We all eavesdrop on the tube. (Except if plugged into Ipod/mother)

The following are quotes I have overheard on the London Underground.

Are they real? Or are they just the feverish imaginings of a diseased mind? It's up to you to decide.

1. Oyster card? In Scotland, it's called a Haggis Card.

2. I swear he would've eaten that pigeon as well if I hadn't been there.

3. The new Portishead stuff is well dull - if Isee another 5 star review im gonna go mental.

4. She can't even kill herself right.

5. Of course, RD Laing was vilified for his approach to treating schizophrenia.

6. It's handball. It's handball. It doesn't matter what direction the ball is going.

7. I've got a 20 megapixel face.

8. Busy? It's been superbusy!

9. I just don't know what it is about me that attracts stalkers.

10. Stop cussin' my eyebrows you condom.

1. She just started crying. It was brilliant.

2. I had cheesy chips, yeah, and then I fell asleep and he had the rest of my cheese.

3. This is Moorgate. It's not Margate? That's far away innit?

4. You can't spin around under some trees with a camera and call it an art film.

5. Madonna... where do I begin? It's embarrassing seeing a 50-year-old trying to dance like that.

6. It's classic White Coat hypertension.

7. Do halogen lamps give you cancer?

8. How does a Chinaman hold an election?

9. Ooh, he's such a German. He's always starting things and then running away.

10. It's supposed to relax me, but my arm isn't getting enough oxygen and it's stressing me out.

1. It's not for me, it's for the dog, innit.

2. I have far too much pride to go scurrying around under an umbrella.

3. It's the children I feel sorry for.

4. Crab lotion?

5. Money... all my money goes on Tesco's and sanitaries.

6. Are you Polish? Or do you come from Europe?

7. Well what can I do? He's put food in my mouth, and he's put weed in my mouth.

8. Mel gibson? He can't be in another film, I'm sure I saw him get his head chopped off in Braveheart.

9. Sometimes I wish I was my mum.

10. I bought a pair of slippers in Asda for £2.50!

1. I've got a Barney Gumble bottle-opener. Does that count?

2. When you're ready to talk, you know where I am.

3. Why is Charing Cross hospital in Hammersmith? It's misleading.

4. That 50 quid is spending money for court.

5. Bring back hanging! For one night only!

6. I think he used to have something to do with World of Twist.

7. You have to step back to appreciate it. It is like a pointillist painting.

8. Sasuke kun!

9. I've started carry around a plastic bag with me... just in case I go shopping.

10. There are trees and there are leafs and there's the sky and there are willies.

1. If one sausage raises your chances of cancer by 20% then 5 sausages mean that you're 100% guaranteed to get cancer.

2. The doctor told me it's contagious, so I'm not coming into work today.

3. You shouldn't be spending more than a pound on an ashtray.

4. He's like Jabba the Hutt, only thinner.

5. I believe in the Olympiad, I think its in my top 5 favourite things ever.

6. Don't you find it strange how many people resemble hard boiled eggs?

7. I don't know why on earth she's gone and ordered a bouncy castle; I mean, it could chuck it down!

8. Remind me - what is the Latin word for fruit?

9. Who attacks someone with a phone?

10. The year... 1387. The place.... Denmark.

1. Careful. There's coffee.

2. Why is your mum so fat?

3. Could someone please explain Mariah Carey to me? I just don't get it.

4. It's spelt chamois but it's pronounced "shammy".

5. We're drifting, aren't we?

6. There's this desert called a "crazy chocolate overload". I thought it was "crazy chocolate overlord". You know... like Robert Mugabe.

7. How are you supposed to know which are the last carriages and which are the first?

8. There is no place for you in the great rock pantheon.

9. Believe me, there's nothing sexy about a bath full of tea-lights.

10. Simon? Can you hear me? It's Betty. Your wife.

1. I managed to convince my girlfriend that Tasmin Archer was responsible for planning the war in Iraq.

2. Yes, I think she's the Aretha Franklin of fish.

3. It's a rubber washer. That's all you need.

4. They were the finest loafers you'll ever see.

5. How are you enjoying the Force?

6. She gets on the bus and there's 20 kids. They've got a stereo and they're playing music out loud but no-one dares complain.

