cancer by 20% then 5 sausages mean that you're 100% guaranteed to get cancer.

2. The doctor told me it's contagious, so I'm not coming into work today.

3. You shouldn't be spending more than a pound on an ashtray.

4. He's like Jabba the Hutt, only thinner.

5. I believe in the Olympiad, I think its in my top 5 favourite things ever.

6. Don't you find it strange how many people resemble hard boiled eggs?

7. I don't know why on earth she's gone and ordered a bouncy castle; I mean, it could chuck it down!

8. Remind me - what is the Latin word for fruit?

9. Who attacks someone with a phone?

10. The year... 1387. The place.... Denmark.

27th March 2008

1. Careful. There's coffee.

2. Why is your mum so fat?

3. Could someone please explain Mariah Carey to me? I just don't get it.

4. It's spelt chamois but it's pronounced "shammy".

5. We're drifting, aren't we?

6. There's this desert called a "crazy chocolate overload". I thought it was "crazy chocolate overlord". You know... like Robert Mugabe.

7. How are you supposed to know which are the last carriages and which are the first?

8. There is no place for you in the great rock pantheon.

9. Believe me, there's nothing sexy about a bath full of tea-lights.

10. Simon? Can you hear me? It's Betty. Your wife.

20th March 2008

1. I managed to convince my girlfriend that Tasmin Archer was responsible for planning the war in Iraq.

2. Yes, I think she's the Aretha Franklin of fish.

3. It's a rubber washer. That's all you need.

4. They were the finest loafers you'll ever see.

5. How are you enjoying the Force?

6. She gets on the bus and there's 20 kids. They've got a stereo and they're playing music out loud but no-one dares complain.

7. Why are you sending me weird texts? It wasn't even addressed to me, it was to my girlfriend.

8. It explicitly says you shouldn't put cotton buds in your ears.

9. I half expected Cloverfield to be a film about butter.

10. I don't like Ken. I don't like Boris and I'm not convinced about the gay policeman. If I could vote for myself I would.

13th March 2008

1. ...and so I said that word "bastard".

