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Imagine a world without France... Is it possible? For centuries scholars have pondered the problem of France - trying to balance their hatred of France with their natural reluctance to destroy a whole country and all of its inhabitants.

In recent years the problem has been resolved: By smashing their heads repeatedly against hard, gravelly surfaces, the scholars discovered that the more pain that they were in, the less they cared about the moral implications of destroying France. So - blood pouring from their gashed foreheads - the great leaders of the world organised for France to be removed.

Obviously, there was global public anger at this move, with thousands of demonstrations organised all across the world.... Oh... who am I kidding? Of course there wasn't. Everyone merely turned a blind eye as France was lowered beneath the ocean where it flourished (admittedly free of life) as a modern-day Atlantis.

Au Revoir, Monsieur Zidane. A Bientot Mademoiselle Bardot. Goodbye, Mr Pommes Frites.