7. Why are you sending me weird texts? It wasn't even addressed to me, it was to my girlfriend.

8. It explicitly says you shouldn't put cotton buds in your ears.

9. I half expected Cloverfield to be a film about butter.

10. I don't like Ken. I don't like Boris and I'm not convinced about the gay policeman. If I could vote for myself I would.

1. ...and so I said that word "bastard".

2. When someone asks me who I admire, I'm not going to say Branson or Gandhi. I'm going to say Bono.

3. Come back with your dad. He'll get you a monkey.

4. You can never have enough Ghostface Killah albums.

5. It's like being beheaded every day.

6. Easter is for fat people and children.

7. It's quite an interesting look... I like to call it Rustic Imam.

8. Why would anyone move to Holland?

9. Your whole family could live in a giant IKEA bag.

10. You know what I love? Pens that can write on DVDs.

1. You have to swirl it in your mouth, like a blue M&M. She'll move for you.

2. Is it a baby? A plant? No! A man with a moustache.

3. Now you have done it. You are on a sticky wicket, and no mistake.

4. Wake me up when we get to Amarillo. I've had enough.

5. Don't provoke him. He's a nutjob.

6. Tell me that's not a hammer.

7. We've all had a go on her soapy cakes.

8. I love Chelsea. I seen over 70 games live you know. Even the pay-per-view ones.

9. D'ya reckon gays masturbate with dildos?

10. That Joy Division film was a bit depressing. I suppose I should have expected it... I already knew the ending.

1. Who keeps paper money on glass shelves?

2. You are the Sahara. This is the boat. And... go!

3. I'm stuttering like a Japanese interpreter.

4. Your leg looks disproportionate as well.

5. Vin doesn't care about anyone else, he's got his own uni-cycle!

6. Boris has had four wives. He's on his fourth one.

7. But I would have eaten the beef bourguignon! You were the one having a beef with her about the beef bourguignon!

8. What's global warming again? We haven't done it in science yet.

9. I know I was out of order. That's why I came back.

10. How do you spell ankles?

1. In that photo you look so buff... you're such a disappointment.

2. Hi, Is that Julie? This is Wee Wee.

3. There’s this bloke at work. He’s obsessed with midgets.

4. I could just buy a massive tractor.

5. He's going to kill the cats? He is going to poison the cats? Oh, he's Italian.

6. My friend Rhodri has the A-Z on his phone.

7. They close Highgate. Do they warn us? Do they fuck?

8. Have you ever clubbed someone to death with a remote control? It's very satisfying.

9. I'd be quite embarrassed if I won a Brit Award.

10. Julian Cope doesn't appear in public anymore. I think he's some kind of druid nowadays.

1. You can't get through to him. He's just not rationable.

2. I've had it for about a week. There's no mould on it, so you can probably eat it.

3. Who holds up a four year old child to protect themselves?

4. I wish I could break her hands and feet so she can't get about to do any more damage.

5. He turns up outside her house, at her work, she sees him when she picks up the kids. It's scary.

6. Do you look in the mirror before you leave the house?

7. I don't know what went wrong. I have a great relationship with Michael and I have a great relationship with Frank.

8. That man smells of Strongbow.

9. Excuse me... you're snoring.

10. You have to guess the person, but you can't ask direct questions. That's Botticelli.

1. His phone is from the future. It scares me.

2. A lot of the young comedians seem to have beards and I don't like it one bit.