2. When someone asks me who I admire, I'm not going to say Branson or Gandhi. I'm going to say Bono.

3. Come back with your dad. He'll get you a monkey.

4. You can never have enough Ghostface Killah albums.

5. It's like being beheaded every day.

6. Easter is for fat people and children.

7. It's quite an interesting look... I like to call it Rustic Imam.

8. Why would anyone move to Holland?

9. Your whole family could live in a giant IKEA bag.

10. You know what I love? Pens that can write on DVDs.

6th March 2008

1. You have to swirl it in your mouth, like a blue M&M. She'll move for you.

2. Is it a baby? A plant? No! A man with a moustache.

3. Now you have done it. You are on a sticky wicket, and no mistake.

4. Wake me up when we get to Amarillo. I've had enough.

5. Don't provoke him. He's a nutjob.

6. Tell me that's not a hammer.

7. We've all had a go on her soapy cakes.

8. I love Chelsea. I seen over 70 games live you know. Even the pay-per-view ones.

9. D'ya reckon gays masturbate with dildos?

10. That Joy Division film was a bit depressing. I suppose I should have expected it... I already knew the ending.

28th February 2008

1. Who keeps paper money on glass shelves?

2. You are the Sahara. This is the boat. And... go!

3. I'm stuttering like a Japanese interpreter.

4. Your leg looks disproportionate as well.

5. Vin doesn't care about anyone else, he's got his own uni-cycle!

6. Boris has had four wives. He's on his fourth one.

7. But I would have eaten the beef bourguignon! You were the one having a beef with her about the beef bourguignon!

8. What's global warming again? We haven't done it in science yet.

9. I know I was out of order. That's why I came back.

10. How do you spell ankles?

21st February 2008

1. In that photo you look so buff... you're such a disappointment.

2. Hi, Is that Julie? This is Wee Wee.

3. There’s this bloke at work. He’s obsessed with midgets.

4. I could just buy a massive tractor.

5. He's going to kill the cats? He is going to poison the cats? Oh, he's Italian.

6. My friend Rhodri has the A-Z on his phone.

7. They close Highgate. Do they warn us? Do they fuck?

8. Have you ever clubbed someone to death with a remote control? It's very satisfying.

9. I'd be quite embarrassed if I won a Brit Award.

10. Julian Cope doesn't appear in public anymore. I think he's some kind of druid nowadays.

14th February 2008

1. You can't get through to him. He's just not rationable.

2. I've had it for about a week. There's no mould on it, so you can probably eat it.

3. Who holds up a four year old child to protect themselves?

4. I wish I could break her hands and feet so she can't get about to do any more damage.

5. He turns up outside her house, at her work, she sees him when she picks up the kids. It's scary.

6. Do you look in the mirror before you leave the house?

7. I don't know what went wrong. I have a great relationship with Michael and I have a great relationship with Frank.

8. That man smells of Strongbow.

9. Excuse me... you're snoring.

10. You have to guess the person, but you can't ask direct questions. That's Botticelli.

7th February 2008

1. His phone is from the future. It scares me.

2. A lot of the young comedians seem to have beards and I don't like it one bit.

3. It's creamy... almost buttery.

4. You remind me of that bible story about the drowning man who expects God to save him.

5. What are you wearing? Underneath your pants?

6. Does my face look big?

7. Everyone goes to the Hawley Arms in the hope of seeing Amy Winehouse.

8. He works in a joinery on Fortis Green Road.

9. You can't send sperm in the post; it has to be cryogenically frozen or it'll go off.

10. How do you spell Luis Boa Morte?

31st January 2008

1. It all depends on us getting a new logo.

2. Yeah, all the roads around here are named after dead people.

3. What's global warming again? We haven't done it in science yet.

4. I know I was out of order. That's why I came back.

5. How many points do you get for punching a poof?

6. It's not like the YMCA don't know what you do.

7. Imagine if we stood here like this forever.

8. Mitt Romney? That's not even a name.

9. Did you know that All Souls College doesn't even have any students? It's only for professors?

10. I much prefer Buzzcocks now that it's Simon Amstell instead of Mark Lamarr.

24th January 2008

1. Whenever I'm using Mr Sheen I think of the West Wing.

2. We were in the doctors waiting room and there was this old woman with this evil, alien voice. She was probably ill.

3. The Evening Standard don't really seem to like Ken Livingstone.

4. Wallace and Grommit. Is there ANYTHING more annoying?

5. Last week I noticed that all the seats were taken by men and everyone standing up was a woman.

6. Why are Egypt in the African Cup of Nations?

7. Have you tried the olive tapenade? It's glorious.

8. Do you remember when the Fantastic Four saved the London Eye? I saw it on the news.

9. How can people get so upset about the death of some guy that they never even met?

10. That man just stuck his tongue out.

17th January 2008

1. And she came into the office in this trench coat, with, like, two sawn-off shotguns.

2. What's your three favourite fish?

3. I remember reading in Asterix about how the English boiled their meat until there was no flavour left.

4. The stock market. Now it is to be broken.

5. Chelsea tracksuit. Bad skin. Greasy hair. Wanker.

6. 2Mb isn't superfast, is it?

7. I can fit 12 coffee cup sleeves onto each hand.

8. Fucking hell. More lifts. Don't any of the stations have escalators anymore?

9. It's a good example of a Fibonacci sequence in nature. In this case, in a vegetable.

10. Did they name Black Grape after the drink?

10th January 2008

1. He seems to have found his niche. He's wearing converse and hanging out with indie kids.

2. ...and I told him I didn't care how many tea towels he had I wasn't letting him rub it on me...

3. She'd actually left the tops on the carrots. Perhaps that's how they cook them in Brazil.

4. East Ham and West Ham are just two sides of a village called Ham.

5. You just want to kill me, innit?

6. All i said was, if your girlfried was pregnant and, like, lactating, right, would you not find it kinky to milk her?

7. Who spells Jack with an I?

8. To be fair mate, it's your call. Just don't tell her I told you.

9. Why isn't there a universal shoe size measuring system?

10. Have no fear, Graham's here.

3rd January 2008

1. I've got some really good porn on this mobile, proper offensive.

2. There are two kinds of trees: evergreen and deciduous. And they were both made by God.

3. It's horrible but I'm going to have to fail you.

4. Joshua, I'm going to get you some apple juice and you will like it. It's organic.

5. The Indian guy in Heroes is from India, so he's probably Hindu, not Muslim.

6. if London is the greatest city on earth why is it full of such fucking idiots...

7. The Sugababes have really let themselves down.

8. When I get that feeling, I go to sexual Ealing.

9. Of all the commentators, and I'm including John Motson, Andy Gray is by far the worst.

10. My mother-in-Law bought me nipple tassels for Christmas... I'm quite glad I spiked her drink now.

Please note: none of the statements on the page reflect the personal views of themanwhofellasleep. If you send me something you've overheard, I'll try to include it. I may polish up the spelling, but that's it. Contributions to Tube Gossip are copyright Greg Stekelman and permission to reproduce all or part of any contribution must be given by me! If you want to post some quotes on your blog and include a link back to here, fine! If you want to rip off the page and reprint it as though it's your own idea, you're a very silly person.