3. It's creamy... almost buttery.

4. You remind me of that bible story about the drowning man who expects God to save him.

5. What are you wearing? Underneath your pants?

6. Does my face look big?

7. Everyone goes to the Hawley Arms in the hope of seeing Amy Winehouse.

8. He works in a joinery on Fortis Green Road.

9. You can't send sperm in the post; it has to be cryogenically frozen or it'll go off.

10. How do you spell Luis Boa Morte?

1. It all depends on us getting a new logo.

2. Yeah, all the roads around here are named after dead people.

3. What's global warming again? We haven't done it in science yet.

4. I know I was out of order. That's why I came back.

5. How many points do you get for punching a poof?

6. It's not like the YMCA don't know what you do.

7. Imagine if we stood here like this forever.

8. Mitt Romney? That's not even a name.

9. Did you know that All Souls College doesn't even have any students? It's only for professors?

10. I much prefer Buzzcocks now that it's Simon Amstell instead of Mark Lamarr.

1. Whenever I'm using Mr Sheen I think of the West Wing.

2. We were in the doctors waiting room and there was this old woman with this evil, alien voice. She was probably ill.

3. The Evening Standard don't really seem to like Ken Livingstone.

4. Wallace and Grommit. Is there ANYTHING more annoying?

5. Last week I noticed that all the seats were taken by men and everyone standing up was a woman.

6. Why are Egypt in the African Cup of Nations?

7. Have you tried the olive tapenade? It's glorious.

8. Do you remember when the Fantastic Four saved the London Eye? I saw it on the news.

9. How can people get so upset about the death of some guy that they never even met?

10. That man just stuck his tongue out.

1. And she came into the office in this trench coat, with, like, two sawn-off shotguns.

2. What's your three favourite fish?

3. I remember reading in Asterix about how the English boiled their meat until there was no flavour left.

4. The stock market. Now it is to be broken.

5. Chelsea tracksuit. Bad skin. Greasy hair. Wanker.

6. 2Mb isn't superfast, is it?

7. I can fit 12 coffee cup sleeves onto each hand.

8. Fucking hell. More lifts. Don't any of the stations have escalators anymore?

9. It's a good example of a Fibonacci sequence in nature. In this case, in a vegetable.

10. Did they name Black Grape after the drink?

1. He seems to have found his niche. He's wearing converse and hanging out with indie kids.

2. ...and I told him I didn't care how many tea towels he had I wasn't letting him rub it on me...

3. She'd actually left the tops on the carrots. Perhaps that's how they cook them in Brazil.

4. East Ham and West Ham are just two sides of a village called Ham.

5. You just want to kill me, innit?

6. All i said was, if your girlfried was pregnant and, like, lactating, right, would you not find it kinky to milk her?

7. Who spells Jack with an I?

8. To be fair mate, it's your call. Just don't tell her I told you.

9. Why isn't there a universal shoe size measuring system?

10. Have no fear, Graham's here.

1. I've got some really good porn on this mobile, proper offensive.

2. There are two kinds of trees: evergreen and deciduous. And they were both made by God.

3. It's horrible but I'm going to have to fail you.

4. Joshua, I'm going to get you some apple juice and you will like it. It's organic.

5. The Indian guy in Heroes is from India, so he's probably Hindu, not Muslim.

6. if London is the greatest city on earth why is it full of such fucking idiots...

7. The Sugababes have really let themselves down.

8. When I get that feeling, I go to sexual Ealing.

9. Of all the commentators, and I'm including John Motson, Andy Gray is by far the worst.

10. My mother-in-Law bought me nipple tassels for Christmas... I'm quite glad I spiked her drink now.

1. It was all foreigners.

2. All I want to do is watch Alvin and the Chipmunks.

3. Jimi Hendrix used to live round here.

4. It's a wooden box, a bit like a coffin, but with round ends.

5. Hello! Yes! We met last week, I think.

6. Why did he run away when you asked him if he wanted something to eat?

7. Christmas is a time for forgiveness. And space travel.

8. Just because it's set in India, they make out like it's culturally condescending.

9. What you gonna do? Fuck a footballer?

10. I spent ages arguing with her over whether or not my neighbour has a moustache.

1. Who brings a baby to a party?

2. You know, you never look as bad naked as you think you do.

3. I tell you what, I hate that fat little fuck from Little Britain.

4. In hindsight, no, I shouldn't have married him.

5. It's just bitter grapes, is all.

6. There's an event at RIBA. except you can't call it RIBA any more...

7. Why are the Chinese so underrepresented in porn?

8. She spends all day talking about curtains and wallpaper.

9. Dad, is this a tubular train?

10. I can't believe Alan Davies would do that. I absolutely love him!

1. What perfume am I wearing? It's called Febreze.

2. That kind of woman will bring you down, man. Bring you down...

3. Can't stand ginger people. I don't mind Leslie, but she's an exception.

4. I know what I am. I'm an alpha female and I like it.

5. She sellotaped her face to a dog.

6. It's quite cool using her car... because of course she's got one of those disabled stickers

7. I'm a size 12, but I can be a size 8 any time I like.

8. We call dad Wallet and mum Laundry.

9. Were you also on the 43 bus?

10. I'm gonna teach you how to use ugly men for money and shoes.

1. Well you're not like John Terry are you, because he's not a cock.

2. The middle ear? Is that the lobe?

3. I love gospel. I swear, I'd be religious if I was black.

4. He dumped her because she wasn't me.

5. I sometimes got to Cambridge and see Stephen Hawkings running around...well...not running so much as wheeling...

6. Xavier! Wait here! Xavier!

7. Yeah, Saville Row is the fucking nuts for clothes shops, man.

8. It's just like speed dating, but you get to paint a pot too!

9. Well, I already have an elephant, so ... no pressure...

10. Do you think Marmite was made to spite people?

1. And I was like: "Sir! You can't say that! That's so rude!"

2. When does the Quest start? I've already found the silver trumpet.

3. I think if I had one wish, it would be to have a cake made in the shape of my body... and then have the Spice Girls come and eat it with me.

4. Ate some mango soap.

5. His name's Eros. He's the Greek God of Love.

6. Standard! Ordinary!... Bog of the range!

7. What can I say? I love my life.

8. I am going on a guided tour by myself.

9. If she dies, I'm going to have to write a book about her.

10. You know, not everything you say is funny.

1. V....v...v...v... Viacom!

2. Are you home? I thought I might check in on you.

3. I don't own you and you don't own me. Now do as I say.

4. Are you still going out with Alfie? Does he love you?

5. Of course, when I talk about satellites, I'm not including the moon.

6. You don't buy a dog and then shit in your own mouth.

7. Why not just print blank pages? That way there's no ink on your hands, and you don't have to read all that rubbish.

8. Maybe it's time we got a virtual pet.

9. He used to drink three double whiskies before he started work. He was always crashing his forklift.

10. I don't understand why you can't smoke. It's an overground station and you're outside.

1. What do you call that bit when you stop fasting at the end of Ramadan?

2. You should shave tonight otherwise you'll just have to do it tomorrow.

3. All the seats were free, and she comes and sits right next to me.

4. Do you play golf? Do you have a caddy... do you have a butler?

5. I feel quite buttery.

6. What you gonna do? Dip the cigarettes in taramasalata?

7. Die, die, die, die, die, die.

8. Right now I'm channelling Freddie Mercury.

9. All the women characters are really needy and whiny. It's quite accurate, I suppose.

10. My friend once saw a bloke wanking on the top deck of a bus.

1. Justin's dog is moving in with us.

2. Where's the remote control?

3. You have contributed nothing to this, as usual.

4. I get really fuzzy ITV and a bit of BBC1.

5. ...yeah, but it's just set too low. Why should the rest of us freeze just 'coz she's a fat bitch?

6. Yeah, she looks like Kylie. If Kylie is a 6 foot bearded transvestite.

7. The wheels on my case go round and round, round and round, round and round.

8. I reckon the parents did it.

9. So, how many episodes in a series of 24?

10. It takes me about 3 minutes to read London Lite.

1. Oxfam screwed him over pretty badly.

2. How does it feel to be a doctor?

3. Well, was it a crumpet or a muffin. I mean, there really is a significant difference.

4. It's terrible, but as I get older, I stop hating Bruce Forsythe.

5. She's not a popular-culture-loser anymore.

6. They threw rice at the wedding. Not boiled rice or egg-fried rice.

7. I bet the next Dr Who will be black.

8. I've had a chest infection for 3 weeks. It's not AIDS.

9. Have a happy life. No. Fuck off and dance.

10. Steptoe and Son, Ever Decreasing Circles... Rentaghost... all the classics.

1. I'm worried the window frames, I'm worried about the doors, and I'm worried about Paul.

2. Yeah, but to be fair mate, I think that Cher actually does believe in life after love.

3. Of course Haloween is more important than Christmas....especially if you're dating a witch.

4. If I won the lottery I'd put £200 on my Oyster card.

5. It would be terrible. Mark says it would be a bit like throwing live kittens off the balcony.

6. If I was stuck on a desert island I'd just eat lobster.

7. Hello? Yeahhh..... I'm in big big trouble.... I've got the keys to the fridges here!

8. I said to her, even though you work for a Not-For-Profit, it doesn't mean you should look like a bag lady!

9. Dress up as a radiator. That'll show them.

10. You can't shoot someone just because they are Brazilian.

1. There were lots of sash windows.

2. Antoine du Beke's real name is Tony Beak. Isn't that fantastic?

3. Elephants... rhinos... they're all pachyderms.

4. I don't like cricket.

5. I'm not quite sure how you defend yourself with a knife.

6. Most Dizzee Rascal fans are white. I'm not saying that like it's bad, but it's interesting.

7. Close the shop early and don't open it until they apologise or pay you.

8. Maxwell Caulfield. He was in The Colbys and Grease 2.

9. Did you really go to work in your slippers?

10. You can compare music and language but they're not the same things.

1. Of course I don't fuckin' trust him. At the end of the day he's a copper, innee?

2. Neither of us have slept with anyone else. Except me, cos I lied.

3. Is there a BBC4? Nobody told me.

4. I don't even know where all the Dr. Pepper came from.

5. Australia is not a country; it's a continent.

6. They say blind people never actually fall asleep.

7. Here comes a hawk!

8. Every four years these clowns become rugby fans... makes me sick.

9. You can't buy a dildo at Woolworths.

10. He wasn't ugly...just uglier

1. In years to come people will remember the day they first shopped at Amy's Ardware.

2. Imagine just driving in a straight line forever until you reach the end of the world.

3. I can't work out how to get the rice not to stick.

4. Do you remember Darren? He collected beermats. He's getting married to some Thai girl he met on the net.

5. I'm not that kind of girl!

6. Is he still banging on about Lisa Stansfield?

7. Are we going through Northampton?

8. He said I looked like Ernie Els, but I've no idea who that is.

9. I never got the point of Virgin... you don't even get the Sky channels.

10. For starters I'd have a butterfly. For the main I'd have a mouse and for dessert I'd have a creme caramel.

1. I'm in the office 8 hours a day, and I reckon I spend 2 hours of that on Facebook.

2. Damn, not again. Ii always get stuck having to buy toilet paper.

3. Lobster, crab and shrimp and all that are the insects of the sea, it's true.

4. Bloody huzzah!

5. Do they still do phone books?

6. Charley and Beeswax are gonna steamroller your face.

7. It's not so much that I want to succeed as I want you to fail.

8. Technically, "nauseous" isn't a word. It's "nauseated".

9. In this day and age! Still with the queen on money and stamps! It's crazy!

10. You get to dress your zwinky.

1. I can't read this shit. It's just patronising.

2. I had one of those once but it escaped and got under the fridge. Some nights I think I can hear it trundling under there.

3. He's got one of those "I love N2" T-shirts.

4. People talk about ethnic cleansing, but never about murdering all estate agents.

5. When I was a child I went to school with Mr Simmonds.

6. I'm like a dog with a bone.

7. Show me one English show as good as Dexter.

8. There's no stigma attached to Marks and Spencers anymore.

9. Every day this week he's used my mug.

10. Helen is terrified of anaphylactic shock.

1. They took a perfectly normal pub and turned it into a gentrified gastropub full of Sean Pertwee lookalikes.

2. What are you doing here? I thought you were in Dubai?

3. I never felt like killing no-one.

4. Fancy a night of passion in Potters Bar?

5. I think by now people know you can't smoke on the tube.

6. You can be Lithuanian, speak no English and they'll employ you, but if you're Australian, you've got no chance.

7. I'm gonna facebook your mum!

8. When I touch her buttons nothing happens.

9. Have you tried having fun without drinking? It's not easy.

10. She's not allowed to have a chequebook.

1. Was Ronan Keating in Westlife or Boyzone?

2. I get the feeling I'm supposed to be some kind of alpha-male hunter gatherer.

3. You can go online and make a payment to offset your carbon emmision before the flight.

4. Hi Melinda! It's Rufus! I'm on the mobile. On the train. As usual.

5. She's a silly, silly woman.

6. I hadn't realise quite how gentrified the area had become.

7. I've inherited a Lithuanian gardener.

8. In a few years chequebooks will be obsolete.

9. Tube strike? Who would notice?

10. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Don't even look at it.

1. Is it a temperamental card?

2. He woke up one morning and his toes had fallen off in the night.

3. It's gone really bad - it's the worst night ever.

4. The grass is always greener on the other side of London.

5. You shouldn't put that in your mouth. It might be a Chinese toy with extra lead.

6. I was sort of going for a David Niven moustache.

7. What is a qualia?

8. Look at the grease! I didn't ask for a greaseburger.

9. When I went to Bournemouth there was no surf.

10. His pillowcase has seen better days.

1. That's just the way I walk.

2. I'm not scared of the sandwich, I'm scared of the pickle inside.

3. Are you family or do you need money?

4. Have you noticed how many people on the tube look like Vladimir Putin?

5. Stand up comedy leaves me cold.

6. How do you spell 'idiot'?

7. Brian, did you put my other hair extension in your bag?

8. It was my fucking Mum's fault. She thought I wasn't going and she didn't wake me up.

9. She must have been sick. It's all over her shoes.

10. The only topics of conversation at the party last night were hedge funds and sex.

1. Promotions are so random where I work, I'm in despair.

2. Of course, the War on Terror isn't a real war.

3. Gahh! Her hair looks like steel wool with clips in it.

4. I want one of them phones that play the cds.

5. That guy looks just like that guy from South Park.

6. The warranty costs more than the toaster itself.

7. My personal life is like a 3 and my professional life is like an 8.

8. Yes! Amputation is always the answer. That's what my dad used to say.

9. I was like, out of my face, like OUT ... OF MY FACE!

10. Breaking news: I found a handkerchief.

1. Imagine! Calling ME a tramp and him wearing Levis!

2. I've had a text. It says 'train delayed. Meeting moved to 9:00. Bring Maltesers.'

3. My mate got knocked out by a lesbian called Nose Bleed.

4. Have I ever told you about the time I nearly choked on a carrot in a falafel shop in Amsterdam?

5. I hate it when you're feeding the ducks and there's one duck eating all the bread. Ithink it's just unfair.

6. Have you ever tried shaving with a Remingtom Fuzz Away? It really fucking hurts.

7. Somewhere in a bucket in France are some pebbles.

8. Well, he got round there and it had one of those blue toilet seats with the fish in. He had to change it straight away...

9. I got groped in a pyramid once.

10. I despise leeks as a vegetable and I'm not afraid to say that.

1. In New Zealand, everybody called me Frodo.

2. HE has cool hair. Looks like his head's been carved.

3. I mean, she lives in Chiswick. That's worse than France!

4. What am I supposed to do with a cupboard?

5. If you want it to stop, you have to clamp down on them. Without exception.

6. He's omniscient, innit.

7. Tell your mum I want my boxers back.

8. They smother all the pizza in olive oil.

9. Yeah. Gareth Southgate. Right.

10. He said it was big, but I have to say I wasn't expecting it to be that big.... pheweeee!

1. If you've got acidic soil, it goes blue. If it's alkaline, it goes pink... I think.

2. Man, those are shitty headphones.

3. Is your name Turkish?

4. Did you see that thing about Kramer from Seinfeld and how he was slagging off black people?

5. Gordon Brown isn't going to change anything. He's creepy. Bad body language.

6. After the baby my boobs were like a FF... which is like Jordan.

7. Have you decided on the wallpaper or are you sticking with magnolia?

8. Whatever you do, avoid Hangar Lane.

9. Jimmy Choo is geting divorced.

10. In films it's really easy to unlock a door with a credit card. But I couldn't do it.

1. It's not really Birckenstock weather.

2. We've got one of those rose killer guns.

3. I waited for 20 minutes for a Circle Line train. Twenty fucking minutes!

4. Ullah! Where are you man? I'm near Bayswater! Ullah! Ullah! You're in Kilburn! Ullah!

5. She stands there in front of the train and I have to reach round, press the button and open the doors.

6. Do you have any food?

7. You're a grubby little man.

8. I only befriend people I know in real life.

9. That's not a real name. That's a name from Eastenders or Corrie.

10. How's Godzilla going?

1. I'm going to Spain. It won't be much fun, I'm taking my parents.

2. Everyone googles themselves eventually.

3. Ok. I'm thinking of a number. Bzzzzzzz! I am telepathically transferring the number into your mind. Bzzzz!

4. Not really a fan of the Kate Moss range. Just not my bag.

5. I think Woolies do duvet covers.

6. His ringtone is opera. The music from the Old Spice adverts... you know, with the surfer.

7. Daniel's having a baby. I mean his wife is. He's not pregnant.

8. Wigan, Derby and Fulham are all going down.

9. When was the last time an English person served you in McDonalds? I think I'm made my point.

10. Some twats were chucking stones and stuff off the roof onto people in the street.

1. I can't believe I'm saying this but I miss school sooooo much.

2. Your hair's really curly. Is it your real hair?

3. Ever since they introduced the wheeley bins we've got loads of mice.

4. I wanna be like Pete Shelley!

5. He's got an Andy Capp tattoo.

6. I tell you what I like about Metro. The interviews on page 10. Aside from that...

7. I saw that new Pirates of the Caribbean film. The first two were good, but this one's absolutely shit.

8. Where can I buy a plough?

9. You got Halo?

10. She didn't look that old but she did smell a bit of wee.

1. It's easy putting your vest on back to front.

2. I always bring my own plastic bags nowadays... stops wastage.

3. You ever been to Akbar? Probably the best Indian round these parts, but I they don't tell you what meat's in the curry.

4. Do you remember back at school when that teacher crashed his bike?

5. I'm not gonna talk about it anymore because you don't listen and it only makes things worse.

6. I...can...rap. I... can rap... like... a shark...attack.

7. Why do they have escalators if they never work?

8. What star-sign are you? I'm Capricorn the goat.

9. His socks are rank. Really disgusting.

10. It's got those pop-pop studs instead of proper buttons.

1. I saw Bill in the Masons. He's divorced or something.

2. There's too much hype about Harmison. At test level, he's a really average bowler.

3. This is ridiculous. It's May. It's May and it's bloody freezing.

4. It's business and shit, innit.

5. You're not getting married are you? Really? Golly.

6. Terrible smell. Blocked drains.

7. Jago? Sounds a bit foreign. Sounds a bit like Dago.

8. Who was the bloke who went to the pole... Shackleton? The one who was Kenneth Branagh.

9. Royals. They are the worst cigarettes ever.

10. It's like that whiney band. Not Radiohead. The band with Gwyneth Paltrow's fella.

2. That was simply sublime!

3. You're being very anti-semistic.

4. There was a lost bus on my road yesterday. She was supposed to be on Colney Hatch Lane but she took a wrong turn.

5. Ugh. My eyes have gone all spinny.

6. Today I spent a fiver on ciagrettes, pasta and rusks.

7. The chances of you seeing a unicorn are fairly small.

8. I never understood it. Clive was never management material and we all knew it.

9. She weeps like a harmonica.

10. Paper says that Gudjohnsen might end up at Spurs, but I don't see it myself.

2. Can you imagine if your surname was Key and your dad named you Alan?

3. Does this train go to Bushey?... I've got shit on my trainers.

4. Nee bunt Hosen.

5. Leticia, would you stop fucking pissing around!

6. I've got an unhealthy obsession with Mr Men.

7. Man, I expected something more than salad.

8. I don't see what's wrong with dressing up as a black guy.

9. The photos all came out really grainy. Like it had been snowing or dark, but the weather was perfect.

10. At first I felt sorry for Paris Hilton, but she's still driving around. She's taking the piss.

2. Hmmm... it's a bit Bruce Springsteen.

3. How often do you change your sheets?

4. The 134 stops around here. Or maybe it's the 43... I'm not sure.

5. There's going to be a lot of macramie.

6. You can pay by card if you want, but there's a minimum charge of a tenner.

7. Let's think about it. I'm not going to just say yes without asking my parents.

8. Lucy Pinder is so fit.

9. It'll cost you many a shilling.

10. You're never gonna win the lottery using them numbers.

2. This girl asked me where Porchester Hall is. Is that the same as the Porchester Centre?

3. You don't have to stick your arm out and hail the train... it will stop anyway.

4. No, sweetie, you can’t eat that. That’s mummy’s button.

5. Get your tits out for me. Get them out. Get them out now or I’m going home.

6. Do you know how to copy stuff onto CD?

7. There was this really fit Somali woman, but she had this moustache. Not like proper hair, just dark shading.

8. This new sushi place has opened up. It’s just raw fish.

9. It’s quite cold today. I’ve got lots of layers on.

10. If I go to Fopp I’ll spend all my money.

2. Cricketers are sexy, but only when they wear whites. I can't be doing with all the colours.

3. I can't go there sober and then bop around to Kelly Clarkson.

4. Seriously. I feel like shit. I'd kill myself if it wasn't so exhausting.

5. I'm middle-aged! Growing old disgracefully.

6. Last time I was down for the marathon, I took the whole family to the Tate Modern.

7. I lost my old mobile in Salzburg.

8. He's bearded. He kinda looks like Ben Stiller's weird friend in There's Something About Mary.

9. What do you think of leopordskin? For the curtains.

10. There's no trains from Kings Cross this weekend, so we're gonna go to Euston and then drive.

2. You know that feeling when you can't shake off a dream...

3. When's it due? You gonna do it natural?

4. It'll make us look good, give us some leverage.

5. Acupuncture doesn't work like that... it's about dampness and reducing the mucus.

6. My dad always makes a joke when he sees a white person on the BBC.

7. They got my name wrong. I spelt it out for them but they screwed it up anyway.

8. The harmonies are out of key.

9. How tall is Johnny Wilkinson?

10. I was feeling very heavy and then suddenly I felt very light.

2. Urghh... I know what's going to happen. She's going to make her stinky cauliflower cheese.

3. The train is no good, isn't it?